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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please!

19 replies

Zara84 · 03/07/2023 14:26

my husband and I have 2 under 2 ( a 5 month old and a almost 2year old) , we are also in the process of buying a house - almost done.

my husband would like to travel abroad for a family wedding, I am uncomfortable doing this as I feel like we have too much going on here at the moment and we literally travelled to see the family 9 months ago. I would rather we use the money to set up our new home

his family have now asked him to travel alone if I can’t come and leave the kids with me - does this seem unreasonable, to me it is wrong.

for context it is a nephews wedding and he did attend the nephews brother wedding also 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 14:28

Is there any particular reason he can’t go alone? How long would he be away and how close is it to moving day? If he’s leaving you lone to pack up/move in/unpack the new house, then yes unreasonable. Otherwise as long as it’s not getting you into financial trouble, I can’t see an issue with him going.

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 14:29

Do you have the money to go?

preferring to spend it on something else isn’t the same as the money isn’t available

unlike many on MN I actually love my family and would always prioritize a wedding or family event.

If you don’t want to do why not let him take the kids?

AndTheSurveySays · 03/07/2023 14:29

Can't you send the 2 year old with him so it's you're not run ragged?

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 03/07/2023 14:30

What's the issue with him going alone?

ZuliKyanLarsFoz · 03/07/2023 14:31

For me it would depend on whether it is a 3 day trip to Europe that can be done on cheapish flights or somewhere much further away that would be more expensive and take 1-2 weeks.

CoinsinaJar · 03/07/2023 14:32

I really don't see a problem with this. Assuming that 1) he's just going to attend the wedding and then return home - as opposed to making this into a long trip, and 2) that you are safe and settled in the new house, and he's not leaving you to move on your own; then I think he should go. I don't really see a problem.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 03/07/2023 14:32

He wants to go, you don’t want to go and want to spend the money on your house. Your husband going to the wedding without you seems the obvious solution. I do think it’s unreasonable to expect him to miss the event.

Angeldelight50 · 03/07/2023 14:43

Need more info.. Can you afford it? How far/long is the trip? Is he close to his nephew?

That being said, with 2 under 2 and a new house to furnish and decorate, I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Unfortunately sometimes other priorities take over and some events have to get the go by.

Original poster
Zara84 · 03/07/2023 14:48

Thanks for your replies and it helps to see other people’s opinions as it’s easy to get so boxed into my own!

I think maybe the best solution is him going alone.

I wouldn’t be happy sending my kids alone either of them as it’s a whole other culture we are talking about and unfortunately I’m not the type of parent who can trust strangers with my kids - when I say whole other culture they are very trusting of one another and I did see them leaving kids with relatives uncles and aunts for hours on end and I just am not that parent, also my toddler is going through the terrible 2s and I don’t want him to be any situation which is too hard.

it isn’t about money alone and honestly speaking for me it is about the difficultly of travelling with 2 small kids to a foreign country where they don’t really know anyone, I have a support system in uk from my family that will be gone. We were there 9 months ago and I got very sick as did my baby and we were told to travel to a
diffwrent city for treatment - maybe there is some anxiety from that also. It’s also very very hot out there 45 degrees at moment - I feel like it will be too much for the kids. There’s a number of factors and I feel like although we have the money-
we could use it on something more important such as furniture for the new house.

anyhow maybe I am looking at it only from my side - I think I will ask my husband to travel alone and that’s best I can do!

thank you all for responses

OP posts:
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 14:50

Zara84 · 03/07/2023 14:48

Thanks for your replies and it helps to see other people’s opinions as it’s easy to get so boxed into my own!

I think maybe the best solution is him going alone.

I wouldn’t be happy sending my kids alone either of them as it’s a whole other culture we are talking about and unfortunately I’m not the type of parent who can trust strangers with my kids - when I say whole other culture they are very trusting of one another and I did see them leaving kids with relatives uncles and aunts for hours on end and I just am not that parent, also my toddler is going through the terrible 2s and I don’t want him to be any situation which is too hard.

it isn’t about money alone and honestly speaking for me it is about the difficultly of travelling with 2 small kids to a foreign country where they don’t really know anyone, I have a support system in uk from my family that will be gone. We were there 9 months ago and I got very sick as did my baby and we were told to travel to a
diffwrent city for treatment - maybe there is some anxiety from that also. It’s also very very hot out there 45 degrees at moment - I feel like it will be too much for the kids. There’s a number of factors and I feel like although we have the money-
we could use it on something more important such as furniture for the new house.

