A long one related to life

[Dazedandmore]

I have recently been massively struggling mentally and I want to reach out and ask if I'm ungrateful idiot or just a normal human being.

I lost my dad exactly 1 year ago. Very suddenly, he was well and then suddenly started falling and getting Dizzy, a scan revealed brain tumor and a week later he was gone ... on my moms 70th birthday. We are a very close family so I still miss him so much I'm not even 40 as well so I feel like I lost him too early. I miss him every day and this time of year even more. I can't really share my grief with anyone. My mom has a lot going on and my husband just can't understand it as he is not close to his parents.

I also was made redundant 2 months ago. This came as a huge shock. I have worked really hard, I was recently promoted, always on top performance wise. I'm the only person affected in my team which made me so sad. It was badly handled by my manager and made me crumble. I'm still working there which makes it worse I asked to be let go they refused.

As a result i recently had some health issues so my gp referred me to therapy but all therapists are busy until August and referred me to gastro as all the stressed has caused some bowel issues for me. I'm now convinced i must have something really bad so have also health anxiety.

I feel overwhelmed every day I'm sad I'm down.

I, however, feel so ungrateful and want to feel happy. I have a beautiful family, they love me so much. My husband is amazing. Very supportive, very loving, very caring.

Is it normal to feel like shit. Am I exaggerating and overreacting. Should I suck it up and be happy and cheery and positive?

Well quite apart from all the other stuff you are still grieving your dad, a year is nothing for such a significant loss. Add in the loss of your job unexpectedly when it was going well before and new health issues and no, it's not one bit surprising you are struggling. Are you in the US OP? Because the therapy 'system' is different there. But honestly some counselling or therapy would be great if you can access it.
In the UK there's a therapeutic agency called Cruise that offers grief counselling, might be a place to start if you have a local one.
I wish you the best of luck, and I'm sorry for your loss, too.

Thank you! I'm based in the UK. Will look it up!

sorry for your loss.
A lot of things have happened unexpectedly. it’s like your usual world is crumbling into pieces so I’m not surprised that you are feeling like this.
By the way August is really close so I wouldn’t focus much on this, they treat it as non urgent issue and in a way it’s s good sign.

Ooops, I always forget it's Cruse, not Cruise!

Home - Cruse Bereavement Support

I’m so sorry to hear of all the things that have happened to you @Dazedandmore .
Grief is such a powerful emotion and understandable is felt long after a loved one has passed. I think the key is that you have said you have no one to share it with. You really need someone to talk to. There are lots of organisations you could contact to request some bereavement counselling and they may be able to see you quicker than through your GP.
The second most important thing is that you don’t beat yourself up about how you ‘should be’ feeling. On top of losing your dad, you’ve lost your job and have health issues. That’s a lot for anyone. You’re entitled to feel however you feel. Get help. Be kind to yourself. I hope things improve for you soon. 💐

Agree with PP's - grief can knock you off your feet, colour all else that happens & can take some time to "rebalance".
Lost my dad almost 4 years ago & soon realised that his age (elderly) made no difference whatsoever. It was STILL emotionally devastating & sad beyond measure. In the few months after, youngest DS went to uni/I separated from DH because I thought, If I can "survive" losing dad, I can survive "losing"
DH & sort out some long-standing crap.
At times, I felt like I was "losing my mind" - could not imagine EVER feeling positive or joyous again... Of course, grief can be COMPLETELY different for all, regardless of the circumstances/ages/depth of love etc

But I DID "learn" to do it my way/not care about others "timelines" for me to recover some equilibrium.

You're in very early days I think & it'll all take time. Apparently, no one should make "big" decisions during the first year after a loss (I did - but I'd do the same again)

The organisations where I found some recognition & eventually comfort were :

https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/untangle-grief/id1617596956

https://linktr.ee/happygrieving?fbclid=PAAaYU0YJ-vRqc5UeAaAYWp4t-8YZ314IFG2w6D5K1imLD5uJLAFqkTTUinMaemmAQsHVVBlNgD1ZsPrSkcGxE6o6yFMfKQsCDr1-twRvhZq-ydQrbYY_y6tc5VREblllOE

https://instagram.com/marklemonofficial?igshid=Y2IzZGU1MTFhOQ==

Maybe one of them will resonate with you - they just made me feel "accepted" for questioning everything...

