To ask about resentment over a third baby?

[Fairydustandsparklylights]

Dh and I are at a stalemate. We have 2 dc and I would like a third - I have always said I wanted 3 children. Dh doesn’t and this is where we find ourselves. He says he’s too old (40) and that he doesn’t think he could cope with another. I understand his viewpoint and respect it. I will not pressure him into another baby. However, I find myself with a simmering resentment that I just can’t seem to get past. Will it ever stop? I wish he would just say, yes let’s do it. In reality, I know he never will. Do I think I could pressure him into another!? Selfishly, yes I do. However, this isn’t how i want to bring another baby into the world. I love dh, I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want a baby with another man. I spend half of my life trying to convince myself why a third wouldn’t be a good idea. However, I always end up at a place wondering about another. I’m so stuck and don’t know how to move forward. I worry deep down that I will carry this resentment forever. Any advice to move forward would be welcome. I resent dh for not wanting another and he would resent me if we had another. There literally are no winners and no compromise to be had.

It’s hard. One of you isn’t getting what you want.

I guess it needs to be a serious conversation of ‘this is what it means to me, these are my concerns’ but ultimately if he doesn’t want another child, then you need to live with it.

It is hard, and similar to my husband and I, I wanted a fourth and he didn’t. In the end , I agreed with him after realising the pressure it would put on our family but I do still get waves of mourning and sadness for the child I’ll never have.

It must be a very difficult thing to reconcile. However there was a very sad thread on here a while back where a woman had had a second child knowing her DH didn’t want one. DH then took it upon himself to essentially ignore the second child and refuse to parent them. That would be a heartbreaking thing to deal with. On balance, it would be better to not bring a new life into this world if they’re not fully wanted by both parties. Could you look into therapy as way of working through your feelings? I assume your DH is not going to change his mind?

You just have to put away the ‘I wanted three kids’ mindset.

Its just something to pick at.

Do you want three kids but no husband? Him resenting you? Would you be happy having DC3 knowing they weren’t wanted as much by their father?

Why three? Why not 4? Or 6?

We all have a list of wants but it has to be fluid because life and situations change.

It’s not like he’s said ‘I deffo want kids’ for years then changed his mind - you’ve just had to adjust to a family that works to everyone and we have to be given room to change our minds and look after ourselves.

I was never sure about a second and waited 5 years. I wasn’t ready until then. I made a choice - I’d rather stick at 1 than have a second before I’m able to mentally and physically.

Why the third? What is currently lacking? You have given your children a sibling, so that is not it. Is it still too quiet? What is a third realistically going to add that the current lot doesn't? Do you feel you missed out on specific experiences with the first two? Do you struggle with doing things for the last time?

I am asking as I am trying to come to terms with only having one child after a really bad pregnancy, and am very critically looking at my actual reasons of wanting a second.

It is hard to adjust the ideal picture in your head, but sometimes it is good to question where it originates from.

It is hard I desperately wanted a third child and I genuinely felt my family was not complete with two. However DH had been clear all along that he only wanted two so we stopped at that.

My oldest is now 19 and I still envy people with three children. But I knew I wanted to be with DH and for him to be with us as a family more than I wanted a third.

As it turns out my younger child is autistic so having a third would have been really hard on everyone.

Concentrate on the lovely DCs you already have. What would a third child give you that they don't?

I really wanted a third for years, but realistically it wasn’t a good idea for me or DH. We both agreed. But now, fast forward a few years, I don’t feel it anymore. I’m thrilled we stuck with two and that ‘yearning’ feeling is gone. Hope it’s the same for you op.

Totally this!

Slightly different situation, I'd like a third but money and time means it's not really feasible. Its a bit crap, but then I'd also like a big house, for my grandma to still be alive, to live in a warmer country etc, but those things aren't happening either and that's life. So I guess I'm trying to accept it as one of those things. I also find I want a third more at times when it's noticeable my two are growing up/changing but then eases off - so I think it's to do with dealing emotionally with them growing up, so I try to focus on all the good bits about them getting bigger.

You have to have a very honest conversation with him and tell him how much it would mean to you. Be honest and tell him how you feel and don't give in easily, let him really see what it means to you. Good luck.

What if the third ended up being twins?

What if they were born with significant disabilities and needed round the clock care?

Can you afford childcare fees for the next 4/5 years?

Could your car fit 3 children and car seats?

As lovely as a new baby is, you can never predict how the future will turn out.
You already have 2 children. What is it that a third will give you that you don't already have?

How old are your children? I think there are phases where it is harder to reconcile a yearning for another, eg when they start or move school and you feel a part of their childhood ending.

It is very hard, I have been where you are and it felt so lonely to be longing for something which my husband wasn't.

I think it’s a blessing to have two healthy kids try and look past an urge for a third and enjoy the two you have

How sad for your children that they have literally reached adulthood and in all their lives never been enough for you. Fancy saying your "family isn't complete", I'd be devastated if I thought my mum felt this way about me and my siblings.

Happiness is what completes my family, not the arbitrary number of humans I've made.

I would have an honest conversation with him. Let him know you don’t feel like your family is complete, and that this is something you really want. Try not to make it sound like emotional blackmail, don’t use words like resentment. Let him know how you feel and give him time to respond when he is ready. If he says no then you know where you stand. Take some time to grieve. Go for some long walks and think all the angry thoughts without him around. If you can’t get past it remember you don’t have to stay in the relationship. But you need to give yourself time to accept what he says before making any decisions.

Been there - and for exactly the same reasons. DH felt that he was too old at 38 for another (I’m 10 years younger). I figured it was two yeses or a no, so reluctantly I agreed. It took me a good 15 years (until my early 40s) before I fully accepted. Then about 2 years ago, he said “we could have had a third”. I went fully off! It raised all the longing I’d suppressed. I still miss the idea of the child who never was, but my 2 are my pride and joy. I can’t tell you that you will come to peace quickly, but it’s not fair on a child to have a parent who could carry resentment either. 🙁