How to approach this situation with arguments in front of DD?

[Blondie6838]

I’m a single parent with an 8 year old DD, who is autistic. She attends an SEN school and struggles to have a conversation etc (this is relevant to this situation).

DD doesn’t see her dad anymore due to DV, so my mum has her every now and then to give me a bit of a break. My sister lives at home with my mum (she’s an adult in her early 20’s).

They don’t particularly get on at times but in general everything is usually fine, have the odd argument here and there and that’s it. I’ve heard through the grapevine (my sister told another family member who told me because it involved DD) that the last time DD was there without me (within the last 2 weeks) that apparently they got into a really nasty argument where my mum went to hit my sister and that apparently DD got really upset by it.

DD isn’t very good at verbalising so asking her has been impossible. I know that I need to address this situation but how is best to do it without causing more arguments between everyone? I mean I’m sure as shit going to kick off if this is true because they know DD has already watched her dad behave like that to people and I’m not letting them behave that way in front of her too, but I also know the minute I tell my mum that I know this, that she could potentially be VERY nasty to my sister who is usually the innocent party in it all (my mum has a vendetta against my sister for pretty much no reason, she always has gone).

What is the best way to handle this?

You are putting your child in a toxic situation.
You know what the answer is.

Well I’m not putting her in a toxic situation because they’ve never done that in front of anyone before, let alone her, and obviously now I’m aware that this happened she won’t be put in that situation again. I’m looking for advice on how to handle it when confronting my mum about it

Tell her exactly what you said here.
Domestic violence survivor, an autistic child who struggles to verbalise and who is distressed by violence happening around her either verbal or physical.
You are afraid that your mother won’t be reasonable and will be more aggressive and unkind towards your sister, whom you say is usually the victim and not the instidgator.
If you know this already about your parent, why is your child in that environment? Why put her somewhere that may bewilder and distress her?

You can't send your DD there again, because there is a known risk of exposure to domestic violence.

I'm sorry but that's the long and short of it.

Don't 'confront' your mum, just state it.

If you mum gets angry, walk away.

Sorry you've got this shit to deal with.

It sounds as though you aren’t remotely surprised that your mother has behaved that way towards your sister?

So why is DD in her care at all?

Can you offer your sister a bed at your place, assuming she is not violent herself?

I agree it seems odd you have sent your DD to this environment.

Regardless of their issues, they’ve never behaved like that in front of anyone before, it’s been a private thing so DD has never been exposed to it for 8 years up until now. They don’t argue all the time and usually the house is pretty peaceful but obviously when they do fall out, it’s more extreme than most people’s arguments

Yeah, you don't confront your mum abut it, you just don't send your DD there again. If she asks why, then you say you don't want to risk your daughter's mental health.

Which is what you would be doing by continuing to leave your daughter there. As well as continuing to let them behave that way in front of her - because if it's happened once, it's going to happen again.

If 'confronting' people worked, DDs dad would have stopped the DV, wouldn't he?

I feel sorry for your sister. The family sounds rather toxic.

Just very calmly and factually tell your mum that you're aware that things between her and your sister became heated recently and DD was upset by the raised voices and especially when things became physical.
Say that's not an atmosphere you want her to be in, so for now untill the situation changes, she won't be able to go round for childcare as before.

You don't need to blame or judge, just say what will be happening calmly.