or not? Can't get my head round this one!!!

[Leslaki]

Right - this is hard. Feel like I'm crap right now.

In a nutshell we live ina small nice 'estate' near school and it's along way from home - we're talking Northampton - Scotland - I'm from S. Anyone just foubd out last year that asomeone who I've known for 8 years (neighbour) who I went through bad pregnancies with etc \ec is real gossip monsger and bitch (being nice here!! She is a real spoilt princess) - anyway found this out last year and things all reached a head and truths came out. I said I would saty 'friends' bi=ut for the kids - no trust etc etc which she accpted but still can't keep from gossiping /bitching ( I now walk away or ask he to stop as she causes so much damage).

Anyway. To get to the real crux of the mater. I am far from home, dh works away ALL the time - I mean we occassionally get a Sun am together as a family. Anyway he seems to have made me out to be some sed cow at hisowrk - someone who stays in all the time (OK don't go clubbing now as seen it, done it, have kids etc etc) and stay IN A LOT - YEAH cos he works away!!! Anyway ( I do ahve strong and close friendships and am always busy) last weekend he persuaded me to go out clubbing with some girls from HIS work. Had a laugh but 1 of them had only just split from DH and asked ot come back and stay at ours - she is still living with her not so DH. Felt I couldn't say no so she stayed in DDs room. DD in with me and dh. DH got up 1st thing and was chatting with D - friend from work- very early . Not like him as he's NEVER pout of bed before the afternoon on a SUn. I went down and all cosy downstais. Anyway I had to go to tesco and he said to go without kids . OK but he and D (stillin micro dress with visible black tong anfd big boots from nite out!!!) took dd and ds out for a bike ride but called into afore mentioned neighbours to take heir kids as well!!! Neighbourmust have died and gone to heaven with gossip! Anyway since staying all bloody day on the Sun (our only family time for 3 weeks) D keeps texting me wanting to come over. I feel bad refusing cos I genuinely want earlyish nite/am out with friends. I feel guilty saying no as I can imagine hellish situation of living with someone you're divorcing (still in house with x dh but looking for another). Anyway invites herself along to DS (6) birthday party today - bowling. gets MY dh to pick her up with consequence that I'm late for party as I then have to pick up SIL and nephew (he was meant to)and the runour mill gets going as dh and D turn up at party with DH and no me!!!!!!! I'm the one everyone knows not him aspo you cna imagine it!! Anyway I felt toatlly left out in some ways as she was dancing OTT with DS ad DD and I felt I couldn't as other kids needed help (30 at bowling party) - Of course neighbour was there and mentioned it a few times. SiL got in there with Single White Female omments. anyway I said to DH that after the party he was to drop her off and she was NOT to come back to ours as Ds wjuld be opening pressies - a fmaily thins (I@ve only known this wonman a week FGS). ANyway I drop SIL etc off and get home with DD an dhtere is bloody D larhe as life!!! In my fucking house!!!! Didn't go fo r a while. Then DH took her home (BTW she has a car and could have driven to the bowling and then hoem - but why go to a kids party when you've met the kid once????). Anyway DH gone for a while so I phone and say DS wants you home ot open pressies. he says he ahs to go into town with D as she has £300 to pay deposit in a house and she doesn't want to go into tow with that cash on her own. (hey he let me take dd and ds into town with £1000 cash last year!!!). Ds said 'OK i'll open them without him again' which got me riled. DH puttin D ahead of ds. She also asked to come out tonight for a meal with friends at 5pm (she is single, attractive, 30 why the FFFFFF does she wanna go to kids friendly place at 5pm on a Sat nite????!!!) . Anyway DH got home and we had a bust up. Basically me and my real friends are a crowd of bitches. he doesn't wanna know BUT immediately texted D and cancelled tonight ( she said no problem to him but texted me about ebing sorry if she had caused a problem etc etc etc). DH can't understand why I'm pissed off. BUt he got jealsous about me and male work colleague a few years ago - absolutely nothing in it but dh didn't like me working at night with a singfle male!!!) Anyway I feel guilty cos she is abviously vulnerable and when one of my firiends went through a break up we were both there for her (known her years) and like DH being sensitive, kind etc but feel thins is taking the piss. I have only known D 1 week and she is in my space and I'm worried if I don't back off now I will be landed with her and all her problems and she will become very needy and all encomapssing. I have learned the hard way now that in the end only I and my kids suffer when I put others (not freiends) first and am a bit of a rescue centre at times! Anyway am I being unreasonable? Is he being a bastard or just a dense but intrinsically kind hearted man? Is she out to get my family life? Is she too needy?? AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Sorry to those of you who have stayed with me and sorry about the spelling!!

posting under real name as don't care now!

