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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To gently guide DS away from friend

18 replies

CharlieMaccy · 03/07/2023 11:18

My DS (7) really struggles to make friends. He is sociable but finds it hard to make real friendships. As a result he doesn't have any close friends, apart from one, who is his "best friend".

The "best friend" is a pain in the butt. I have tried and I know I sound awful but I really don't like this kid (I know it's not his fault but the result is the same). We've had him over several times for playdates and I've found them so stressful. He's rude to adults, says nasty things to my DS and is generally difficult to have as a houseguest.

His parents are very nice but they parent very differently to me and IMO are too permissive, allowing him to get away with this behaviour without comment. They are self-styled "conscious unparenters" (whatever that means) - and essentially allow their children to do as they please.

I want my child to enjoy his friendships, but this child isn't kind. I'm not sure how to handle the situation. I've started to gently postpone arranging the next playdate, but I'm not sure how to manage it long-term.

OP posts:

Bluevelvetsofa · 03/07/2023 11:32

What is it about him that you don’t like?

Merrow · 03/07/2023 11:38

I would arrange play dates with other children so you have an excuse for why the best friend can't come round that week, and try and have park play dates with the best friend. I find that the children I struggle a bit with in my own house are much more manageable in a play ground!

monsteramunch · 03/07/2023 11:39

Bluevelvetsofa · 03/07/2023 11:32

What is it about him that you don’t like?

She says what it is in her post: "rude to adults, says nasty things to my DS and is generally difficult to have as a houseguest."

DancingShinyFlamingo · 03/07/2023 11:41

I do same as pp, if is hard having them in the house, we meet with parents somewhere neutral like park.

Useyourfork · 03/07/2023 11:48

I’ve had similar experiences where child A has been easy going and placid and child B has been strong willed / bossy and disrespectful.
I find this works best.
You let child A choose their friendships but you teach them the importance of respecting oneself and it’s okay to say no. Teach them what real friendships look like.
With some handy phrases they can use and practice they will drift apart on their own or child B changes and they become better friends as a result.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/07/2023 11:49

I would be hesitant to take those steps if your DS has not other friends - that probably would be worse.

Personally I would take a longer approach to meet the same conclusion. Support your DS in expanding his friends - play dates with school potential pals, social activities, asking your friends to include him the odd time.

What in particular does he find it difficult ? if you identify that then you will be able to directly support. Is it reading cues? no shared interests? lack of practice (covid) ? as each reason would probably need a different support.

Ideally then this will dilute his exposure to the current friend.

Grimbelina · 03/07/2023 11:53

What do you say when he is rude to you? I tolerate some of my children's friends who are parented very differently and are rude etc. but I do pick them up on any unpleasant behaviour and point out that we do things differently in our house and some things are not tolerated. Interestingly I have found they are really not bad kids, just haven't been taught how to behave (and actually have appreciated clear boundaries at ours).

Useyourfork · 03/07/2023 11:55

Do you think that the ‘best friend’ is possessive and preventing other friendships from forming? It may be worth chatting to the school to ask about separating them to different classes next year.

Grumpigal · 03/07/2023 11:55

If your child finds it hard to make friends and he values this friendship then I wouldn’t seek to remove it as that’s going to leave him quite isolated however I would do as some have suggested, arrange neutral venue meet ups like a park or soft play, so that the parents are on hand to deal with any behaviour issues.

Although if the child is in my house and he’s rude or he’s mean to DC I’d be dealing with that behaviour as the adult in the situation, I wouldn’t let it go unchecked. My house my rules, he’s not so young that he won’t understand.

Caramellois · 03/07/2023 15:54

Like the other poster says, I wonder if this boy is the reason why your son doesn't have other friends. I would try to encourage out of school activities where your son can meet other people. I wouldn't let on to the other child's parents about new activities or you might find him "joining up" too. I presume this unpleasant boy doesn't have any other friends either. I think you have to priortise your son's wellbeing and this "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend to your son if he is saying nasty things to him.

Whendoesmydietstart · 03/07/2023 16:00

I don't know, I would try to empower my ds to not accept someone treating him badly, but I don't believe in steering friendships as such. We learn through peer relationships. Pp said about your ds being isolated perhaps by this other boy, so its worth having a chat to school.
Instead of discouraging this friendship l I would try to encourage him to expand his social circle. Clubs such as Scouting are brilliant for self confidence, independence and friendships. Sports, music and hobby groups are all great too.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/07/2023 16:04

I’d encourage play dates with other children. Sign son up for some holiday clubs and activities. Be less available when they ask for a play date. Look at widening his social circle eg joining cubs.
I’d not tolerate rudeness. Your house, your rules. You may find boy no longer is as keen to come.

