Different personality or borderline rude?

[RainbowRuby]

Posting here because if I say this to someone in real life- it would be backbiting - so more of a vent.

We entertain our extended family routinely, once every couple of months and try to make a big effort as frankly we enjoy it and so do the kids. A cousins newly married wife (its now been 1.5 years) makes no effort to engage/talk. At first she comes across as a combination of being shy, struggling in a new marriage/relocation and very introverted personality. But they came over again yesterday (part of a larger group) and there was no effort to converse with me (or anyone else) and the only 'active' thing she did was scroll on her phone. No other 'attitude' as per say. Have tried to ask her about her/her life/interests multiple times. AIBU to think she is very rude and dull. We have cooked for 2 days, they stayed over (their choice/request - if she doesn't want to come - don't, nobody held a gun to her head. If her husband is making her, then sort it out with him). Or should I just accept that we are just different and don't click/will not click. I guess what is eating at me is her behaviour (or her personality) is getting under my skin whereas I like to believe I am a 'live and let live' and non-judgemental person. (but clearly she is testing this theory about myself :) )

You've just reminded me of a clip I saw of a comedian, who said "sorry if that sounded blunt, I'm autistic and also a bitch".

I'm sure many would say both are true for me, too 😂

😂well, same to be fair!

ClemFandango1

I'd be very sceptical, but here are some suggestions:

• ask husband to have a word
• make an excuse not to go - better than appearing rude

I've met plenty of people who wouldn't even understand that this kind of behaviour is rude, though. And they were not shy, so I don't think it's reasonable to always assume there was some kind of a MH issue. Some people are rude, ignorant and selfish - it does happen!

In this case everyone was thankfully accommodating her. I was looking around to see if anyone noticed or was bothered and honestly, people were bending over backwards to include her in conversations, checking in on her and/or letting her be (which she seemed most happy with). I guess sometimes it is human nature to expect some sort of reciprocation from those they are trying to accommodate. So when it doesn't come, probably best to back off - whatever the reasons may be. What you see is never the full story.

I had an aunt (by marriage) who would sit in my uncles car when he visited and wouldn't make any effort to talk to anyone. Turns out she was painfully shy. Decades on the whole family absolutely adore her, she is a lovely human being and used to be incredibly kind to us as kids and take us on trips. But she really struggled to get over her shyness. Everyone just tolerated it for years because we could see that my uncle loved her. She was definitely worth the effort.

Thank you everyone for your comments! I think my ultimate decision will be to stay out of it, not mention anything to her husband/her and continue to host them as nicely as I can. If I mention anything, I will come across as nosey/intrusive and someone just looking for gossip. Her husband appears to be a loving and supportive partner and any external comments may just add more pressure for her to 'perform well socially' rather than ease her nerves. Don't want to make my husband's cousin feel that we are judging/assessing his wife every time we meet...... And if she is just plain rude, I guess time will only tell. Now, back to focusing on my own life :)

Being on her phone like a sulky teenager is very rude.

If she wasn't on her phone the whole time, but stayed quiet.. not a big deal.
To be honest, having to visit your in-laws every couple sounds a bit full on! Does she have to visit other relatives in between too, her parents-in-law, husband's siblings?

The poor woman needs a break 😂

Nope, PILs and SILs live in another country. They invited themselves over to ours as her SIL is visiting and was staying with us. Then they asked if they could stay over as well so they could spend more time with the visiting family. So the get together was in no way initiated by us, but accommodated/catered by us :)

If she wasn't on her phone the whole time, but stayed quiet.. not a big deal.

why? If she’s not going to engage, what difference does it make? So she can not participate the ‘right’ way?

Because she knows that if someone else has gone to the trouble if providing both food and accommodation it’s only polite to give something back.
Don’t we all mask to a certain extent? We’ve all had occasions when we would like to tell someone to fuck off but don’t (especially if it’s the boss).
This young woman doesn’t have to attend if she doesn’t want to, she could make some excuse.

I really don't think it would hurt to ask her husband (ask her ideally, but that may be overwhelming for her) if he has any suggestions on how to help her feel more comfortable interacting. Even if the answer is just "best to leave her be" at least you've tried.

Her behaviour is unusual and it's pretty fair to ask. Asking about someone's wellbeing isn't criticism, it's curiosity and caring.

‘Don’t we all mask to a certain extent’ is the equivalent of ‘aren’t we all a little bit autistic?’ And downplays the experience for ND people.

Masking is very exhausting for an autistic person, and often leads to meltdown later. It’s not comparable to grinning and bearing it.

I give excuses sometimes.

I wish to god hosts would have the good grace to just ACCEPT my excuses, but apparently a whole song and dance has to be made to persuade me to come, or to niggle my husband regarding my non-attendance.

I do occasionally take a beat out of long events that I don't really want to go to but that a) my husband would really like me to attend and b) it's him who'll get the nagging questions. I scroll on my phone a while, then crack back on.

I do notice that at these long in law events, if I make polite excuses to leave an hour or two early, the extroverts follow me in drives... So maybe a long weekend get together is a bit much even for those who are apparently happily participating?

I'm guilty of this. Not for a short visit but if I were to stay for several hours and overnight I'd likely have my phone out at times, which DH hates.

Why do I do it? I find I run out of small talk after a while and it's less uncomfortable looking at the phone than sitting in silence looking for something to say.

I'm also very busy with work, family and various other commitments which means I don't get enough sleep, don't have much going on to talk about outside those topics which I know are not interesting to people not involved, and that my brain is usually buzzing with mental todo lists to the degree it's almost painful. So the phone is also something I do to relieve the buzzing.

I'm not saying it's ok, but I'd find it very hard to sit through a visit and overnight stay without looking at my phone.

If she is shy and awkward then I don't understand why she would want to stay overnight. I love my own space and can't do overnight stays at anyone's house

I should have said, I do enjoy visiting and overnight or even weekend stays, but I need to take mental breaks within the socialising, which is what the phone gives me.

No issue with using the phone as per say, everyone wandered off and had their breaks. It was when everyone sat together (dessert in hand) she got on her phone and was then disengaged. I guess what irked me was we never imposed an invite, in fact it was the other way around if anything- especially them staying over. She may be ‘fed up of us’ but they asked to stay over despite us already having 4 guests, a brunch to host (which obviously has to extend to dinner because everyone stayed on), 2 primary school kids and work from 7am the next day for me. She may be doing her own husband a favour by coming- but by no means was she doing me or my family a favour. On her side- she doesn’t work and has no kids (just referencing a previous poster who said tiredness/busyness can be a key factor- to which I agree). Will still try to give benefit of the doubt for now and see how this relationship develops.