To let others make me feel like shit?

[Petmis]

Out for dinner with 20 or so colleagues tonight.

Ended up sitting opposite someone who always acts nice as pie with me.

Tonight she showed her true colours, which I had suspected were under the surface.

There were plenty of sly digs. She took my bag and started to go through it. She took out my make up and laughed about it. She took out my tampons and laughed about them too.

Now I’m home and can’t stop crying. She was really immature and clearly enjoyed making me feel uncomfortable. Why am I letting her make me feel like shit? How can I stop it?

I agree with this, 100%

'hi [name], are you ok? I thought you weren't yourself the other night, bit weird when you started going through my bag. Anyway, here is the employee support phone number if you do need anyone to talk to'.

Totally rise above it.

On another note, wtf? Even my (primary age) DC know not to rummage around in someone's handbag without permission!

I was scared someone would do that when I was 13 and had sanitary towels in my bag at school but this is a grown woman! A very strange grown woman.

Don't give her permission to make you feel bad! She was the one looking deranged rummaging through a colleague s bag and making idiot remarks.

I m sure nobody at that table thought she was funny and they ll all think she's the odd one at work and the one to avoid.

If she acts like that at work report to HR for bullying.

Maybe understanding why you reacted like this might help?

When something stressful or threatening happens, we can go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode..
It's common because of the way we are socialised for women to go into fawn mode and laugh along and pretend to shrug it off. (Or freeze and not know what to do).
Her behaviour was so far out of the range of normal that of course you'd be additionally thrown.

Catching yourself fawning (playing along) is really tricky and the first step to changing your reaction. We are social animals and we want to avoid confrontation. It's absolutely no reflection on you, just the best course of action you could make in a very wierd situation.

Even catching it is so difficult because it will reflect a lifetime of learnt behaviour. Once you get better at noticing you are doing it in the moment, you can have a few steps that you've decided on in advance that you can follow to change your reaction.

You should have snatched your bag back the second she picked it up, not just sat there and watched her go through it!!

OMG.. She sounds horrible. You already had a bad vibe about her, and that night she didn't prove you wrong.

I would suspect that she has always been secretly jealous of you and that was her opportunity to put you down... (disguised as abit of humour of course).

I think I would have been taken off guard and shocked by this behaviour. Nobody expects this behaviour. I think you should take this to HR because this was still connected to work.

To be honest, her behaviour does seem to have narcissistic undertones. Going in someone else's bag shows a complete lack of 'boundaries' ,'entitlement' and 'arrogance'.

Laughing at you shows lack of empathy. Twisting the whole situation to make it seem like a joke is highly manipulative. These are narcissistic traits.

It's not a joke, she was clearly belittling you.

Putting you down would make herself feel better and she could gloat at your reaction.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is disliked by most people where you work.

I have met people like this over the years. I work with someone who has a similar nature. I avoid interacting with them as much as possible.

Even if you confronted this person about this, I reckon they would just deny, minimise and blame, or make a big issue about something you did, or your tone of voice in even speaking to them about it, just to avoid accountability. This has been my experience with people like this.

I think you need to understand why her appalling behaviour is making you feel so bad.

Did you feel humiliated? Were you upset by her being unpleasant when you have done nothing to deserve it? Were you worried other people would be laughing at you and with her? Are you angry with yourself for saying nothing at the time? That's easily done because lost of us would feel taken by surprise at such juvenile behaviour from an adult. When you understand why you feel so upset it will help you understand how illogical it is for you to feel bad because someone else behaves like a dick.

Everyone else at that table would have felt embarrassed for her. Going through someone else's bag is unacceptable. Mocking the contents is unacceptable. Her behaviour is a reflection of her own insecurities but that is not your problem. Her behaviour does not reflect badly on you.

There are plenty of smart put downs you could use but I think it best to be clear, calm and firm. In last night's situation I would have asked for my bag back as soon as she started going through its contents.

The next time she behaves badly call her out, tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and you are not prepared to put up with what is effectively bullying. Be firm and confident, bullies shrink when challenged. Let her know what the consequences will be if she continues and be prepared to follow through. If you are thinking of reporting her in a work environment then make sure you have made a note of the unacceptable behaviour.

She obviously has some kind of problem - drink? Hidden lack of confidence? Been bullied in the past? My concern is that she may be the type of person who needs a victim and, at the moment, that’s you. I think that you should do something to nip it in the bud such as talking to
her calmly with at least one witness who was there last night of discussing the incident
with management. Whatever you do don’t resort to tit-for-tat because that will just be lowering yourself to her level and leaving yourself equally open to discipline.

I would actually say this sort of person (exhibits lots of narcissistic traits) is actually often surprisingly popular. As the OP says, when she wants to be she can be nice as pie - no doubt this is particularly the case with anyone she wants to impress or that she thinks could be useful to her in any way. However she'll happily throw people she considers 'weak' and of no use to her under the bus to make her look 'amusing' - and because she knows they won't make a fuss. But if you did make a fuss OP then the chances are she'd act all hurt and say she was just playing and thought you didn't mind and somehow manage to make herself into the victim anyway.

It's sounds like she's shallow, sly, selfish, and completely lacking in empathy OP, I'd guess that she'll also never take responsibility or see that she's done anything wrong by going through your bag - and anything you say to her will be used against you in one way or another either to make you look crazy or that you've been horrible to her. If no one stood up for you at the table then you can't assume they will take your reasonable side over hers I don't think. Just be careful if you do decide to call her out on it.

I don't know what the answer is apart from to avoid her completely. Who would want to go out with someone that horrible and a bunch of other people who didn't apparently see her behaviour as a problem anyway?

That's a ridiculous way to behave. I don't know if you could flag up to your manager? To be honest I can't see anyone finding that funny at all. It reflects badly on her I would say.