Good Luck

Thank you all! And for sharing resources I will have a look at them!

@Mother87, You are absolutely right. It doesn't help thinking they were elderly and they obviously weren't getting younger or healthier. I just miss such trivial things and can't get out of my head some things from when I last saw him. And well done for initiating this change. I actually thing its a good time for change as you sort of need distraction so change always brings that. I worked like crazy last year to get my promotion. I sort of had decided I needed to make him proud of me. Then they promoted me and I was over the moon until 6 months later they said they no longer need this role and are eliminating it ... writing it down maybe if I did nothing I would have still had a job lol.

Anyways! Appreciate the advise and shared experience.

On the note that it's an issue I don't share. I come from a family where we always seem happy, never complain etc. At my dad's funeral we didn't cry. We smiled and were looking like nothing happened. It baffled me. So, this is why I sort of think im some sort of a pussy and need to get a grip and just get on with things! Apparently, I'm wrong ...

I joined MN so that I could post a reply, as your message made me well up. Sorry it's so late in the day; I've been juggling typing with looking after my toddler.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad died from brain cancer 14 years ago and it was awful. We had much longer to come to terms with the diagnosis before he passed though. A week is so quick. It must've been such an enormous shock for you. Yes, it's normal to feel down, especially on the anniversary. And, as another poster said, a year is not that long really. You're still grieving and it will still be very raw.

I was 29 at the time and you're young too. I know it's incredibly unfair, and it's hard to find people of your own age who can empathise, and hard to see older people who still have their parents.

It sounds like your work have been extremely unsupportive and insensitive. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that on top of your grief.

I actually have IBS, which may or may not be what you have. It's good that your GP has referred you to gastro to rule out anything more serious. Hopefully you will be seen quickly and they will be able to put your mind at rest. It's understandable that you're worried though. And during periods of stress, I worry that I've got something more serious too.

And you don't sound ungrateful at all. It's hard to feel positive emotions when you're grieving and I'm not sure it would be healthy to try and cover up how you're really feeling for any length of time. It's frustrating trying to get an appointment with a therapist but it's good that you are on the waiting list now.

It sounds like you need more support now while you are waiting to see a therapist and possibly afterwards too. Cruse is a good idea that some people have already suggested. Some other ideas: Do you have any siblings you can talk to? Or any friends or work colleagues who have lost a parent? Was your Dad in touch with the hospice at all - they might have a bereavement counsellor? I hope your GP is keeping an eye on your wellbeing by giving you some extra appointments, as mine did? Some brain tumour charities offer support groups or helplines, and I think some even offer counselling. I googled and found Yorkshire's Brain Tumour Charity, which seems to have an online bereavement support group and they've also set up an in-person bereavement support group which meets in Wakefield (don't know if that is near you or not). I found it really helpful to talk to a friend who had also lost her parent around the same time, so you might find it helpful to meet others who are going through a similar experience. I felt that others didn't really get it usually.

I'm not sure how helpful I've been, but I just noticed some parallels with my own experience and I didn't want you to feel alone or abnormal. Everyone reacts differently to grief and I went through a whole spectrum of emotions. It's all normal. Sending you hugs and hoping you find the above helpful in some way.

Xx

@CarrotsAndCheese, I think I held my breath the whole time I was reading your post and tried not to cry.

I'm so sorry this happened to you at such a young age. It must have been so traumatic!

And, yes, I compare myself to others and just feel horrible. I have a colleague who is around 50 and he lost his granddad last month and everyone was so saddened for him and I was like ... sure buddy I'm heartbroken for you. And I know how horrible and judgemental that is but when you are in my shoes it is difficult to escape these thoughts.

I have symptoms of IBS as well so really hope it's nothing worse than that but we will see. Stress really does things to our bodies.

I have a brother but he really keeps his emotions to himself and is not a person I can open up to. We haven't spoken about my dad for a year.

I do however know someone who lost their dad days after mine so I have been tempted to reach out. I met them at uni and have seen them just a couple of times but have them on Facebook. Seems like it maybe a good idea to connect with her and see how she is doing.

Now I feel even sadder I have been trying so hard to pretend nothing is wrong that after reading these comments I realise everything is wrong and I just need to deal with it more adequately.