To ask all the lovely divorced/separated ladies for advice/support.

[Pathologicalpeoplepleaser]

I cannot believe I am even typing this but here it goes. Please be gentle in your replies as my mental health been at the absolute lowest and I feel like I have lost everything.

Dh and I have been together for 12 years and have gone though all kind of ups and downs together. However, since the start of this year we been more distant from each other than ever and I now feel like we are heading towards separation. We have got 3 children together and this will affect them massively but I cannot live this way anymore.

DH is a workaholic meaning he has a very intense full time work , returns home about 18.30 has a quick dinner (always prepared by me) and carries on working on the laptop till 23. He would take a break to help kids brush teeth perhaps read to one of them but this will be it. It has also become a pattern that every single weekend we now have horrific fights. I just want to do something nice as a family and want to sit in a park, go to a museum or the beach but every single element of our family life irritates him and causes anger outbursts. He blames it on him having a burnout from his intense work but then would tell me 'he wishes he was just at work' and uses every escape to go to a different room back to going through emails on his computer or reading reports to prepare for the next week at work. So far this year he took 1 day of leave and last year he had most of his leave days expire as he didnt use them. Every time I have to almost beg him to take time off work and then I end up regretting it because he starts those days by finding any excuse to have an argument with me. Yesterday was one of those days when he told me that he doesn't even want to sleep with me ever again and that all I do is ask him to do things around the house when he needs rest after a long week at work.

I have been carrying the mental load for everything to do with our 3 kids and the household for about 9 years now. I have only managed to work part time with some days from home as I have no other support and my husband is unreliable and couldn't make it on time to even pick up my youngest from nursery. My kids are very sociable fun and involved in many after school activities and I am the person taking them to all of them. Except for perhaps 3 times a year where my DH took our eldest to his rugby classes.

I am beyond exhausted and I want to share a family life with a partner who I married. I dreamt of doing so many family activities in a calm family environment but I feel like we r not on the same page anymore.

I don't earn enough to move out right now and unfortunately might need to rely on UC for the first year to adjust to living on my income and rent somewhere on my own or put my name down for a council house. He is a higher earner and the reason for that is that I often put my goals last to support the smooth running of our family . I have no family support whatsoever around me and no savings.

I just need some advice how to build my life on my own and how to move on. I honestly still love my husband and it really hurts but I don't see him wanting to spend time with his children. I am also terrified that i will lose my kids because I do not earn enough and he does and therefore provides for their needs (he threatened me with that last night).

First of all, to reassure you, there is no way you will lose your kids simply because he earns more money. 50/50 split would be the usual starting point but realistically it doesn’t sound like he would even manage that. It may be true that he earns more money to provide for the kids, but that is what CMS is for.

I was in a similar situation, doing pretty much everything and life is much easier after splitting. I have one less person to cook clean and launder for. In addition I get a break from childcare when they are at their Dads. They even have a better relationship with him as he has stepped up since we left. They go to him once a week which I suspect might be the sort of contact level your husband might cope with.

Good luck

This was me 8 years ago, everything was on my shoulders, all the children's activities etc

We share 50/50 now, and he does do things with the DC, he has to take them to activities because sometimes im working and they're old enough now to tell him he's ruining it for them if he doesn't take them!

I made sure I had enough in the bank to pay rental deposit and first months rent, and I went. Everything else came later. I bought second hand furniture/free social media pages and bit by bit I replaced it all for new. I claimed benefits for a while. I was in the middle of my degree at the time. So I had a bursary too. Once I got a full time job the benefits stopped.

It'll take time but I promise, In a few years time you can look back and be proud you did it by yourself! It's tough! And you'll cry a lot. If you need to work more hours UC will help with childcare, you'll get maintenance of their father too.

That sounds absolutely hideous. You are perfectly within reason to decide to end it. Triggering arguments to avoid doing family things or stuff he doesn’t want to do, is gaslighting. You will find life a lot easier without him to contend with. There is no way you would lose the children, he’s playing with your mind by suggesting that. He sounds like a horrific piece of work. It may be that he’s mentally fucked up and going down in a spiral, but it’s not for you to carry the load for years and years. It may be that you seeking a divorce and separation will prompt him to look at himself a bit harder. And if it doesn’t, you’re well rid of this bully.

You're having a miserable time OP, but you'll get through it and out the other side.

Lots of more knowledgeable posters can offer you advice about the children situation. As someone who divorced without children, my relationship was in the doldrums like yours is, but I was so apprehensive about moving on, because I was scared of the process of getting there. But I promise you, once you are no longer under the same roof, the relief is actually physical.

I compromised so much during this relationship and beforewe could always talk things through and discuss our issues and try and mend things. But now when I am mentally exhausted from constantly mending all the cracks and he is physically exhausted from his work but refuses to reduce the workload neither of us want to fight for this relationship anymore. .

Within the past 5 years of my life I lost many of my friends and family members, I went through severe PND and literally had to pull myself up from the darkest of places for the sake of my children and our family. And now this is a relatively calm period of our lives but we are still not enjoying life together. I feel alone and cold and often just wish he could go back to being the guy I married thoughtful and funny and caring.

I dread weekends as a family as I walk on egg shells to avoid arguments and when I say that I don't like how he responds to me or the kids the arguments go out of proportion.

I been crying so much for the past few days I want him to show that he is willing to work on himself but he acts like he no longer cares.

I have got so many qualifications but cannot work to the best of my capacity because I don't have anyone to help with the kids at all and would not afford a wraparound care for all 3 of them and frankly 2 of them are too young for it. We never brought things up like who is paying more bills etc cause he knew that I keep the household together so he could go out and work such long hours. But now he throws that he pays bills in my face and provides for the kids and I feel so alone.

Thank u for all your support x

He’s a workoholic OP, and that can be as destructive as any addiction. He very probably is burnt out, and that is why he’s blanking you all, but that is something he has had plenty of time to address.

You will hopefully not be broke, because he will have to pay for the kids, and you will also not loose your kids.

Don’t talk to him about separation again - he might start hiding money and also I will cause rows when you should be focusing on the future.

Gather all the financial info you can, and go and see a solicitor, they will explain how the money will break down.

You will be entitled to a share of his pension and likely an equal share of the house. It doesn’t matter that he was working outside the home and you were looking after the kids. You have been a partnership and the wealth has to be shared equally.

He will have to pay towards the kids upkeep.

It’s absolute nonsense that he would take custody of the kids because he earns more. He will just pay towards them. He could go for 50/50 at most but given the fact he’s always worked full time and you’ve looked after the kids he’s unlikely to get it, and if he did I bet it would last 5 minutes before they we’re back with you almost full time.

Try and negotiate to keep the house until the kids are grown up, but this will depend on whether it’s possible to also get him somewhere to live if this happens. If not it will be sold and split.

I know it all feels awful right now, but try and turn your attention to the future.

Once you have a plan in place tell him, but not till then.