Feeling let down.

[overthinker82]

Hi there

First time posting my story so please bear with me.

I’m not really sure why I think writing out my story on the internet to a virtual room of strangers is a good idea. Maybe I’m hoping to find it cathartic, to make sense of it, to get an objective opinion. Who knows.

Here goes. I’m a 40 year old mum of two wonderful young children, got a great career and fortunate enough to be able to provide a wonderful life for my husband and children.

But I’m lonely and those outside of my household don’t seem to want to spend any time with me / don’t care and I’m trying to make sense of why.

A bit about my back story.

I’ve not seen my mum since I was a very young child as I was in the middle of a very bitter, twister divorce battle and quite frankly my mum was not a very nice person. I knew from an early age that she wasn’t pleasant to me, but it was only until I had my own children that I reflected on how cruel to her children she actually was.

My Dad is just bat sh*t crazy and has got a very nasty tongue - I was told I would never achieve anything / wasn’t good enough etc etc. Anyway as I grew into a young adult, it was clear our values were not aligned and so we parted ways.

Neither my mum nor my dad have ever met any of my children. They’re no worse off for it though as they’ve not known any different and they’re both happy children.

Since parting ways with my mum and dad, for many years it was just my sister and I. My sister and I weren’t that close though but we we grew closer when our children were born. It was good to see her more for a couple of years, but I always got the nagging feeling I was being taken for granted. I would do things for her, make her feel special etc and I was babysitting her daughter almost every weekend so she could go drinking with her friends. During the latter stages of our relationship she never seemed to put much effort in and was always on her phone when she visited the children and I - no effort to make any conversation with us etc.

Then one day a few years ago it came to a bit of a head when my birthday came and went and I got no birthday wishes / card. She knows birthdays are particularly painful for me because the distinct lack of birthday messages from anyone on my side of the family reminds me of what I haven’t got. So to not have the one remaining family member I’ve got contact with make zero effort hurt. A lot.

A few days passed, and I didn’t say anything and tried to bury the feeling. Then I saw a social media post that my sister had been tagged in. Essentially a friend who she had started hanging around with a few months prior shared a lovely bouquet of flowers and champagne and thanked my sister publicly for making her birthday special. That really stung. I don’t want gifts, or fancy champagne, I would have just really appreciated a ‘Happy Birthday’ and a card from her and my young niece.

Once I had seen the social media post, the hurtful feeling went up a notch so instead of dwelling on it I decided to message my sister explaining how I felt and I got the response of ‘get a life’. It was that point I went no contact with her. I could no longer handle the one sided nature of the relationship and feeling disappointed / hurt regularly.

I still send my niece birthday/ Christmas cards and presents as I do miss her, but my two children don’t get anything from my sister now - no cards, no birthday wishes which I think is cruel. They do ask about my sister and their cousin and I have to try and change the subject. I feel so guilty.

If you’re still reading, thank you. I know it’s a loooong story!

Whilst I’ve got no family on my side, my husband has family - a sister. His sister recently celebrated a big milestone birthday and I tried really hard to make it special for her. I spent weeks and weeks finding her sentimental gifts and gifts that I thought she would really enjoy. I made it into a lovely hamper, it took me ages. Anyway I presented her with her gifts and I got a lukewarm reception. No idea why but I tried not to read anything into it.

Then last week I saw on social media that she held a get together to celebrate her birthday with some friends at her house and my husband and I weren’t invited. I also think she’s started to edit her social media stories so I can’t see them as they’ve all of a suddenly disappeared (but that might be me overanalysing thing). I said to my husband that I found the no invite quite hurtful given all the effort that we put it into her birthday but my husband’s standard response is ‘don’t let it bother you, because it doesn’t bother him’.

My friend also recently went through a really bad break up (he had an affair whilst she was grieving the loss of her mum and dad) and I was really worried about her. I would message checking in on her and offered to go round and cheer her up, take her out if she wanted to get out of the house etc. She never took me up on the offers. I see her now going out with friends (and it’s wonderful that she’s turned a corner) but not once as she thought about reaching out and asking if I fancied going out. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.

So I’m at a point now where I’m doing a lot of internal reflection to figure all of this out as I’m feeling incredibly lonely.

Do some people not consider how their actions (or lack of) impact others? Or are my expectations on how people should be treated too high? Or is it simply I’m not just not very likeable?

I do try and be kind, generous and thoughtful and I like to think I’m approachable. So what am I doing wrong?

Am I over thinking things? And any tips please for feeling less lonely and not so hurt.

Thanks for reading this far.

Hope you’re all having a lovely weekend.

xx

Couldn’t leave you hanging even though I have no advice to offer. You sound likeable to me.

You probably try too hard and expect too much. Your DH has got the right idea. Don't let it bother you. I'm sure you're very likeable but maybe other people aren't?

Do some people not consider how their actions (or lack of) impact others? Or are my expectations on how people should be treated too high?