anyhow maybe I am looking at it only from my side - I think I will ask my husband to travel alone and that’s best I can do!

thank you all for responses

You not trusting your husband with his own kids is a massive red flag tbh

Original poster
Zara84 · 03/07/2023 14:54

Lol maybe that didn’t come Across
right. I 100% trust my husband with the babies -
he is the best dad.

however him travelling to another country which is a 9 hour flight away and amongst a family ( my in laws ) who are very different culturally is something that concerns me. There will be times he will need to be absent and won’t be with the kids 24-7 - unfortunately I do not know his family well enough to trust them with my kids that’s just how I feel.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 03/07/2023 15:06

I think you have to accept that you married a man who has his family in a different culture, and that is going to mean and travel and the expense of that. I understand if you don't want to go, but I think you shouldn't be trying to stop your husband from going.

Original poster
Zara84 · 03/07/2023 15:10

@Angeldelight50 thanks for your reply. We are talking about travelling to pakistan - it is a 6 hour flight then a change of flight then again 3 hours so totaldoor to door is about 13 hours or so.

we did it last year with one baby and it was hard as expected but we got through it, I suffer with anxiety so it was probably a bigger issue in my head. It didn’t help that I got so
sick out there than needed to be hospitalised - the doctors there said to me to
avoid coming in such heat next time as it just doesn’t sit right with me.

The house is a big deal for us - we have been saving forever and my husband has been to family weddings in the past, the last one I missed as I really didn’t wanna cut into our savings as this is my 2nd mat leave and as I say we have been trying to get a house for what feels like ages. I think I am annoyed at the point that I feel like I could do with a holiday also but am trying to be practical in my head atleast - the family ie my in laws have told my husband they need him
for the wedding -
it’s a big family affair and yes he is close to his family.

but I feel like this time the priority should be what is best for kids ie. Not travelling so far to a hot country to attend a wedding that will b nothing but uncomfortable for them all amongst trying to get the house sorted before I go back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara84 · 03/07/2023 15:14

@LadyDanburysHat thanks and agree your right. I think I will just say to him clearly I am not going for reasons stated and that he is free to go

OP posts:
Angeldelight50 · 03/07/2023 15:41

Zara84 · 03/07/2023 15:10

@Angeldelight50 thanks for your reply. We are talking about travelling to pakistan - it is a 6 hour flight then a change of flight then again 3 hours so totaldoor to door is about 13 hours or so.

we did it last year with one baby and it was hard as expected but we got through it, I suffer with anxiety so it was probably a bigger issue in my head. It didn’t help that I got so
sick out there than needed to be hospitalised - the doctors there said to me to
avoid coming in such heat next time as it just doesn’t sit right with me.

The house is a big deal for us - we have been saving forever and my husband has been to family weddings in the past, the last one I missed as I really didn’t wanna cut into our savings as this is my 2nd mat leave and as I say we have been trying to get a house for what feels like ages. I think I am annoyed at the point that I feel like I could do with a holiday also but am trying to be practical in my head atleast - the family ie my in laws have told my husband they need him
for the wedding -
it’s a big family affair and yes he is close to his family.

but I feel like this time the priority should be what is best for kids ie. Not travelling so far to a hot country to attend a wedding that will b nothing but uncomfortable for them all amongst trying to get the house sorted before I go back to work.

Perhaps your issue is not your husband attending alone, it is that you feel you are prioritising what is best for your children and he is not doing the same. Although from what I understand South Asian weddings are huge and it’s the norm for family to travel in from all over the globe, your H probably feels a pressure to attend which is why he’s prioritising it.

As others have said, sounds like the best solution is to let him go alone. If it’s in the budget, organise a holiday later in the year so you have a break to look forward to!

Placesto · 03/07/2023 17:32

I don’t see it as a massive red flag. It’s easier for parents to stand shoulder to shoulder when there are both of you there. In some families regardless of the culture, some people will try to take over parenting while some people simply wouldn’t. If it were me I’d suggest he goes alone and enjoy it, such family get togethers are to be enjoyed while you can!

Original poster
Zara84 · 03/07/2023 22:59

Okay so
he wants to go for
3 weeks - i don’t think it’s reasonable!

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 03/07/2023 23:09

It wouldn't bother me but it clearly does you so how long is reasonable? Given the flight is so long/ travel time etc.

Original poster
Zara84 · 03/07/2023 23:14

It does bother me having 2 small children to look after and dealing with lawyers etc which is v constant as part of moving homes ?

OP posts:
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