Not to go to work meal

[VinoVeritas1]

Boss is arranging a work lunch soon to get our team together. She is keen for all of us to go, particularly as we are now at full compliment in terms of staffing & it will be an opportunity to greet two new members of staff. I want to stay away. Mainly because I went for one of the jobs that another person got and I don’t want to sit there smiling & pretending I’m all ok with the order of things, because I’m not.

I was a strong candidate & was encouraged to apply by my manager, and the person they’ve essentially nicked from another team to fill one of the seconded posts doesn’t have any direct background in the field. I also think it was mostly a budgetary decision - I’m at a lower banding than the other candidate so they’d have had to pay more for me to jump up a couple of levels. For him they’ve paid approx. £15000 less. I’m a reliable, capable and skilled worker, and I was told by a few colleagues in my work stream that it would be a shame to lose me from the projects I’m in. (One of these was the wife of one of the interviewing managers!) So adding all these things together has made me think it was about more than operational capability. Which has right pissed me off.

So I don’t want to go to the sodding meal, which is going to cost me a small fortune anyway and it’s miles away from where I live which means a shit ton of petrol in the tank & thus more expense. But given a lot of emphasis is being placed on the event, would I be too conspicuous by my absence? I really would prefer to take leave and spend the time with my kids (it’s during the first week of the summer holidays).

AIBU? Advice from others who’ve been there? I feel really undervalued and sidelined by big boss but my direct manager I get on well with and in my own little team/work stream I’m quite happy. So I'm not unhappy if that makes sense, just don’t really want it rubbed in my face any more than it needs to be. I just feel I want to distance myself from them a bit (again not my own team, just the wider team.)

Book the day off.
Try and regain your motivation, but if it’s not possible, look for other step-up opportunities (internally and externally).

Try and hide the extent of your frustration - it’s justified, but emotions on display harm careers.

Don't go to the lunch if you don't want to. But you're never owed a job, even when you're encouraged to apply, so stop with the sour grapes.

Also team building lunches paid out of own pockets? Ridiculous. The team manager should be embarrassed.

It is fine to stay away, it is just a question of how you do that/what you say that needs sorting.

You can't sulk forever. Chin up, and keep going.

If you feel that strongly about missing out on the role, it's definitely time to look outside this company for a new job.

Don't waste a week of AL on this.

Take the week off
Accept that you didn't get the job with good grace and don't get bitter
Point out that a team lunch needs to be fully funded

You need to suck up not getting the job. As PP, no one owes you a job.
Have you sought feedback?
When this happened to me, I used it as motivation to knuckle down, fill in the gaps in my experience and push myself. 3 years later, I am 2 grades higher than I had been (and a grade higher than the job I didn't get).

I'd go to the lunch, smile and wave and get to know my new colleagues. You're going to have to work with them regardless, and it's much easier to do so if you have met, even if you're not friendly, at least be civil.

Business expenses should be claimable though.

I assume it’s not compulsory, you can just decline. Don’t worry about the job, if it’s something you want start looking for something else that’s a step up.

I think it will make you look like you have a bad attitude and you can probably count out future promotions

If it’s close to the time where you have been turned down from the job, your absence will be noted and remembered

Your reaction to not getting a job will play into their view of you when the next opportunity comes round

I would go as it’s a one time thing, be professional and then focus on your own work and team after the meal

YABU. You aren't entitled to a promotion. I mean this kindly, but candidates won't always know why they weren't selected. Whilst you think you were perfect for the role or at least much better than the person who was appointed, the employer may not feel that way.

I've turned down well qualified people before based on personality, fit in the team and other less quantifiable reasons.

I think you need to have a think about how you proceed. Are you now actively looking for another job? If so, then by all means don't go, but it won't go unnoticed.

If you decide you want to stay regardless of not getting the promotion this time, then you need to suck it up and go.

There's nothing worse than a resentful colleague. And if it helps, I had a colleague who wanted my job and didn't get it. She worked hard, stayed in the role and when I left, she got the job. A few years later she was running the team.

I understand your resentment but it's not a good look. You're assuming reasons for the choice of the other candidate which could well be very wide of the mark. It's not uncommon to be encouraged to apply for a job but very wrong to assume that you will get it.

Personally I'd go to the meal and hide my feelings - no one is interested in your seething resentment. And no one will think less of you for fronting it out and appearing to take it in your stride. In fact, it will make you seem mature and resilient.

However, if you'd rather leave, then it doesn't really matter.

Well I was going to say you should absolutely go, not getting the job and then refusing to go will make you look a bit pathetic. BUT - you have to pay for it yourself?! What sort of work lunch is that? They certainly can’t demand you attend on that basis!

