20 yr old testing my patience

[Tigger1895]

I have a 20 year old DD who I’m not really very fond of recently.
She dropped out of college because she didn’t like the course.
She has had 5 p/t jobs in the last 18 months, left them all because they were impacting on her social life OR feeling down and wants to work on her mental health.
She is hardly ever home, I know where she is.
She constantly asks for money, I use to lend it but she never paid it back (I paid for her last holiday with the agreement she’d pay me back, 4 months later I haven’t seen a penny). I don’t give any now unless she does jobs I don’t want to do, painting etc.
Recently, she asked to be paid in advance, that’s another big No from me but she gets shirty.
The reason I asked WIBU is because I want to throw her out but am afraid she’s really struggling. I’m paying for therapy for her but she says it’s useless, I’m wondering if she’s even going and not just pocketing the cash.
I genuinely don’t think she’s doing drugs, as was sporty but was injured earlier this year

Have you told her you are considering her moving out? It sounds like she needs a bit of a wake up call.

You mentioned she's had a few jobs in 18 months, is this how long the behaviour has been going on? She does seem a little lost at the moment. Also, might be a bit harsh to throw her out if she's still recovering from an injury (if that's the case, if course).

@Tigger1895

I’m paying for therapy for her but she says it’s useless, I’m wondering if she’s even going and not just pocketing the cash.

Perhaps you could pay the therapist direct via bank transfer?

I'd also worry that not having and sticking to a proper job, rather than depending on you for cash, is unlikely to help with her mental health/self esteem. 🌹

Don't pay for the therapist if it's useless. Listen to her on that one. I would give her freedom and space to find her own feet. Could she move into a house share? I think you need to let go, let her make her own mistakes and learn from them. Offer quiet support in the background if she wants or asks for it

Why are you giving her the money to pay the therapist?!

If she's never home, where is she?!

I agree with throwing her out, but don't physically throw her. Give her a realistic deadline to find something else and/or find a job. Then stick to it.

I have had multiple conversations about needing to work to both support herself financially and mentally.
I give her money so as not to embarrass her or make it look like I’m controlling her, I’m sure she’s (if going) claiming I’m part of the problem as I’m a nag her about working.

She needs to become an adult, she's living like a child.

That in itself will be doing zero favours for her mental health.

I wish I could just jack my job in and focus on my mental health, I can't obviously because I'm an adult with bills to pay.

It doesn't need to be a big drama but she's old enough to understand that this childish dynamic is toxic. Drop the rope, stop funding her and force her to act like the adult she is.

Does she really want to be begging pocket money off her mum at that age? Of course not, it's humiliating. So stop giving her money or making her life easy, she will soon get a job and move out. At this point you're just enabling her to fail in life.

You are enabling her to sit on her arse with her hand outstretched
Does she genuinely have mental health problems or is she just using it as an excuse not to work and behave like the adult she is?
Where does she ( and you) see her being in 10 years time?
Doe she have any friends? Are they working/studying?

It may be worth sitting down with her and having a conversation that's focused on how you want to support her to do her best in adult life.

So you could say something like - I can see you are finding things difficult. I want to support you so that you have the skills you need to be an independent adult, moved out and supporting yourself.

You can say that if there are things she us worried about you will help her (learning to cook, dealing with landlords, paying for therapy, thinking about what type of jobs suit her etc).

If she says the therapy isn't helping then maybe say to her that you'll stop paying and she can stop doing it, but is there something that would help her progress to adulthood?

You may find that even if she doesn't have a lot of ideas just having the conversation May change her focus.

What do you mean she wants to be paid in advance? For what and from who?

She’s obvious struggling but I do agree that treating her like a child not an adult isn’t helping her.
You need to speak to her.
You can help by offering support, signposting to help but letting her live like a 14 yr old and giving her pocket money isn’t helping.
Is a different course a possibility? What about a job with accommodation.
I’d stop funding her and the ‘useless’ therapist.

I have a list of jobs for her (painting)she gets paid when they are done. She asked to be paid in advance of the next job, I said NO

I’m hearing what you are all saying, however nothing I says gets through long term. She’ll agree with me and then in a weeks time revert to her old behaviour.
I am 100% certain I did enable her but have stopped.
She spends time in her boyfriends house and I think he and his parents are enabling her more. She doesn’t contribute whilst there, so questions why she should do so in her own home.

Is she claiming UC?
very few advantages to UC however for getting kids like your dd off their arse and having to keep commitments it’s probably a good thing.
I would stop giving her money. She pays you keep.
Those people who fail to launch and are still relying on dm in their 40s are the ones who have been enabled by a misguided loving parent. Now is not the time to molly coddle her unless you have a trust fund lined up for her.

You pay her so she won’t be embarrassed? I’d be embarrassed asking my mum for money! If she doesn’t like being skint she can get a real job. She’s 20.

She's an adult so she needs to be providing for herself. Tell her to look at renting her own place if she doesn't shape up.

You are still enabling her if you are letting her live with you rent free and buying her food.
What her boyfriend & his parents do is irrelevant. They may split up or his parents may get fed up with her outstaying her welcome.
If she wants to live at home she contributes. It’s not an unreasonable expectation of an adult.