Going from 1 DC to 2

[namechanged241]

Found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant with my second and still don't know how to feel about it. My first born is 4 years old and has ASD so quite honestly I'm wondering how I will cope.

I also remember the tiredness during the newborn/early years and thinking at the time that I'd never do this again, now here I am! How do people get through that more than once? Surely it can't be that bad the second time around?

And the feelings of guilt I am having as well. I'm worried I won't give my son enough attention and I feel sad in a way that it won't just be me and him anymore. Are these normal feelings?

Sorry for ranting, but looking for honest opinions

Totally normal to feel this way op. For me it was very difficult, and an awful lot harder (sorry if that’s too honest). But so much more fun and now we’re through the early years I’m so glad to have two. Much more joy overall.

@thecatinthetwat Thanks for your honesty. In what ways was it more difficult for you? What's the age gap between your two?

Hey OP

I’m 5 months in with my second (eldest is 3) and it’s been bloody hard work, amazing when I see them together but IMO it’s been harder than going from 0-1.

Your feelings about splitting yourself between 2 are also completely normal. Every day I feel sad and guilt myself that I can’t be with my eldest as much as they’re used to and worrying what they might think.

If you can utilise nursery to give you a break and chance to focus on the baby. Find some crafty or other activities you can minimally partake in but it seems you’re really involved to your son. Involve your son if he wants to be, in things to do with care of the baby and always let him know you’ll be with him soon just after you’ve done x with the baby rather than saying you can’t do y because of the baby.
Also if you’re able to once your baby gets a bit bigger, spend some time in the day where it’s just you and son time and you get to play with him or do whatever he wants.

@creativeusername23 Honestly I could cry when I think about my son. He has very limited understanding and at the moment he gets my undivided attention. When the new baby comes I know this will change and I am really worried how he will feel wondering if I'm doing the right thing

Please don’t guilt yourself (easier said than done!)
You sound like a wonderful mum, you wouldn’t be so worried if you didn’t care and be giving him your everything. As much as you can and he wants to, just try to keep him involved and always reassure him in ways he recognises, that you love him.

It’s a huge adjustment period initially at the best of times - we had me getting a post partum pulmonary embolism and the stress of reflux/possible CMPA so my view on how hard is a bit skewed ha.
Things have to be different with 2 which is a really hard thing to get your head around when all you’ve done is putting 110% into your first but it’s a good different and worth it in the end.

Hey OP, the feelings of guilt are absolutely normal. I had that bad but thankfully they have now gone.
I have 2 daughters 6 and 3 years old and they are the best of friends but also fight like anything. Personally, I wouldn't change it for the world. It's a dream!

Yes of course it's harder 2nd time round because you have another little person to take care of but you get through it. I found that my eldest liked to help me with the baby which was sweet but quite annoying so I bought her a doll that she could look after and copy me when I was doing things with her sister like feeding and nappy changing etc. she would sit and do that with me which would help her to feel involved.

All the best. Someone once told me it's the best gift you can give them ❤️

@namechanged241 firstly congratulations! Secondly, the worries and feelings you have are normal, especially as you have your ASD son to think of too. If you want some positive stories about having more than 1 child then I'm deffo an example of one. I have 3 DC. Our eldest daughter is 4, second DD is 2.5 and DS is 5 months old. Yes it can be crazy, yes I have been very tired but is it worth it? Absolutely! We planned all our children and actually chose the close age gaps and I'm so glad we did it this way. I love watching them all together. Someone said go me once the best gift you can give your child is a sibling and I absolutely 100% agree with that. I know your son might find the change and adjustments hard to begin with but I bet he will become used to the situation very quickly and love his sibling untold amounts 🥰 try lots of prep work with him (talking about the baby, getting him to feel/look at your tummy, reading stories about children becoming a sibling, getting him involved with decorating the nursery, buying a little teddy for the baby from him that kind od thing.) In terms of tiredness, can your DP take a good amount of time off after baby is born? Do you have friends/family around you who can come over and help while you catch up on sleep or watch the baby for an hour or two while you take DS out just the two of you to spend some quality time together so that he doesn't feel pushed out by the baby or jealous that kind of thing. I'm sure he'll be just fine though (:

Baby2 is 10w old, Baby1 is 2y8m.

Going from 0-1 was harder dans mon opinion because the level of sleep deprivation and the lifestyle change was huge. Second time round we knew what to expect so went in eyes wide open, and already have a routine in place for the toddler that baby has just slipped into. Not seamlessly by any stretch! But I guess it's luck of the baby draw as well, my 2 are different in lots of ways ..

My first: long labour, NICU stay, trauma
Second: very quick, positive birth, home same day

First: silent reflux, would only sleep on us or upright, could never put down for naps, was very sensitive to sounds and would wake at a pin drop
Second: sleeps anywhere, including playmat surrounded by noisy toddler with toddler friends or the TV volume on or the integrated loud smoke detectors going off when Daddy burns the toast 😆

First: very clingy, mum the favourite
Second: less clingy, dad the favourite

First: didn't differentiate day/night for weeks!
Second: nailed day/night from 4 days old

The list goes on....

Your emotions about it all are the same that I had. Totally normal!

My age gap is 2.5 years, so quite close. It was very difficult to go from giving the first all my attention to being very occupied by a new baby. It doesn’t feel great at times and it is difficult for the older one (esp with sen I would imagine). I’ve always said 1-2 is harder than going from 0-1. But everyone seems to disagree with me when I say that, so I guess it’s different for everyone.

Mine have a 4 year age gap and the second was a breeze. My first absolutely loved being a big brother and loved helping, cuddling, giving feeds etc etc. Never found it hard, never once regretted it.

I've found 1-2 hard but when you see how much enjoyment it brings your first it becomes all worth it. my kids are 2 years apart and are best friends. no one makes them laugh like eachother. those first 6 months in particular are super hard, though my 2nd was an easier baby - I'd always forget about them and then panic slightly. Once you have 2, it makes being with just one of them really easy

No ASD for us, but 2.5 year age gap. Tiring but not as bad as as 0-1 for me so far 6 weeks in. Good luck.

I found 0-1 a million times harder than 1-2.
DS absolutely turned my world upside down, I struggled to cope, had health anxiety, was worried sick 24/7, had crippling PND. It was just horrendous.

DS was 3yrs 2mths when DD arrived and it was absolute bliss in comparison. So much easier going 1-2. I knew what to worry about and what to not stress about. I was more relaxed, managed better with sleepless nights as I was used to them, coslept from the start, mix fed and didn't get hung up on it.

I have a very involved DH so between us we make sure both of them get 1-1 quality time so that's helped to alleviate the guilt - I take DS on trips away for 1-2nts and just started doing the same with DD now she's 2.

Were you taking precautions and not actively truing for a baby? Just because ypu are pregnant doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Take some time to think about what is right for you and your family.

My eldest was 6 months when I fell pregnant with my son, we were using contraception. I agonised over it but decided to go through with it and am glad I did overall. The first two years were hard though ad neither chilf was a good sleeper. When my son was 4 I had dd2 and that age gap for me was a breeze. He was at preschool in the mornings giving me time to go to baby groups and spend one on one time with the baby. I have an equal partner in my husband which has always helped as we have no family support.