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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to see less of my mother's partner

7 replies

BeeHappy12 · 02/07/2023 13:16

I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable and would really appreciate opinions.

My parents are divorced and did so when i was 16, it was a very tumultuous time and although they are amicable, they have been very self centred both before and after the divorce. They both parented with what i heard once described as 'benign neglect' but also hitting and growing up i felt quite isolated from my parents.

Post divorce my mother has had 4-5 relationships and each time she 'forces' her partner on myself and siblings. She always introduces them very quickly and just moved too fast with our relationship with them. They then don't last and now i have her ex in my wedding photos she insisted on him being in, etc.

I didn't mind too much until i had kids. I have 3 DC (oldest is 4 yo) and in that time she has dated and broken up with a partner and now has another partner that has met my kids, we have been on an international holiday with them both, she really forces him on us and i really dislike it.

Her partner doesn't see his children because of a messy divorce, perhaps that's why she tries to force his presence on us. It's just annoying because sometimes i just want to see my mum or talk to her about things i can't in front of him (i had a miscarriage and literally couldn't find a time to talk because he's always around, even when i zoom call).

On the other hand my dad has had 1 partner for the past 7 years and he doesn't bring her on holiday with us but I've met her kids, I'll have dinner at her house occasionally and i invite her to my place as well but it's not expected that she'll always visit with him or be at dinner, etc.

AIBU to tell my mum that although her partner means a lot to her, he is a peripheral person in my life and I would like to see less of him.

OP posts:
35965a · 02/07/2023 13:19

YANBU at all. Her partners are nobody to you, she should realise that. She doesn’t though, so you’ll have to address it with her.

pinguins · 02/07/2023 13:20

YANBU but I think the wider issue here is that you need to come to terms with the fact your mum isn't really there for you and she prioritises her own happiness and comfort (e.g. having her partner around even when it's inconvenient to you) above yours. Personally when I stopped looking to my mum for emotional support it was easier to live with the fact I never got it.

Original poster
BeeHappy12 · 02/07/2023 13:26

35965a · 02/07/2023 13:19

YANBU at all. Her partners are nobody to you, she should realise that. She doesn’t though, so you’ll have to address it with her.

Thanks for the response, i have mentioned it in the past when i was immediately post partum and i could tell she was annoyed (became quiet, stopped visiting, told my sister that i made her feel unwelcome, that type of thing). I found that difficult because it felt like i accept everything has to be on her terms or else i get 'punished'

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeHappy12 · 02/07/2023 13:32

pinguins · 02/07/2023 13:20

YANBU but I think the wider issue here is that you need to come to terms with the fact your mum isn't really there for you and she prioritises her own happiness and comfort (e.g. having her partner around even when it's inconvenient to you) above yours. Personally when I stopped looking to my mum for emotional support it was easier to live with the fact I never got it.

Reading your response i realise that's exactly it, she doesn't prioritise our relationship. I've never had emotional support from her and i am someone who would've really loved that (as most people would) from my mum so i have struggled to accept that. But, i think you're right that I'll feel better if i fully come to terms with the fact that she's not the emotional support i would like.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2023 13:46

You would be much happier if you kept your mother on the sidelines of your life, and your kids will be much better off without these random men invading their lives. The lack of stability your mother models is very damaging to children, as you well know.

I'm very sorry your mother will never be the mum you needed and wanted her to be, but you can be that mum for your kids.

Original poster
BeeHappy12 · 02/07/2023 13:54

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2023 13:46

You would be much happier if you kept your mother on the sidelines of your life, and your kids will be much better off without these random men invading their lives. The lack of stability your mother models is very damaging to children, as you well know.

I'm very sorry your mother will never be the mum you needed and wanted her to be, but you can be that mum for your kids.

Thank you, I try incredibly hard to parent in a different style to my parents which is difficult but necessary for my children.

OP posts:
HollyBookBlue · 02/07/2023 14:03

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2023 13:46

You would be much happier if you kept your mother on the sidelines of your life, and your kids will be much better off without these random men invading their lives. The lack of stability your mother models is very damaging to children, as you well know.

I'm very sorry your mother will never be the mum you needed and wanted her to be, but you can be that mum for your kids.

This.

You would not be unreasonable of you to have a conversation with your mum saying you would like to spend time with her without her partner. It sounds like she wouldn't react well to that, but then you'll know you did everything you could before you reduce contact with her

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