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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

free loaders or friends?

24 replies

scotvic · 03/07/2023 17:59

We have old friends who live at the other end of the country. We often used to visit each other and also go on holiday together (rented cottages etc.) but lately although we have not fallen out, we have not seen each other much- family stuff, Covid etc. - and they now go on holiday usually arranging to stay with other people all over the world, or touring with other friends. They consider themselves mega friendly and sociable, but we secretly feel they are pretty cheeky about bumming free holiday stays with all sorts of people they barely even know! (Or are we just jealous…?) Now they are proposing to come to stay with us for a few days, while their friends (that they are ‘really’ holidaying with - who we have not met) stay in a nearby hotel (and get 'incorporated into our activities' - ie we probably have to arrange activities / entertainment for them all, have them all for dinner etc.) Before they then all 4 go off together to on a touring holiday. AIBU to feel that they are really just using us as a handy cheap pit stop (we live in a popular and notoriously expensive city) rather than actively wanting to get together with us? Or is this just unsociable sour grapes and I should just be happy to see them under any circumstances? Feeling a bit conflicted….

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 03/07/2023 18:03

I’d be too committed with work and family to accommodate them I think. Let them know that you’d love to meet them for a meal or two and see if they still visit.

Motnight · 03/07/2023 18:07

First post has nailed it!

bjrce · 03/07/2023 18:08

Yes, they are using you for free accommodation!

Tell them it doesn't suit you have other friends staying - perhaps meet them for a meal one night and see if they want to still meet up with you!

Avatartar · 03/07/2023 18:09

Agree- you have x y z planned but would love to meet up - at a restaurant- for a meal and catch up while they are down near you with their friends (rather than specifically coming to see you)

InTheMiddleOfIt · 03/07/2023 18:25

It's probably a mixture. They would like to see you and saving money is a great bonus! If you want them to stay then let them and if you don't then don't. It's not difficult!

Saying things like "we probably have to arrange activities / entertainment for them all, have them all for dinner etc." is a bit wet. You don't have to do anything unless you want to. Tell them what you want and leave it at that. It's not hard to ask them to sort their own food and activities if that what you want.

IamRoyFuckingKent · 03/07/2023 18:27

I agree with everyone, I'd say "we're free on x night if you want to meet at a restaurant for dinner" but tell them you're not free the other dates. Cheeky fuckers.

Thebigblueballoon · 03/07/2023 18:28

Yep, say you unfortunately can’t accommodate them, but would love to meet up for dinner/activists. Their response will tell you everything you need to know.

Thebigblueballoon · 03/07/2023 18:29

Activities, not activists 😩😂

Want2beme · 03/07/2023 18:32

They'd only be bothering to see you for the free accommodation. Tell them it's not convenient for them to stay, then see if they still want to arrange to meet up with you.

MadMadMad · 03/07/2023 18:35

I agree with the above, tell them you are free one night for dinner (not you hosting) but that unfortunately the dates don’t work for you for them to stay. They are freeloaders.

ShanghaiDiva · 03/07/2023 18:37

MadMadMad · 03/07/2023 18:35

I agree with the above, tell them you are free one night for dinner (not you hosting) but that unfortunately the dates don’t work for you for them to stay. They are freeloaders.

This is perfect!

latetothefisting · 03/07/2023 18:40

from their POV I suppose they see it as 2 birds 1 stone - they get to see friends and have a holiday at the same time. Perhaps it's one of those things whereby people just have completely different interpretations - if they honestly love to have people stay with them they assume it's the same for others. They think if people didn't want them to stay of course they'd just say so. They take on face value that if their friends say yes when they invite themselves it's because they agree it's a great idea and their friends are happy to host them. It probably hasn't crossed their minds that people might say yes out of obligation/guilt/whatever.

agree with other posters - it's an easy fix, say you're having work done/someone else is staying over/have turned the spare room into an office so can't host them but of course you'd love to meet up with them!

Caroparo52 · 03/07/2023 18:43

Probably cheeky freeloaders. Find out by once and for all taking advice above and
" love to meet up for a meal and activities. Let us know where and when. Unfortunately can't offer you accommodation due to rabbit having babies....etc:

Riverlee · 03/07/2023 18:45

If their friends weren’t staying in a nearby hotel, I’d say they visiting you. However, because of these friends, they are being a bit cheeky. However, they probably don’t see it this way, and just see it as visiting Scotvic.

I have a relative who’s a bit like this. Dc moved into a (one bedroom) flat in a city. This relative straight away said he had somewhere to stay in that city. Err , no!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/07/2023 18:47

So rude of them to invite themselves to stay!

"Sorry we can't accommodate you, but would love to meet at a restaurant one night!"

Beebumble2 · 03/07/2023 18:51

They are using you, find an excuse. I speak with the voice of experience and I fell into the trap often! Won’t now though.

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 18:52

Sounds like they’re looking for a free chauffeur and cook. They’ll expect you to feed their friends too.

Have they ever you for a holiday?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 03/07/2023 18:56

I am thinking along the same lines as lacucaracha do they have people to stay with them frequently (including you) or is this all one way - them staying with other people?

whatsmynameaga1n · 03/07/2023 19:11

I personally wouldn’t have a problem with friends wanting to stay with me if I wanted to spend time with them but it’s up to you.

it doesn’t sound like they’ve given you any reason to think you’re expected to organise activities from what you’ve said.

callingeveryone · 03/07/2023 19:47

Bloody hell some of these replies.
I have had loads of friends to stay with me. And I have stayed with loads of friends. And none of us are freeloaders. Just proper friends.

WhatADrabCarpet · 03/07/2023 20:08

I'm not sure you've understood @callingeveryone

ButterCrackers · 03/07/2023 20:12

No excuses needed. Just say that you are unable to accommodate them. Ask them to keep you updated about their plans in case you can meet up. If you can’t meet up then you wish them a great stay in your local area.

cimena · 03/07/2023 20:25

Some people (including me) love the idea of being a base for people. I find it less stressy cos unlike the way you’re thinking, I arrange NOTHING. I’ve done my bit by providing a bed and I’ll see them when they’re around, if we all feel like doing something together we can, if not then not.

So Id say yes but only cos it works for me. If it didn’t I’d say no (which I do, when it doesnt!)

IncognitoMam · 05/07/2023 08:58

What did you decide?

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