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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you do

22 replies

Cantsleep23 · 04/07/2023 02:25

I'll try keep it as short as possible. I got into a relationship a year ago and fell pregnant very quickly (already have a 18 and 14 year old) babies dad said if I didn't want to be with him and us live together as a family then he didn't want a part in babies life. Thought I would give it a try and he moved in with us but it never felt right as I've been on my own for a long time and was used to it. Fast forward to baby being born and he took no parental leave, she was born on the Saturday and he went back to work on the Monday and the following week went working away for 2 weeks so I was left on my own with her. In a way it seemed like he was bragging about how much money he was being paid and said he would be coming home with X amount in his bank as he weren't spending any money with working nights and sleeping through the day. He doesn't realise I still have his banking app on my phone so out of curiousity one night I checked how much money he had. Turns out it was less than £50 and he had been going out every day spending £30+ on meals and drinks and one week spent £575 on online gambling but I haven't said anything as he thinks I deleted his banking app (he put the app on my phone when he sold his phone). He got paid last friday just over £600, gave me £100 towards bills and by the Saturday morning he had 1p left in his account!! He was gambling all during the Friday night and up to 5am Saturday morning when he was supposed to be feeding our daughter, I was fuming (but couldn't say anything) seeing all this I had to make the decision to go back to work knowing that I can't rely on him.Our shifts work around eachother and my first shift was 4pm today. He came home at 3.35pm and I had to leave by 3.40pm he asked if he could chat with me but I said it'll have to wait until later as I can't be late for my first day back so he went to run a bath I said goodbye and off I went. My 14yo txt me saying did I know that he's packing his stuff and going away to Dundee to work so I rang him and asked what was going on and why didn't he tell me, turns out it was a lie and he was packing his stuff to leave me. He told my older children that we keep bickering so he's moving out for a bit but sent me a txt ending the relationship and blocked me on everything as soon as he walked out the door. As bad as it may seem I don't feel sad that he's left but now I'm left to try juggle a job, an 11 week old baby, keeping a house and making sure 2 teenagers are ok while he's off doing whatever he wants. Would anyone try and work on the relationship not for the sake of the baby or just walk away and be done?

OP posts:
LiOLeary · 04/07/2023 02:30

Is your question if you should stay with him? Because - no is the answer.

ZekeZeke · 04/07/2023 02:32

I'd be celebrating that the cock lodger has gone.

Wendysfriend · 04/07/2023 02:38

Please walk away. This is your chance to make a life for yourself and your children, you will have nothing if you stay with him.

JeandeServiette · 04/07/2023 02:39

How can you "work on [a] relationship" with someone who has moved out without warning & blocked you on everything? There's nothing to work on. Plus you only let him move in because if his weird ultimatum.

Might be with speaking to HR to see if they can treat that shift as a KIT day and reinstate your maternity leave. I've never known a case like this, but I'm guessing it's a question of whether it's been fully processed so I wouldn't hang about.

RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus · 04/07/2023 02:45

Don't walk away from him, RUN! Run like the wind!
You and your children will be better off without him. How long until he starts gambling your money? Or stealing from you to fund his addiction?
if he gave one single fuck about his daughter or you, he would be seeking help and communicating with you, not acting like a petulant child.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 04/07/2023 02:47

Walk away. Even if he wasn't gambling he'd still be completely unreliable. You can never trust him again after this.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2023 02:57

You should be thanking your lucky stars that he's gone. Change the locks, try to collect maintenance, and move forward with your beautiful kids.

Lacucuracha · 04/07/2023 03:00

Walk away and be done.

Toniii · 04/07/2023 04:50

I cant think of 1 single reason why I would ever want to attempt to work on this relationship.

Aprilx · 04/07/2023 05:09

It sounds like you are well rid of him.

Justcallmebebes · 04/07/2023 05:24

Fucking hell, this one's not a keeper. Why would you want him to stay? He brings absolutely nothing at all to the table a s sounds absolutely awful

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/07/2023 05:25

You should be celebrating the fact you’ve not had to find a way to get rid of him. Put in a claim for maintenance now so he doesn’t wriggle out of that responsibility and be glad he’s gone.

pilates · 04/07/2023 05:35

He has walked away and doesn’t want a relationship with you. You haven’t got much choice. He sounds a lowlife. I bet he’s not going to provide for your daughter either. Can you pursue him for child support through the relevant authorities?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 04/07/2023 06:32

I can't get my head around you having a baby when your youngest is 14. Starting over...with everything...

But, no, absolutely do not take him back.

StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 06:35

FFS don't maintain a relationship with this lose. Go for child support and keep contact to a minimum.

StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 06:36

loser

StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 06:36

him, not you! You're better off by one baby. That's a win.

RoyKentFanclub · 04/07/2023 06:40

I think you should be delighted. Change the locks and get the paperwork done to get child support.

This was never supposed to be a long term relationship. You’ve got a beautiful baby out of it. Move on.

Cantsleep23 · 04/07/2023 10:03

Think I knew what sort of replies I would get from this post haha. The worst part of it all is he told me to quit my job and he would support us all and now I had to go back to my boss with my tail between my legs practically begging for my job back but he's been great and will happily adjust shifts to suit me. There's one more thing I forgot to add, he got sacked from his job when we first met due to rumors of white powder being used whilst on night shifts. He worked in Greece for 8 weeks whilst I was pregnant and told my son the 'white powder' is Alot better over there but told him not to say anything to me. Also the last few weeks he had been withdrawing £50 from a cash machine near my house after work but not coming home for about another hour and not having a penny in his pocket. After asking questions to friends of friends I have found out that the average bag of this powder costs around £50 and I can't shake off the feeling that he's using it again. If he has, he's been kissing and cuddling our daughter and that makes me feel physically sick and stupid

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 04/07/2023 10:25

Hi not sure what I'm supposed to vote ? Whether to leave him?or to stay?or Yabu for thinking of either?
Anyway,can work give you some day shifts for a week or two whilst you arrange child care for baby?
Change your locks .
You really really do not need a gambling addict in your life.
You won't know if he is taking loans out against the house in desperation to keep gambling.
You could lose everything.
You will be fine without him,your older dc will help and see what a strong wonderful mum they have .
You can do this.🌟

ManateeFair · 04/07/2023 11:08

There's one more thing I forgot to add, he got sacked from his job when we first met due to rumors of white powder being used whilst on night shifts. He worked in Greece for 8 weeks whilst I was pregnant and told my son the 'white powder' is Alot better over there but told him not to say anything to me.

This happened when you 'first met' and you continued to see him? After he'd been chatting about his cocaine use to your teenage son?! Christ.

Get rid of him immediately. Your daughter does not need this 'father' in her life.

RedRobyn2021 · 04/07/2023 13:08

Omg get him out of your house. What a horrible person.

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