Yes and yes. I think you may well be trying too hard, which is understandable due to your childhood, but people tend not to find it appealing. I've recognised this in myself and try not to do it any more.

Your description of the effort you put into your SIL's gift definitely sounds just too much, and this can come across as intense and pushes people away. It also increases your expectations of the recipient, even if not consciously. So if they don't respond, it's extra hurtful.

Have you read anything on relationship dynamics, codependency etc?

I don't know if it resonates but my parents were toxic and probably due to that massive rejection from my own parents, when I was a lot younger I used to think I had to do things for other people in order for me to be "likeable" and it actually put people off.

This is going to be a little blunt but you're going overboard as a people pleaser trying to make people like you by doing loads of OTT stuff like "spending weeks finding a gift" for a SIL you're not that close to. It makes people feel awkward/uncomfortable. Sorry. And then you expect SIL or your friend to reciprocate but they never asked you to go out of your way in the first place and don't view you as a close friend/relative. Your sister sounds like she took advantage of you but the other examples sound like you were too intense and did things in the hope of getting a reciprocation that the other person didn't feel obliged to give you.

I think the best thing would be for you to find a hobby or group where you can meet new people and take it slow. Don't jump straight into a friendship. Let people come to you and see if you hit it off with anyone. Widen your circle. Gradually after a few months add another hobby/group and grow your circle again, meet more new people, and keep doing this until you have a full and fulfilling life, and let the friendships naturally blossom from there.

I couldn’t read and run because I typed out a kind of similar post on here some time ago. Although I have a relationship with my parents in terms of friendships I usually am the person left feeling hurt and let down. Similarly to you I would like to think I am kind and thoughtful and also a solid friend but people just take the piss and I think that’s the trouble! The nicer and kinder you are the more you get burnt! I, like you, try to do nice things and make people feel special and often they will just act up. I am at the point now where I think you know what I can’t be bothered to give my kindness to anyone else. I have shut my heart off because I feel I have to. I had some therapy recently and the therapist said to me I get hurt because I have expectations of people and when they don’t meet them it’s painful. Which I guess is true! There are good people out there who are likeminded though so hopefully some day we will find them! But to me you sound a lovely likeable person xx

You sound lovely and likeable unfortunately not everyone can see the good in another until it’s too late

I’m very much like you. I spent a lifetime trying to be a good a friend (the shoulder to cry on, the one who picks up the pieces) and realised that the same effort isn’t given back to me.

I’ve also tried to be a really good aunty. I’m not close to one of my siblings but always make sure that DN gets birthday & xmas presents (once DSis was actually offended that I didn’t give the present ‘the right way’).

None of my siblings even acknowledged my DC 1st birthday. I was so hurt!

I am very lonely and have accepted that I’m just not a very likeable / fun person. I’m trying to focus inwards and do things I enjoy, be a good mum and progress in my career.

I’m also coming to terms with that just because I make an effort with others, not to expect it back. Maybe I’m just not their cuppa tea? I’m not intentionally out there hurting people so it’s really not my problem.

Some tips:

• stop / cut down on social media (closing my FB account was the best thing I did)
• pull back from others and focus on treating yourself / pick up a hobby you’re interested in
• you seem to have had quite a hard childhood, so if you feel up to it, you may like to consider some therapy if you haven’t already. A therapist can also help with internal reflection.

All the best to you. You sound like a wonderful aunty and friend and it’s their loss.

You sound lovely OP. Honestly, a lot of people are selfish assholes. Harden up a bit and just suit yourself. I have friends but I've stopped putting myself out for people because I was tired of being let down. In October I'm taking myself away to a hotel for a relax and a spa break. Don't need anyone else involved- just pleasing myself. Stop running around after dickheads.

Honestly it's not you, I could have wrote your post (though I'm not successful career wise).

I think they problem with people like us is we put too much heart into things because of our crap upbringings, I've recently stepped back and focusing on my DH and DCs and feel happier in the sense I'm not over analysing other people.

I figured my twin didn't want much to do with me after our parents died because he could end that part of his life and be the new him without reminders of the past.

Just do you and find what makes you happy.

Can I recommend for you a Youtube channel called "The Crappy Childhood Fairy". You are not alone, what you describe in terms of relationship dynamics is common for people with childhood trauma.

Do things that make you smile and don't expect anything in return.

You sound like you are a very
thoughtful person and all you need to do is learn to let-go...

You know how when you see a comedian on stage who isn't funny it makes you cringe, and the harder he tries, the worse he bombs and the more awkward it is?

Well it's like that with people who are desperately trying to be liked. It makes people uneasy and uncomfortable. They don't want to spend time with them, even though they've made an excessive hamper etc.

Your birth family is cruel. Focus on the family you have and on meeting new people through a hobby or something.

It all sounds very painful. Unequal friendships are awful and can really drag you down. Try to find new activities and distractions to help you move on from this.

