Recovering alcoholic

[Malpal]

Hi all

I am after some help, long post so please bear with me.

I am at my wits end, I’m a recovering alcoholic, 6 months sober. I was drinking on & off heavily for roughly 3 years. After the birth of my 2nd child I get post natal depression that along with giving up work to raise my girls and a not very supportive husband led me to self medicate with alcohol.
it all came to a head just before Xmas past, husband came home & I was passed out on sofa with my 2 girls in the house 7&5. They were fine but he went mental and kicked me out of house and wouldn’t leave my alone with them. Just after Xmas I agreed to go to rehab, it was a 12 week rehab and was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do leaving my girls broke my heart but I knew I needed to do for myself & my family. While In rehab got very little support from husband. Never told me once how proud he was of me, after every phone call I came off crying.
few weeks before I left rehab I told him that things need to change before I come home (we don’t sleep in same bed, no affection) or there was no point in me coming home. He said they would but unfortunately if anything it has got worse. Still not in same bed, went to kiss him one evening and he turned his head away from me. Was our wedding anniversary and didn’t receive a thing. He talks to me like I’m rubbish and I’m absolutely done with it, I think that he will never be able to get over it all. I go to bed crying most nights. I honestly think the best think for us both now is to separate. I have asked about counselling but he just keeps saying that it he needs to process things. I’m so unhappy with him

@MarkTwo when I gave up work he believed that meant I dealt with everything concerning the kids & home. I got very lonely, he would be out of the house from 7 in the morning till 10 maybe later in the evening, and when he was at home he would fall asleep on the sofa
. I could have continued to work but he didn’t want pay for half the childcare, and it would have took my wages and a bit to cover

It's hardly surprising you were lonely, and at a time when you were possibly quite vulnerable Did he take paternity time off? Is he out of the house the same number of hours now or is it more balanced?

@MarkTwo no paternity,he’s self employed so if not working no pay. Plus he also has a small farm which takes a lot of time. Not much has changed imfraid. I suppose I knew what I was getting into when I married him.

I’m not sure it helps to try to make him the problem, to blame him . I think plenty of people have said he’s been through a lot and he’s asked you for time to process and adjust. That’s more than a few weeks.

Even so. It sounds like not much changed for him. How did he cope when you were in rehab?

Firstly, congratulations on 6 months sober - that's a real achievement.

Secondly - I'm on the other side of this equation. My late husband was an alcoholic (he never found sobriety) and after he came out of rehab, I remember the fear. It was more powerful than the hope. After 7 years of living with his addiction, I was afraid all the time. I suspect your husband hasn't had enough time to process the impact your period in addiction has had on him. He needs more time and he needs support himself from Al-Anon or similar.

Alongside that there's the issue of your relationship prior to your period of addiction, and that's a complicating factor especially because it wasn't good. Your drinking has further damaged something that was already damaged, and it may not be salvageable. Staying in this marriage may actually put your continued recovery at risk.

There isn't an easy answer to this; you both need to be honest with yourselves and with each other and work out the best way through this. That includes you putting yourself in his place and empathising with what your addiction has done to hurt him.

I’m not blaming it all on him at all, I’m just saying how it was. I know I wasn’t the perfect wife, if I had of gotten my depression sorted years ago we might not have gotten to this point. That was stubbornness and sticking my head in the sand not wanting to admit I wasn’t well.

@MarkTwo thankfully we have a lot of good friends & family around us who helped a lot. Friends picked girls up from school and kept them till he got home from work. School aswell was very supportive which was a weight off my mind.
And I have told him several times that he done such a great job with them when I was away. I know it can’t have been easy.

@pointythings I have asked actually begged him to attend al anon so he can talk to other people but he won’t do it. Even the facilitators in rehab advised him to attend that it would be a outlet for him but he won’t.

That's good that you had friends and family to help. It a shame he won't attend those meetings. Is he generally a good communicator?

@Malpal if he won't seek help and if you are doing everything you can to maintain your recovery then it's likely that your marriage is a risk to your recovery, not a benefit. I would try to get back into work if you can, continue working on yourself and start coming to terms with the possibility that your marriage may not last.

Whatever you do, keep going with the sobriety. It's what is best for you and for your DDs.

I'm sorry op, but I could never forgive my ex for what he put me and the dc through when he was drinking.