I wouldn't like it one little bit, how can the colleague think her behaviour is appropriate?

YANBU at all!! It's not nice that she is going through a break up but she isn't your friend and it's not your problem. I would back away from her and suggest your DH keeps his distance too.

Thank you!!!! My gut feeing but hate that I'm hurting someone/leting htemdown when they're hurting!!! Even hough they don't seem to care abouthurting me!!! I have a guilt complex!

Oh don't feel guilty, you and your family should be your (and your DH's) priority. Being newly single it'd be better for her to make single friends, that could be a nice way of justifying it to yourself? She's not gonna meet the man of her dreams at a kids party now is she!

I would encourage the both of you to back away. You don't really know her, you don't know how well he knows her, but in your post she comes across as quite a needy person, and possiably looking for a replacement dp iykwim. Not necessarialy in every way, but in the 'sheltering/ someone to look after me way' which wouldn't be healthy for anyone.

Time to put family first.

ps sorry for the sp - tired.

She's not your responsibility - or your husband's responsibility.

If he want's to support a lost cause, tell him to donate to Women's Aid or something.

He needs to wake up and smell the shit he's shovelling.

Ignore your neighbours antics. Everyone else will know what she's like anyway and ignore her.

She sounds completely needy, and possibly like she's unaware of how inapropriate her behaviour is, especially if she is still hurting and trying to deal with her divorce. BUT that is not you and DH's responsibility and your family shouldn't suffer as a result.

So YANBU.

On my way to bed, but just wanted to say, this woman is clearly trouble and you are correct to feel threatened and worried. Put your foot down fast. Your DH may have fallen for the poor little me act, but she is showing all the signs of being one of those women who can't function without a man to bat her eyelashes at, and is not fussy about whose.

Thanks ou lot. Have spent a bit of a wakeful night wondering if I'd been a complete bitch but no, you're right. I am NOT being unreasonable!!! Thank you!!

Everyone else has said exactly what occurred to me as I was reading your post. This woman has a car, she's not housebound and she is 30, not 13. A break-up isn't nice but shit happens and you simply don't latch on to someone else's husband to hold your hand for every last single little step in your "new" life post break-up. You certainly don't intrude into what anyone with a shred of consideration would recognise as a family occasion, or occasions for that matter ..... it's way over the top and you have to wonder what's going on in her head. At best, she's incredibly thick-skinned and/or needy, or, at worst, well ..... do I really need to spell it out ? I'm sure I don't. Unfortunately, there are women out there without any conscience whatsoever.

Your DH is being extremely thoughtless and immature too. Looks like he's falling hook, line and sinker for the "helpless female" act. God .... I hate women like that, who use their wiles to have gullible men falling over themselves to "help" even if they are going through tough times. I wonder if he'd be so eager to include her in everything if she was 20 years older, plain and dressed in a sensible "frock" as opposed to the micro dress and boots ? Presumably, he's feeling flattered that an attractive young woman is turning to him as a source of advice and entertainment & this whole thing makes him feel manly ? I suspect he's rather enjoying the attention though he must know deep down that it's too much, and too over the top ...... hence attacking you when you object. Attack being the best form of defence and all that. What better than to accuse you of being "heartless" when this "poor girl" is "going through hell" (or whatever).

He's being totally unreasonable and very hurtful to criticise YOU over this. He let you down and let your son down FFS. If he is a genuinely kind hearted man then he steers her towards relevant sources of help such as relationship/divorce websites (easily found by googling), encourages her to go out with her friends and family, and perhaps makes her feel welcomed within a mixed and larger group of colleagues at work by organising a lunch out every so often. Being kind to someone else should very rarely, if ever, be at the expense of your own immediate family .... and definitely not without prior discussion and agreement.

YA (definitely) NBU and he needs to grow up.