This is normally good advice, but there are exceptions.
I’ve known companies and line managers who wring out extra effort all the time and dangle some vague promises about a bright future that never materialises.

A good rule of thumb for ambitious experienced/mid-level professionals is, if you don’t get recognised (with extra responsibilities/perks/salary/title) after two years, you are not on their radar as a worthy talent, so it’s time to move on.

How long have you been there? Do they often have lunches/get togethers that you attend? Guessing this is during the normal working day?

Lunch should be provided free if it’s during your working day. If it’s out of hours (strange for a lunch) then you don’t have to go, it’s your own time. If they regularly do this and you normally attend, then yes it will be noticed you’re not there and obvious why.

Your attitude to not getting this job will affect how you are seen in future.

you applied for the job and didn't get it. The only person who will look bad because of your reaction is you.

I think some posters are being harsh. Op stating how they feel about the job issue on an anonymous forum doesn’t mean they’re showing any attitude or resentment in work.

@VinoVeritas1 it’s perfectly normal to feel disappointed and not really inclined to show up and paste on a smile. If you don’t go it’s likely some of your colleagues will read it as sour grapes but unless that would bother you I wouldn’t let it be a deciding factor. You’ve said it’ll cost a lot and it’s a bit of a journey so I think that’s a good enough reason if you’re asked why you’re not attending.

I wouldn’t go. We have team lunches we have to pay for ourselves. Sometimes I can’t afford it!

You have to pay for the meal and travel their yourself (away from usual office etc.)?

YANBU for not going for that reason alone. Just explain it is not in your budget, especially during the kids' school holidays. You will not be the only person thinking this. The job situation is just extra salt in the wound.

Solid advice here. I have been in a job where payrises and bonuses were dangled, but there was always an excuse for why they were not given.

You have another 3 weeks to get over this.

I’d be pissed off if I had to pay for it myself, though.

If you can't go with good grace, don't go.

I agree you need to get some proper feedback and focus on finding a new role if you're going to be unable to work in the current team without bitterness, and without disdain for the person who got the job.

I'm also surprised work aren't paying if there's an expectation you all go.

Lots of quite harsh advice here!
You are allowed to be upset about this. It would be abnormal not to be.
I can quite see why you wouldn't want to go to the party - even if one approach is to go along and at least be seen to be sucking it up.
Has your direct manager actually spoken with you about why you didn't get the job - this is what should have happened.

Something like:
Vino, you weren't successful on this occasion for this one job. But that doesn't mean the company doesn't value your work. In fact we do - your work is great. For this role we wanted capabilities X and Y, so this guy just pipped you at the post, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't get something if you apply again in future. How are you feeling?
At which you say (depending on your personal relationship with the line manager) - pile of crap actually. Really disappointed. And then you say - if I were to try again for something, what extras would I need to have to be considered.
Now ... you mention that the guy who got the job is £15K cheaper than you. This may well have been one of the factors. But there might be other factors - he is seen as being good at networking with external clients (I'm making this up, but anything really). Or ... maybe even hiring a man instead of a woman (I'm guessing you are a woman, right!). Anyway there are lots of possible factors which it is hard to identify from a distance.
But what I am saying is ... if the company wants to retain your labour the onus is on them to handle it decently from their side. Not just say:
"Dear Vino, please come to a dinner where we have reserved you a seat next to the guy who got a promotion over you, so he can pump you for info and you can feel bad"

It's totally up to you. No idea what you want MN to add. Yes, it will probably be noticeable if you don't go but it's not compulsory.

However, l will add the following. If you would be so angry simply being in the same room as the 'successful candidate' then you have an anger management problem. Also you're angry at the wrong person.
If you're angry in general about the situation, have you asked for feedback? Could it be that this candidate performed better at the interview on the day than you? I know plenty of people who were quite capable of fullfilling a job role but didn't get the offer....because someone else showed more potential at the interview.
Lastly, what's your plan going forward. Are you going to just sit and quietly brood?

The same thing happened to my DH and he was very hurt and bitter about it. The person who would have become his manager wanted him, but was overridden by a new person higher up the chain. While I was very sympathetic to him, I could see the injustice of it, I could also see that his attitude in the immediate aftermath was doing him no favours.

He stayed and got on with his job and fairly soon after that a new project cropped up which he was given a main role in, which then created other openings.

Roll on 3 years, he is still in the same job, but it has become a better one. The person they employed was better in the role than he would have been in some respects - and he accepts this - but that person is very well aware of DHs particular strengths and has involved DH on a few occasions to do the side of things that DH is very good at.

So my immediate suggestion is suck it up, be the better person and see where it leads you.