I don't think you are unlikable. I think that you go the extra mile for unworthy candidates... also if you've noticed their lack of enthusiasm in the past - its that they just don't bother about many people. Not sure about your Sister. She sounds like she has her own problems, but she's not adult enough or kind enough to discuss it with you.

The SIL was downright rude and stop bothering doing anything for her. She will soon notice when she wants something.

Its not your job to bolster the egos of these people who seem to be dyed in the wool cfs. There are people out there who are not.

I think that you should make a plan for next weekend. Book in an outing. Get a new outfit. Cook something special. Just celebrate yourself. Make a fuss of yourself.

Rope in your DH and say that if it wants it not to "bother" you. He can join in the spoiling weekend.

See much much less of these people that bring you down. I expect they will notice when it is their birthday.

Honestly, you expect too much. That is the bottom line. If you want to do something for someone to make them happy, do it but expect nothing in return.

If you're helping someone and expecting something in return, you're doing business not kindness. Also remember not everyone will have the same heart as you. That is a good rule of thumb to live by because otherwise you will be let down again and again.

Maybe focus on your self and your own family and do something nice for yourselves. Let the rest go.

Thanks all for your words of advice - plenty of food for thought.

It’s interesting that a few people have said I do the things I do to be liked. I don’t automatically recognise that in me (but also know I could be blocking that feeling out). I also don’t jump in feet first and go chasing anyone / cap in hand for friendship… I’m actually really cautious about who I trust (again, probably childhood influence there).

I believe I do things to make others feel good / cared for but can accept that might sometimes be a bit OTT. The SIL hamper was because it was a very big milestone and she was having a really crap time of it.
I don’t do it every birthday! Usually a card and a small gift.

And I was genuinely worried about my friends well-being and wanted to let her know she didn’t have to go through things alone.

I don’t expect any grand gestures or heartfelt speeches in return for what I do. But it does make me feel hurt to continue to be excluded.

I think I’ll take the advice about stepping back from social media and just step back from those who make me feel the way that I do.

I’ll concentrate on my DH and DC and finding a hobby/activity for myself and if I come across likeminded people along the way, then that’s wonderful.

Thanks again.

Op you sound lovely and well intentioned. I agree with others that you probably try too hard. My motto is don't give/ do things with the expectation of getting things in return. Otherwise you'll always be disappointed.

I think the people around you probably recognise your weak points and have taken advantage of you.

Try working on your confidence, get out and meet new people who like you for you and not what you can do for them.

I know why you mean, OP. I wasn't consciously trying to be liked or get the same back, but somehow it sets up an unhealthy dynamic. I couldn't understand that people would just take and take if they weren't prepared to reciprocate in even the smallest way. But they often do. So you have to reassess your own boundaries and set them, as others (understandably) won't do it for you.

I too have had similar experiences and have drifted away from those individuals. Doesn't help with the loneliness but just means I use more time and energy trying to give more to those that love me. I too have noticed that those kinds of people mostly care about themselves and a select few. I used to spend more money on others than I did on myself which is what I noticed first so I've spent years trying to change this. Not much you can do. The world is full of people who need help and love, maybe giving to charity or sponsoring an orphan or something to divert your love may help give you some ease xxx

OP you sound like such a lovely person.
You just have the wrong people around you.
Its so hard when you feel left out and like nobody cares or likes you.

I could have written most of what you have.
I have a lovely husband and sons.....but they really are all I do have.
If it wasnt for them I wouldnt be here.

I think I have friends but if I meet up with them they tell me all about the things they have done with their best friends.
All I get is a quick pop in and a cuppa at my house,some of my small handfull of friends I have never even been in their homes.

I have a hobby I do once a week with a friend for last 5 years.It was something to look forward too....then her best friend decided to tag along a few months ago.
Its not the same anymore.
I really need to find a past time and try make some new friends...but its so hard when you feel so low.

I wish you well OP.
I hope you get to meet some lovely people who appreciate how lovely you are x

I agree with PP that you haven't been remotely OTT, not at all 'desperate to be liked' but just really thoughtful and kind.

You just unfortunately have shit people in your life that don't appreciate that thought. Maybe they've always had lots of care/attention so it's just taken for granted?

Keep being yourself. I'd hugely appreciate a friend like you.

I understand how you feel. NC with my abusive parents, my sister also took advantage of me continuously and am NC with her and I’ve also felt similar feelings to you with friends.
I consider myself caring and thoughtful, but it’s never appreciated or reciprocated.
I felt exactly how you say you feel. I took a step back from people who were treating me badly and focused more on myself and my own family. It’s funny because when I was putting everyone else before myself and doing thoughtful things it was never noticed. Now I no longer do that for the people who have treated me like crap, they’ve noticed that! They call me ‘selfish’ now.
What you realise when you pull away from people who treat you this way is that nothing you do is ever right in their eyes. I used to worry what they thought, but when you realise they don’t care even slightly what you think, you will learn you are better off without them. You just need to find like-minded people, that part is much harder.