It takes a lot out of someone to tolerate (never mind still find love for) the behaviour of an alcoholic, and for me, our relationship hit rock bottom in a very similar way. You are to be congratulated for your ongoing sobriety, but it is a very long and ongoing/lifelong challenge to stay off the wagon, your journey isn't over after 12 weeks in rehab. Your dh also needs time to process everything, and expecting him to just snap it back to a perfect relationship is wholly unrealistic, even if he did say that everything would be OK.

You BOTH need ongoing support for yourselves and for your relationship, whether that be to improve things or to separate in the best possible way.

If you aren't already on there can I suggest also posting this anonymously on the Farm Wives UK Facebook page?

There will be lots of women there who will know exactly how you got to where you are.

Mumsnet is a really wonderful place but these sorts of things always play out very differently in real life when farming and small farming communities are involved and I've found that only other farming people really get that.

Very other few occupations require the entire family to buy into the whole way of life and live in the same place as they work 24/7 and be available for work 24/7, the very idea of paternity leave, or taking time off over school holidays would be absolutely ludicrous to most farmers.

With the best will in the world you aren't going to get him to turn up to something 'townie' like Al Anon.

Perhaps speak to RABI and see if there is anything they could offer - they can fund online or in person counselling for farmers.

OP you are very responsive to sympathetic posts but are not acknowledging where your own thought processes are attempting to sabotage your recovery. Sympathetic posters mean well but perhaps don't appreciate that you can literally kill an alcoholic with kindness.

Your depression and alcoholism are two different things.
Your life circumstances did not make you an alcoholic and are not a barrier to continued sobriety even if those circumstance are difficult.
You can suggest your husband goes to Al Anon but you cannot make him. Whether he goes or not has nothing to do with your recovery. You cannot be frustrated at his reluctance to help himself when it took you years to do the same.
Your enthusiasm for his attendance at Al Anon leads me to think you are attending AA where you will have access to people who have been where you are and will advise based on experience. I wonder if the advice you have been given is not to your liking (we've all been there!) which is why you are posting here.
As a PP pointed out you seem to be very 'poor me', this is dangerous for you. Poor me poor me, pour me another drink as the saying goes.
You have been sober for 6 months, this is amazing, you have the rest of your life to sort out everything else. You do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage, you have choices even if you don't much like the ones available to you. The only thing which could make your life worse now is to take another drink. Do whatever it takes to stay sober.

To anyone who isn't an alcoholic this may seem harsh but to those of us who are we know that there is nothing anyone can say which is worse than what this illness does to you and those around you. Rehab will already have told OP all of this and more. If you have a sponsor, please speak to them honestly and as often as you need to.

I wish you continued success in your recovery and I promise it does get better.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

I think you are underestimating the impact your alcoholism has had on your husband. You sound a bit like you are blaming him.

I think all you can do now is focus on your recovery and your daughters. Your relationship might or might not be salvageable.

As a reference - my husband's late partner (DSD's mum) died of alcoholism five years ago. He remains angry with her. It won't be easy for your husband to just 'get over it', and he will be afraid you will relapse.

I think time is needed, there is no quick fix.

There is also something unsaid on here which is the impact on the children, they will,also have been impacted by this, the road back to a healthy trusting relationship with all 3, husband and kids is a long progressive one of many steps. It is not done in a few short weeks after rehab.

I also wonder if you’ve been told this already, and have posted on here as you didn’t like it and were hoping to hear something different, that he’s the problem, as it seems this forum is very keen to usually say that, and as much as some posters have tried, one even tried to blame it on farming, bizarrely, the majority voice is aligned, you need to give this time and settle in for the long haul, to focus on your sobriety and healing your relationships

How's it going? @Malpal

congratulations on your 6 months of sobriety keep up the good work i am 75 and a alcoholic and next year it will be 50 years sober my advice is dont give up on your husband he is hurting and it takes time i was in a same situation many years ago we had 3 children at the time and i was referred to the the atu alcoholics treatment unit by my doctor when i arrived with my wife for a consultation the doctor told my wife if he does not stop drinking get rid of him he is no good to you while drinking these where is very words i then went into a locked ward for a month to dry out the into the atu unit for 16 weeks and i have not touched a drop since the moral of this story is my wife said the day you stopped drinking was the day are life started as a family i hope your husband can see this and give it a chance just give him a bit of time good luck