AIBU to not like ‘family secrets’?

[Secretkeeper50]

Growing up there was always lots of things we were not allowed to discuss outside of the family home.

Even as adults in our mid 30s there are still things that we get told that we are not to tell anyone (even our partners yeah right).

Latest one is that my brother (33) is unable to work currently due to bad depression. My mother told me this and has said “if you tell anyone I shall never forgive you.” 🤔

Anyone else have a parent like this?!

We weren’t asking to keep secrets but we knew that certain things shouldn’t be disclosed outside of the house.

Even as adults in our mid 30s there are still things that we get told that we are not to tell anyone (even our partners yeah right).

You don't have to tell you partner absolutely everything, you know. 🙄

I can't imagine my mother ever threatening to 'never forgive me' or swearing me to secrecy. There have been times when they've told me something and said that it's supposed to be kept quiet, but they've never suggested I couldn't or shouldn't tell my husband.

It's reasonable to expect family to not go blabbing and spreading gossip about sensitive or private matters, but YANBU to find your family's dynamic around 'secrets' uncomfortable!

If my brother asked me specifically to keep that secret I would, otherwise, I chat a lot to my close friends about my family, my children and so on, in fact, they would probably ask how's your brother and I would share my worries with them. I wouldn't tell anyone but a couple of close friends as no-one would be interested but I would hate the idea these things ought to be totally secret. I (with her permission) talk about my children's mental health issues, again, bringing things into the light, not making them shameful, sharing ideas and thoughts with others is incredibly helpful, I have found so much solidarity and support from being honest and it also demonstrates to my dd that she herself has nothing to be ashamed of and can be herself without being a secret for others. If she said don't tell anyone mum, I wouldn't. I don't talk behind her back. I'm equally upfront about my own difficulties in life and a lot of people talk to me about theirs.

In this instance, I'd think about what your brother would want and do that, but if the burden and stress on you is high, then I would confide in a good friend or a therapist.

If OPS situation is anything like mine was, it's more the atmosphere of living under a cloud of secrecy, rather than not respecting a family member's right to privacy. Being told you can't repeat anything is a weighty burden to place on a child, especially as children are naturally very open and don't have the maturity to understand people's private information. Everything feels so heavy. I wasn't allowed to tell a lot of things outside the family. Some of them are serious and not my business to tell. Some are relating to other people's health, again not my business. Some of them were so silly, so inconsequential, but not allowed to be repeated and I was also encouraged to actively lie about stupid stuff. Constantly watching every word you say or worrying you let something slip was so draining. I don't have an issue with keeping a confidence but the level of secrecy over everything was tense. My husband calls my family's obsession with secrets El Muerto. If I don't want my kids to repeat something, I don't tell them. Simple as that.