Does anyone feel they had some difficulties in childhood, that weren't abuse, but led to making some terrible mistakes in relationships as an adult?

[Howtobehealthy]

I'm struggling with this a little at the moment. I have had a bereavement that I suspect has dredged up a lot of the less than ideal elements of my childhood, which in one way was great, all the female family members loved me.

But I had no healthy relationships with men growing up, there were 2 men who were immediate family, who tolerated me, could be fun occassionally but sometimes mean or difficult. Both were very honest they didn't love me so I was under no illusion. Plus my own father who didn't want to meet me.

I mean, I'm completely responsible for the relationship choices I made as a young adult I understand that. I made some serious fuck ups, choosing much older men with significant power imbalances, and to their credit most were respectful. But two of those relationships turn my stomach now. I had sex I didn't really want at times, but that I fully consented to, and I cannot fucking understand why I did that now?

Makes me ashamed to be honest. That can't be a normal thing to do?

I wonder if it is partly rooted in childhood relationship dynamics with the men in my family and having no model of how men should treat women? Can anyone partially relate to any of this?

Hiya, I actually think this is more normal than you suspect.

We are ALL a product of our childhood in one way or another, even if we had a good childhood. If you had absent father figures then it completely makes sense that you would go looking for someone to fill that role as an adult. This is how the phrase 'daddy issues' originally was coined, it is an incredibly common phenomenon.

As adults we often try to 'right the wrongs' of the past, this is all completely normal. It is really great that you have been able to identify what your pattern is and change it (if you want to).

Mine is slightly different to yours but looks like this:
As a child there was lots of pressure to be serious and perfect coupled with a lot of abuse. So as an adult, I cannot stand to be around serious partners, I look for people who are silly and light. But inevitably this goes wrong and I end up becoming a bit of a nag (cos someone needs to be serious sometimes) and I am repeating the serious dynamic I am trying to escape from 🙄

Thanks @Sunnyfeelgood , I am sorry you suffered such abuse and I hope you can stop repeating that dynamic. I think it can be easy to do it without even realising what's happening, if that makes sense.

In terms of escaping the dynamic it definitely can be done though. I have not had unsuitable partners now for almost a decade. Now, I'm married in a very loving relationship that is completely different to how things used to be.

I think that's why I'm so surprised I'm even upset by some of the things that happened in the past. However I think bereavement can make parts of your past come back to haunt you in a way.

It's probably quite common. I could talk for hours (and have in therapy) how my non-abusive childhood has shaped my relationships and how I thought of myself. Just because it wasn't abuse doesn't mean that it was adequate.

Yes, mine had a knock-on effect. Bullying by an older sibling that my parents turned a blind eye, and a general ignoring off my emotional needs by my parents.

So first boyfriend was disastrous, I was so clingy and had no sense of who I was and no self-esteem. Ended incredibly badly and so self-esteem even worse for the next relationship.

Trauma causes feelings of shame. Cut yourself some slack.

Really interesting thread. I used to work with someone who kept saying with a very Deep expression "we all make our worst fears come true" and I think there is kind of something in it.

With me, it's not being wanted or loved properly - sort of tolerated by men who don't think much of me but kind of want me around enough not to leave me. I was the family scapegoat, never considered to be good or pretty (it was very important for girls to be good and pretty), but also very much a "possession" of the family, not allowed much autonomy, always being made to feel very enclosed, very much a part of it all, but just not a wanted part. Now I keep getting together with men who get very excited about me at first, causing this amazing emotional rush of "At last! Someone who really actually wants me!" and then they go off me and make sure I know all about it, without actually leaving me. Every time I tell myself I won't do it again, and I always do. I work very hard to be nice and desirable and useful and all sorts of things but it's never enough. The man I am with at the moment told me recently that I don't make enough effort to be sexy and pretty and seductive, but also that I should not treat him like a guest but he should just be accepted into my house without having to behave like a visitor. So that's basically a full time job, right? My house is always open to him but I have to look like I'm on a date when he is around?

Definitely. I grew up with a mum who was very mentally fragile and clinically depressed for chunks of time. But it was my norm, certainly wasn't named. I ended up marrying someone who straight after marriage had some mental health difficulties which over decades became severe and ended up with a Bipolar diagnosis. I do suspect my childhood meant I didn't recognise signs of this in my now ex.

Of course! just because other people have come from outright abusive childhoods doesn't mean that some messed up dynamics from yours wouldn't have affected you.

