Haunting dreams about arguments with my mum

[AliceMay55]

Growing up, my mum and I had a lot of differences. I struggled as she never stood up for me, let relatives put me down, compared me with other kids and told me a million times how others (cousin, her colleagues kids etc) were better than me. She says she did that to motivate me to do well academically (wtf).
During my teen years, I went into absolute rage at times. Had huge shouting arguments with my mum. They all ended with her asking me to divert my mind or forget the past etc. she never acknowledged, never changed. Eventually, I ended up doing better than everyone else (those she compared me with) - not once did I hear she was proud of me.
Anyway, I moved away, got married, had kids etc. Our relationship is much better now, she is quite nice to my children. We still disagree on a lot of things, but just leave it there. She is in her early 70s .
My problem now is the nightmares! Those raging fights keep happening over and over again, where I’m mad at her, she refuses to budge and it drives me even more mad! I wake up with my heart racing and a headache.
How do I stop the nightmare? It’s atleast been a decade since we argued over anything for more than 5mins. I’m scared I’ll die iin my sleep arguing with my mum :(

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Sounds awful, can’t you talk to her about it?

No, it’s always my fault.

You have unresolved trauma from all those arguments. I would seek therapy, it doesn’t seem like your mum will ever acknowledge that her pare tying style was damaging!

I would look into therapy. Either talk therapy or EDMR or both. Your dreams are happening because you need to process your feelings, I would suspect.

Is there something else going on in your life where you are not feeling listened to or being criticised?

I know for myself my dreams can reflect what's going on in my actual life. For example if I'm feeling disorganised/not on top of things I will tend to dream about being at university and having assignments due I haven't started. I haven't been at uni for over 20 years but it was probably peak disorganisation time for me so that's where my brain goes if I'm feeling stressed about disorganisation.

I was just told I’m being made redundant. That’s a major stress event I’m dealing with right now. Could this be a trigger?

Possibly, especially if it is bringing up feelings of being overlooked? Especially if the dreams have only been a recent thing. You would think if it's due to unresolved issues from your past the dreams would have been happening all along.

They haven’t been a recent thing. I coped better when I was younger I suppose.

Having been through similar I've found going NC with my mother has really improved my mh and the nightmares / constant daytime dreams about it.

I wonder has someone else in your life failed you now in much the same way, not standing up for you or criticising you and you felt the same emotion. Some sort of emotional memory is flooding back?

When my mum died for a long time I could only remember bad times and never good til someone told me guilt can do that. On some level I felt guilt for my role in our many arguments although I still strongly feel (18 yrs on) that she was wrong. I know your Mum is still in your life but she is getting older, maybe its a similar suppressed guilt?

My husband did the same in the early years of our marriage. My friends said I chose him because he was like my mom. I have realised that might be true.
I suffered for years, thinking it’s all me. Until I started standing up for myself. He is really nice to me now.

Guilt ? Why? Do victims feel guilty?

Re guilt I have no idea! It was just something someone said to me. I don't consciously feel guilty about stuff, but it is different obviously if someone passes away cos everything is so unresolved.

Wow this has completely been a revelation to me! Thank you so much. I often have nightmares about doing badly at Uni, not revising for tests, needing to gain more qualifications etc etc to get/keep my job. And when I wake up and I'm still half with it/half asleep it takes me a while to remember I've been doing my job for 25 years and there's no need ever again for exams or revision. I'm obviously feeling inferior or inadequate or 'behind' in something else. I have a good idea what might be, so hopefully if I address it these awful dreams will stop. Obviously they're not scary terror dreams, but they get me so anxious and worried and they've been plaguing me for years. I'm so anxious each time I wake up.

You need a good therapist. Your mum was horrible to you and just because now she is old she is much nicer, it doesn't take away from the abuse and neglect she put you through. It's completely understandable that you have this suppressed rage towards her. It's time to put yourself first and get the emotional and psychological help you always needed. I wish you well. Whatever it costs you financially if you can't get counselling on the NHS, please do this for yourself. Your childhood sounds so hard.

I have dreams like these OP, and similar experiences growing up. I don’t know what to suggest to you, but I’m interested to read the responses. I hope you get some answers! ❤️

I few really sad for you OP and for women like you. My mum died when I was a child, and she had her flaws, but she had tried her best. I don't know what to say to women who find their mum to be their greatest enemy in their childhood. I went through a lot, but not that. I just wan to repeat myself and say it's really important that you get a good therapist. Having trouble with your dad is normal and common, but I think most people expect the mother daughter relationship to be mostly loving. I wish you well.

Sorry about spelling.