To feel confused about my childhood

[Confuzsle]

I’m really struggling with how I feel about my immediate family and childhood. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’ll try and keep it brief

I was brought up in a very strict environment. Both my parents were very religious, avid churchgoers and therefore I was brought up in this religion (it’s not main stream, a bit ‘cultish’). We (my siblings and I) had very regimented lives, school, homework, music practice, bible reading etc.

when I was a teenager I wanted to leave the religion and explore who I was. This was met with great hostility and disappointment from my parents. I rebelled a bit, nothing major, just skipped school a few times, refused to do my homework etc. My parents reaction to this was to ‘pray for me’ and hold regular prayer meetings at the house with other members of the church to discuss why I was behaving this way.

I spent the rest of my teens feeling very confused and like a bad person. I carried a lot of guilt. If I ever ‘back chatted’ I was told I was responsible for upsetting my mother and making her ill.

I never felt as though I was ever good enough and tried so hard to please them but they were never proud of me. It effected my sense of self worth and I became very depressed as I didn’t know who I was and was not allowed to be ‘me’.

I left home at 19 and met an ‘older’ man who was divorced (10 years older than me). This was my parents worst nightmare and they regularly wrote me letters whilst I was at university begging me to see the error of my ways and how this was terrible situation this was etc.

fast forward to now. I’m in my 40’s, married the man I met at 19, have children together and am happy with who I am and the choices I made. My mum has since passed away and my Dad has moved away and remarried a lady from the same religion. Her children (all about my age) all follow this religion and they are one big happy family.

the reason I feel confused is I feel my parents were very controlling and took all my confidence away. I don’t feel any bitterness or resentment because I’m finally very happy- but I feel this is in spite of them not because of them.

my other close family members (siblings) think I’m over reacting and generally being overly sensitive. I therefore feel my feelings yet again are dismissed and I am somehow not grateful for the my upbringing which instilled discipline and strong values.

just really confused- am I ungrateful or unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. It sounds like you are starting to make sense of your childhood experiences and some of your recollections are unsettling and upsetting for you. This is very natural, but I wonder if some therapy or counselling would help you to piece all of this together in a safe, supportive space.

Neither you nor your siblings are wrong. Some parents/ parenting suit certain kids, and not others. I will have liked the version of my parents that my siblings got and wild have loved to have had their reactions to their parenting, but I didn’t. It didn’t suit me.

its all too easy for them to dismiss you, because it was fine for them. In this situation, if they say ‘ oh it was fineE’ or something like that, I would say ‘ I understand that it was fine for you, but it wasn’t for me.’ Then change the subject. You have told them your truth.

Thank you. I have considered some kind of counselling but I just don’t think I could sit and talk to someone. I’ve never really shown my feelings and find the thought of speaking about it a bit daunting

No, you are not unreasonable at all. You were expected to conform to a set of beliefs and made to feel guilty for deciding it wasn't for you. I did not experience that, so cannot properly understand how it made you feel, but I can completely see that your childhood experiences would have made you feel insecure and doubting yourself and your own sense of worth.

As a previous poster said, some talking therapy/counselling might be helpful to talk it through if you feel ready.

You can take some positives from your childhood, you were taught right from wrong, respect and other qualities that stand everyone in good stead, so it's not a completely negative experience if you look at it that way.

Perhaps if you can reach a place of acceptance, it was what it was, but I am a good, strong person in spite of (and also because of?) my childhood, you might find that helps.

A counsellor is trained to help you and let you take time to open up. It can be so lightening and healthy. Please do consider it and you can always leave if it’s not for you.

I have no idea if it would help but have you seen "Everyone else burns?". Comedy about religious family life very similar to yours. It might somehow help you to see how utterly ridiculous bits of your upbringing were as it very definitely pokes a stick at these ways of life. As a church going Christian I flippin loved it, (even though some bits did sting a little!).