My dad disinterested, never listened to me or played with me. But he was always physically present. The dynamic with he and my mums relationship was that she'd continuously insult him and he'd be passive. Well guess what, my first two relationships I went for guys who couldn't have one deep conversation with me, barely asked anything about me, I never felt like a couple when we were out even though we were physically together. I would build up with resentment and bark vile insults just like my mum. It took years later and therapy to see I was repeating the same dynamics of my mum and dad's relationship.

Yes. I love my mum and she is the best mum in the world but she is a people pleaser to the fullest and lacks total confidence. Growing up, she will constantly tell my siblings and I "Don't do that! What would X think?" and amongst other things. Due to this, many people in my life have taken advantage of me, it's only now that I

Even without abuse, childhood experiences have such a far-reaching effect.

Personally, I had a really difficult time with both parents experiencing ongoing but totally unsupported mental health and learning difficulties. Despite this they remained very high functioning and there was constant pressure to keep up appearances. I would lie to cover up the horrendous time I was having at home, saying we went to the park instead of sitting at home all weekend with the curtains shut and mum unable to get up, saying I was fine when I was totally breaking down inside.

Now it’s become such an ingrained habit I just can’t stop. Stupid, pointless lies just roll out. Things like saying I went to the DIY store at the weekend to pick up some bits instead of just saying the equally boring truth that I went to Morrison’s for some bits.

It’s never big stuff, nor even interesting stuff. I spend my life utterly miserable at the thought of being caught out but I just can’t stop.

Weird one, is that I didn’t know I wasn’t fully white until I was much older, mid teens. I knew my dad was darker than my mum (he’s Pakistani) but I just thought he was a darker shade of white. Similarly I knew I was darker thank my friends, but just thought I was more tanned.

My Dad doesn’t know or live his culture, he isn’t Muslim which is a big thing people always assume. He has a Salford accent, only speaks English. He never, ever discussed his life in Pakistan, or the fact he was Pakistani (he left when he was 3 after his dad died, and his mum married a white English man)

It wasn’t until someone racially abused my dad in the street, that it sort of clicked and honestly, I just really struggled to figure out who I was. Even now, I will slightly panic on forms where my ethnicity is asked for. It’s like I have a big part of my culture missing and I feel like an imposter trying to claim it. Like I feel like I’m too white. Too detached. I don’t know. It’s weirder as I married a white man and my children are very obviously white and light skinned it feels too late to start.

Yes. My parents were physically present but not very loving, paid very little attention to me and could be really strict/explosive. As a result, I know I have an anxious avoidant attachment style. I’ve never had a healthy relationship, was married to an addict who left me with PTSD. I now have mostly casual relationships with men I don’t like very much, because if I meet someone I actually like, I’m a total basket case. I almost always go for men who are some what unavailable, eg. live in a different city and are in only in my city on business occasionally, because the idea of a relationship is terrifying to me, but I still crave intimacy. Basically I’m an emotional walking disaster, but I have enough awareness to keep normal people out of my mess, and I function pretty well for the most part in my daily life.

Interesting OP.

My mum modelled very poor relationships and the men in my wider family were almost all utterly feckless.

Multiple children abandoned, women treated like commodities.

My mum’s ‘great love’ was a married man she had an affair with and it affected how I viewed men with wives/partners and led to some very poor choices for my younger self, two in particular.

However after a very bad downward spiral I sorted myself out and stopped the self destruction, at least with men. My husband is the complete opposite of every man I knew growing up. It’s no accident I don’t think. I knew I needed to make better choices.

We’re all a product of our upbringing in one way or another but nothing is inevitable and we can learn and change.

Big time. My family dynamic growing up wasn’t normal, and my parents marriage isn’t exactly one to look up to.

I went to psychotherapy and thought I figured it out and figured out who I was until very recently. I swore to myself I wouldn’t end up with a man like my father, a man who lacks ambition, doesn’t clean, and is a bit useless.

I’m in a relationship that somewhat resembles my parents marriage, I want to leave but feel a bit trapped. My parents marriage is the only one I’ve ever really known, and my own feels so similar, that it feels almost right in an awful weird way.

I have become my own worst fear; an enabler.

Of course, for everyone

We learn emotional and social and reasoning skills throughout childhood that we then live at mercy to, a whole personality captaining our adult lives

If you never get to practice a skill, or get to over practice another throughout childhood repeatedly- you're going to be less equipped to cope

God what am interesting thread, my mum had boyfriend after boyfriend who treated her (and us kids) like shit. I didn't see a healthy relationship in the family home or ever have a positive male role model. It's definitely shaped me , I was pregnant very young and had disastrous relationships. I slept around and was clingy and desperate with men but older and wiser (HA!) now I can see why I did what I did.
Hugs to all who had rocky childhoods xx