AIBU to ask for some hope & success stories- Child Anxiety.

[Ohforfox]

Hello,

I really need some successful stories of children being able to manage their anxiety. My DD 9 has been anxious following a bereavement over 3 years ago. She is constantly worried that something is going to happen to me. I've done all the things suggested online, I let her know if I'm going to be late back etc. I thought it was all going okay, she was happy going to sleepovers again which she had been too worried to do for a few months initially. However, she is due to go on a trip within the UK with her dad and is so worried about it and crying because I won't be there. I'm worried this is holding her back from fully enjoying things and said we might need to try and speak to someone whose job it is to help children with these feelings. She she is open to that, and I will contact the GP on Monday. But is there any hope for her to live a normal, stress free life? She is lovely girl, so kind, loads of friends & outgoing but just has this fear of me being hurt or unwell that's holding her back. I also know the lists are huge for counselling etc just now which makes things difficult. I know she will enjoy the trip and have a great time once she gets there she's just worried just now. She has also faked illness to get out of school before but we made a plan that i will contact her when I'm leaving work so she feels okay. Any help/advice or success stories would be great.

I have some relevant experience and I do believe this is common and fixable but I think you need a pro to help. Is private an option at all - probably something like £60 per session with one session a week

This was me. My mum could have written this. Will elaborate below but yes it gets better, CBT is the first step.

I was exactly the same in that bereavements triggered it - in my case 3 bereavements in a short space of time covering a baby/adult/older person. I was seriously ill - weight plummeted, vomiting at least once per day, couldn't stay out of the house, would vomit if my mum fell asleep before me. I had all the tests going before they settled on a severe case of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (this was 20 years ago so anxiety and depression in children were the last thing they thought to diagnose).

I was prescribed Diazepam for immediate relief, then underwent the first of 3 rounds of CBT I've had to date. It really helped, I gradually built up the tolerance to sleep out of the house, be away from my parents, go on holiday etc.

My mum cried the day I moved to uni as they didn't think I'd ever be able to move away, she never cries but she was so happy for me. I still suffer from anxiety now, but am so much better equipped to deal with it. When I had my baby I spotted the signs of PND immediately and my GP actually thought my anxiety had helped me catch it early and get medication to help.

Personally the two things I found hardest were:

• having to get past the initial phase of "everyone gets anxious" / "you just need to calm down" / (to my mum) "you need to force her to do x or she will never get any better." Until my diagnosis was taken seriously (ie that my level of anxiety was a medical issue and was not the same as someone else being nervous before an exam) my mum was my absolute rock - she always reassured me that she understood I couldn't help it and wasn't just looking for attention.
• once I started coping better, the fact that if you get too successful at masking people will revert back to "everyone gets anxious." I once had a teacher in sixth form tell me I "didn't look like a person that had anxiety and depression" after I started struggling again and ended up in hospital - this was said immediately after they read the hospital letter I provided with to explain why I'd missed 2 lessons and could miss more in the future if they clashed with my second round of therapy.

Basically people can be dicks but you sound like you'll be a great advocate for your daughter and it will get better for her! Feel free to PM me if you wish.

My DD has crippling anxiety after covid, slightly different as it's social anxiety. CBT is super helpful. It's covered my DH work, nhs wait lists are long. However gp can often help with websites and apps to help in the meantime

@MissingGrandstand that sounds awful for you. It was my mum we lost right at the start of the pandemic. My DD does cope remarkably well - she could go into a room of strangers and chat away which is why I think I've left it so long. I do worry that I am enabling her to carry on by making 'plans' such as texting her when I leave work but it has worked for us until something new happens. I will absolutely look into CBT - my mum did leave me some money so I would be happy to put that towards it for her. She does sleep out at friends and will go out for the day but it's the distance she's worried about for this trip and the fact it's a flight. I have so much hope reading your story and I'm glad things got better for you! I think I am probably guilty of thinking most kids get anxious and if she doesn't want to stay out that's okay but I don't want her to struggle any more than she has to. I feel awful that I've let it go on so long. Nobody would believe she worries so much as she's so confident and outgoing!

@unicorncrumble I'm sorry your DD is also struggling. I'll be honest it makes me feel anxious too I'm so worried about her getting to the airport and freaking out! Her dad doesn't really get it & doesn't have a lot of patience so she doesn't want him to know which is difficult! I've had a look online at young minds and plan to give them a call to talk about things that can help . My DD has come on leaps and bounds from the start of 2020 but it's always underlying & I realise now I've been negligent in not getting her proper help. I think the pandemic has made it worse I know I myself probably haven't dealt with my grief either! Sometimes I feel so smothered by her which is terrible I know but she needs to know where I am constantly and when I'll be back. Me going away for a weekend is absolutely out of the question as she just wouldn't cope.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Your-Child-Fears-Worries/dp/1472138619/ref=asc_df_1472138619/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6470469161267879391&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006868&hvtargid=pla-684582770619&psc=1 this is an excellent book that uses CBT approach.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter struggling. I could have written the same about my son. He got to the point where we thought he had ocd as he struggled so badly to cope following the deaths of two family members.

It's still a work in progress but he is so much better than he was. What we have done is..

Got him bereavement counselling at a hospice. Have a look at your local hospice, they may offer it and it's free. He is coming to the end of his and it's really helped him.

Working our way through a book called your anxiety gremlin. It was recommended by a child phycologist. Has some good ideas in to try to help. It's cbt based.

A step by step program to work through, in his case at the moment it's to get him to stop doing the anxiety based behaviours that we thought was ocd (phychologist we spoke to said she thought they were anxiety based safety behaviours rather than true ocd). Have a read of a book called helping your child with fears and worries. It helps you set out plans that they can work through step by step.

He is on a list to see a private physcologist in person but actually he is doing so well we may not need to take up the space when it becomes available.

We also get him to do stuff like cosmic kids yoga, guided meditation etc to help him relax.

I know how hard it is seeing your child struggle.

You beat me too it! We have used this book and found it excellent.

Oh, and the bereavement counselling has also really focused on anxiety management for my son so has been super helpful. We only had to wait a few weeks to get him seen too which was great.

I’m sure you’ve had lots of good advice on here already but in case you aren’t able to access more therapeutic help before she goes away I was going to suggest transitional objects. That’s were you give her something very precious and personal to you to look after while she’s away and which she should return to you when she’s back. I chose to give a photo but a presume a necklace or something like that would work with an older child.

I would definitely recommend trying to find some form of professional help as, in my experience with DD, anxiety can seem to get better only for it to resurface in another form. Because the triggers for my DD's anxieties changed over the years we were always hopeful that things were improving. After phases of anxiety about being out of the house without me when she was younger; she then had a year of terrible food anxiety and now crippling health anxiety, not being able to rationalise or deal with quite small problems with her health and having panic attacks.

Thank you so so much for all these helpful responses! I have ordered both books & will think of an object she can take with her, although she may then be anxious about losing it! But a necklace could work! I've told her to get me a souvenir so she's looking forward to choosing something & I'll have a look for local therapists in my area. I don't want to let it go on & work itself out as that's obviously not working so need to look into proper help for her.