Original poster

CharlieMaccy · 03/07/2023 16:26

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions - they're really helpful.

I have seen my DS socialising with others and I think he can be a bit full on with them - if he decides he likes them he wants ALL of their attention and I think that can be a bit overwhelming for other kids at times. I wonder if this child (I'll call him A) is perhaps more accepting of this because he himself doesn't find it easy to make friends.

It's sad because ultimately A is a victim here - at 7 he is hardly responsible for his own upbringing! I really like the suggestion of park dates - neutral territory sounds good as I don't really want my son to go to their house either because it's really hard to deal with the fall out of the name calling and lack of rules, especially when I've not witnessed it first hand.

Thanks again... goodness what a minefield this children lark is!

OP posts:

Pansypotter123 · 03/07/2023 17:16

Are A's parents ever around when A is being mean.

They are perfectly entitled, I suppose, to practise "conscious un-parenting" 🙄🤔 but that does not mean you have to accept this when it impacts on your child.

If you do arrange a play date in the local park, make sure one of A's parents goes too, and call A out every single time he is mean, in front of his parents.

mindutopia · 03/07/2023 17:38

Yes, I think that's fine. Just cool it a bit with this friend and invite other friends around.

My ds has a friend like this unfortunately. They are a tad younger, but I just don't like this kid. He's rude, he's not very nice to my ds (makes fun of him) and it's not very nice to teachers (often swearing at them from what my older one has told me). Ds generally is the sort who gets along with everyone and doesn't have anyone he doesn't like. But because this friend is so pushy, he's kind of just accepted him as his 'best friend' simply because he's the squeakiest wheel. Unfortunately, from speaking to his mum (who is lovely and doing the best she can), I can see that he's getting this from his dad (mum and friend had to escape from him due to DV and coercive control and there is SS and police involvement due to dad), so sadly I think he's mimicking the behaviour he's seen at home. And I really feel for them as it's a tough situation. But this kid is not very nice and a real PITA and not the sort of friend I'd like my ds to have. So we are being polite, but encouraging other friendships, which I think is fine. Your first priority is your own child and teaching them that healthy boundaries are a good things. They shouldn't be unkind, but they don't need to be friends with everyone either.

StuartBroadshairband · 03/07/2023 19:09

Bluevelvetsofa · 03/07/2023 11:32

What is it about him that you don’t like?

What is it that makes you reply to a post without comprehending it?

She clearly addressed your subsequent question.

88Pandora88 · 03/07/2023 20:45

CharlieMaccy · 03/07/2023 11:18

My DS (7) really struggles to make friends. He is sociable but finds it hard to make real friendships. As a result he doesn't have any close friends, apart from one, who is his "best friend".

I wish I could help more, my DD (9) has one best friend also 9, and they've pretty much secluded themselves from others, only playing together at play times etc. Every week it seems to be, friend asks if she can come to play, some weeks I say no, others I leave it to DD to decide. I feel she thinks if she's no, friend will be upset with her. A few weeks back dd wasn't feeling well and said no, friend got annoyed and went home with her parents all grumpy. Dd felt guilty all night thinking it was her fault.

Anyway today friend came over, I took her home few hours later and upon leaving the car, she turned to dd and said "I'll whack you" dd said no, and friend said "fine I'll whack you at school tomorrow" I shot her down saying 'do not whach her or anyone, it's not nice.' friend was stunned and just asked why. So I repeated it's not nice.
Anyway after she went inside, dd said at play times friend just tries to tickle dd which she knows annoys her.
I feel my dd struggles to tell her friend no and has secluded self but as much as I encourage other friendship groups she just retreats back 🙈

MidnightEagle · 04/07/2023 21:59

My 9 year old had a similar friendship (sounds like a similar parenting ethos). They were friends from P1. I couldn't abide having the friend in the house with his rudeness (not just normal child rudeness) . Thankfully over the years they have grown apart (partly due to classes getting rearranged at school). They are still friends but my son has thankfully made some new (much nicer) friends. The other friend still behaves likes he is 4!

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