Living in a fantasy land

[allinmyhead1000]

I'm living in a fantasy land and dreaming of a life I don't have, or rather a relationship I don't have.
I'm a woman married to another woman and we have 1DC.

I don't feel very happy in this relationship. We've been together for years. I don't remember ever feeling truly wanted by her. Like really wanted, when you know that someone really loves you and wants you, desires you etc.

I have felt it before in previous relationships.

I'm finding myself fantasising about being in a relationship with a woman who really loves and wants me, where we have a great time together and I feel truly loved.
It's just a fantasy but in some weird way brings me some happiness thinking about it. Then I feel sad when I'm brought back to reality.

I'm also sad that if we do end our marriage that I might not meet anyone else. A few months ago I thought to myself that I never want a relationship again because it's so much hassle. But now I think it is something I'd want. (My DC is my number 1 priority so I really want to make that clear too.)

I'm just not sure I would find it.
Meeting another woman now when I'm 37 with a child?
I know men and women do this in heterosexual relationships. I just haven't seen it all that much in the lesbian world I suppose.

......

I don't know what your chances are of finding your fantasy if you split up. It tends to boil down to how choosy you are, how attractive you are to your target demographic (more interest = more chances of one of your options working out) and how many of your target demographic your life allows you to meet.
I do know your chances are far greater than if you stay together. Not to mention that being alone feels preferable to your current situation.
Its a gamble alright, but your stake is low given you're unhappy, and the prize could be huge.

Sorry I've typed out several answers and all my advice sounds shit but I hope you get some good advice.

If you were my friend I'd be telling you that you need to try and separate the two issues. If you are unhappy now in your relationship then that's something you need to do something about. One way or another. Whether it's work on the relationship or whether it's end the relationship. Something has to change as you are not happy at the moment and that's no way to live the rest of your life.

Nobody can know if you would ever be able to go on to have a happy and successful relationship. But people do have happy relationships. You've got to work out why you aren't happy now though.

I find it interesting your solution is to split rather than try and explain how you feel. That makes me think that maybe you have tried? Have you had any professional couples counselling or individual? No relationship is going to be amazing every single day but having those special days are important to keep it going. The most important thing is life is to short to be constantly unhappy

@5128gap
You are absolutely right. I know there's a higher chance if I wasn't in this relationship.
And you're also right about being alone. I feel a lot of the time like that would be preferable. Although I'd be worried of being too lonely. I'm not very social. Don't have loads of friends. I have some but most of them live quite far away (4 hour drive away).

I work from home and don't really meet new people either to make new friends.

@pinguins
I'm sure it wouldn't have been that shit, but thank you 😊

What would be the likely residence arrangements for your child if you were to separate?

@MossCow
I feel as if the relationship can't really be worked on in terms of it being more satisfying romantically or growing together. It would perhaps be more of a case of working together to get along better so it isn't so tense and like walking on eggshells all the time.
I feel like the weeks and months just pass by and we are more like 2 people just living together, bringing up a child.

When I say about seeing a couples counsellor, she doesn't want to.
But I'm not sure how much it would help anyway. Some of the issues I have, they've been here for years.
Not feeling like she's attentive, caring or affectionate. Which is something I love in a relationship but hasn't been present in this one.

@chezpopbang
I have suggested couples Counselling many times but she doesn't want to go.
We've talked many times of what we are actually doing in this relationship. I don't think either of us are very satisfied. But I don't think she would ever end the relationship.
She has said she wants us to bring up our child together. But nothing really about me.

We are like housemates living together.
We don't kiss and haven't got years, there isn't any affection. We have sex maybe once per year.

I wonder if all relationships are like this or if there are genuinely happy, loving, supportive relationships out there where there's lots of affection. I've been in this one so long that I wonder if all relationships would just be like this.

@ChocChipHandbag
I would really hate to be away from my DC but I feel like it would be 50/50. Neither of us want that which is why I feel like we're staying together.
She doesn't want to have days where she isn't with DC and neither do I. But I don't think either of us are satisfied together.

We also have frozen embryos and were planning another child. Which makes me sad because I don't feel it would be the right thing to do. We both want a sibling for our DC but it would probably just keep us in the relationship longer. Or it would mean there's more to deal with if we separate with 2 children, which also wouldn't be fair.

Your DC must still be quite young then, if you are planning a sibling?

Perhaos that is part of the issue- young kids can be all-consuming.

It sounds like you’d both benefit from couples counselling. Would you be up for that?

@ChocChipHandbag
I have suggested it multiple times but she's said she wouldn't want to go to couples Counselling.
Having a child has made things harder in some ways. But I think it's highlighted where there were already problems.
I think over time, I am just questioning is this what I really want. Is this the relationship I really want to have? It doesn't seem like a romantic relationship at all. And hasn't for a very long time.
DC is 1.

Oh dear. I’m not sure I should say any more because it seems like you were really unwise too bring a child into what was already a broken relationship. I’d assumed the marital problems came after your child was born and she/she was at least school age. On the other hand a split now would be easier for the child than after they are old enough to understand.

Anyway, one of you had a baby only a year ago. I’m not sure anyone experiences romantic and sexual intensity at that stage. Her reluctance to talk about it is worrying, you can’t fix it if she won’t.