DH wants to tell employer

[Wifeof14years]

Back last Nov following a serious health scare for my husband (stroke in his late 30s) whilst he was on sick leave he confessed to me that he had stolen some funds from an organisation he was working with. We were in a massive amount of debt, since the birth of our youngest DD and costs were spiralling. I also think he was worried about our loss of income as I only received MA.

DH then went on to confess to the organisation. Borrowed money from parents to repay some of the funds and is now facing criminal proceedings. Awaiting a decision from police as to next steps but it’ll be Court and conviction

I try to be supportive but this is so stressful. DH is a good father and husband. He works so hard and is devastated by what he did. We are now in debt management and are making small in roads to paying back. He hid it the stealing from me so I didn’t worry about the debt. He also gave so much of his time, maybe to hide his guilt, the overwork of which (he would be working 80-90 hours) prob caused his illness.

This is joint debt. We were trapped in a debt spiral and funds covered bills or expenses or to avoid a missed payment fee.

fast forward to today. Hubby has a new job, three months in and is doing really well. He wants to tell his new employers before it goes all the way to Court as it is eating him up. He doesn’t know what they will say. He says he will offer to resign if they want him too.

I think he is mad as he doesn’t have to say anything as yet and we desperately need his income. I’m also so angry and disappointed in him and want to rant and rave at him but he is so downhearted and disappointed in himself I don’t feel I can.

AIBU?

You’re right that is one potential outcome. His solicitor is saying he doesn’t believe that will be the outcome as he has assisted at every turn. He came to them with the info. Admitted everything throughout the interview and will plead guilty in Court.
he/we have entered a debt management plan to sort stuff out.

the solicitors opinion is a poss suspended sentence - someone in prison can’t pay back.

it is a worry and I know it is playing on his mind as well.

It absolutely depends on his job & his contact. Someone in my work was in court for assault. Came very close to losing his job for bringing the company name into disrepute. He wasn't found guilty & it was local reporter who reported who he worked for

I'm sure this is so stressful, it may be a good idea to get advice from an employment solicitor but as someone who has managed a colleague going through a court case before I would recommend to get ahead of it with his employer. When we spoke with HR as well as their main concerns over the potential outcome, there were questions around will there be press on it, could it bring bad publicity which would be against code of conduct etc. Thankfully as the outcome wasn't reported on in my case they agreed not to take any action.

I’d keep schtum if I was him. His old employer is probably still enjoying a privileged life style just like his new one. Trust me; both his employers will have been up to something dodgy themselves, at some point. That’s how they tend to get where they are. Say nothing and don’t feel guilty about it.
I hope you both get through this, and I hope he doesn’t get any prison time.

good luck.

This. It all comes out in the end.

I think if he stole from a charitable organisation and now works for an me and he has to have a CRB check every 3 years, he’s on thin ice unfortunately. Still I guess he has 3 years to find something else if they don’t find out straight away. How much money are we talking?

Yeah, I read something about this recently - some research showing men who are unemployed tend to prefer it if their partner is too! Makes them feel less rubbish about it, basically.

He already feels terrible about everything, especially about how he's let you down, so he's not going to want to feel worse by pushing you into stepping up more to take over in case he's fired. He knows you don't want to do it.

But you'll probably have to, and if he's sacked again with a criminal conviction behind him I think you're probably going to have to do it long-term. I don't see that it's helping anyone for the two of you to ignore it. And tbh it may help ease the pressure on you both somewhat - you'll know your family can cover the bills and the basics regardless of his situation, and he'll know he isn't carrying the full economic weight of your family life alone.

Was he not asked about any unspent criminal convictions in his new job? Or a criminal history in general? Did he not need a DBS check that would've uncovered his criminal history?

Once his employer finds out, he WILL lose his job. You have to prepare for that and be realistic.

How much money are we talking about here? That is going to make quite a difference to outcomes.

Ultimately though this is a breach of trust dishonesty offence. And so I don’t rate his chances of being kept on. Given this in your shoes I would think hard about how you can maximise your earning capacity. You might like the idea of a small job but looks likely you’ll need to step up.

What an utterly bizarre post.

He needs to tell his employer now. Hopefully they'll find a way to support him until the outcome of the court case is known. If he waits until they discover it, it will look much MUCH worse. It's the difference between being honest or being deceitful; who wants to employ someone who behaves like that?

The DBS check wouldn’t have shown anything, as this would only show a conviction not an investigation.

It may well hit the papers so be prepared.

we had similar at our workplace and we let the person go. They were involved in managing assets, and the conviction was for stealing assets for their employer and flogging them on E-Bay.

With all respect, you don't have a choice. Someone needs to pay for your families expenses and it probably isn't going to be your husband. At this point you need to be actively seeking higher paying jobs, regardless of whether you want a career or to work hard or not.

If he works for an organisation that requires a DBS then it will come out at some point anyway. I work for a charity and when someone doesn’t fess up at the start to something that comes up on their DBS we don’t go any further with them. I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of it but we’ve found out that some staff have fraud in their background and as a charity we won’t employ them, we’re open minded with criminal convictions but this one would be to recent and there is nothing to say he would do it again.

I feel genuinely sorry for the OP, this is a situation that is not of her making.

But for it to go to court OP’s DH must have taken a lot of money. I am a charity ceo, I do it without drawing a salary. We have paid employees and volunteers. I could earn a very good salary right now with my skills but I wanted to help.

What I have found is I am so so very tired of dealing with thieves, we’re a small charity and it feels like it is never ending. I have one I know about that I need to deal with and one at a different location that we can’t identify right now. The police show no interest in pursuing any of them, not even to interview them so I’m boggling at how bad it must have been to get to court. I’m spending so much of my time dealing with thieves that I feel like giving up as I don't have time to spend on actual charity work, but we’d have to wind up the charity if I stopped.

One thief that was sacked recently was initially contrite and going to pay us back, now he’s realised we can’t give him a good reference he’s starting to harass me and say he’s suffered enough. Have you any idea how much work it is to properly investigate a thief and be able to sack them? It’s weeks of work.

It doesn’t make it better that OP’s DH was a volunteer - did he think he was somehow entitled? He was in a position of trust and he abused that. If he wanted to be paid he should have applied for a job with the charity and been honest.

We have taken on people through the probation service as volunteers to help them make a new start. Doing that creates a lot of extra work for me and my team as we need to supervise them very carefully and ensure no temptation. It costs us considerably more effort than they contribute. That we’re working so hard to do this to help someone we hope is genuinely sorry make a fresh start after prison means we’d feel a greater sense of betrayal at being deceived.

Not what you want to hear I’m sure OP but whilst at least one poster is suggesting we’re all on the take and you and he shouldn’t worry it’s a perspective your DH needs to hear. The brass neck of him going to work for a charity after stealing from another he should be working in a different sector.

@Wifeof14years

Yes I’m back in work. Started a few weeks ago. Earning a lot less than him, he’s been so supportive of my career changing and not pushing me to be out of my comfort zone with work. I don’t want a career just my work and our family.

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time OP. However, it's very likely the future will be much more difficult for your husband's future employment - therefore for you too - and so you will need to take the initiative and make concrete plans for a better job/career with better earnings power for yourself in order not to just be scraping by financially. 🌹