AIBU to try to hide my pregnancy until after close family wedding?

[sisbump]

My brother and (new!) sister in law are getting married in around 8 weeks time. I'm one of her bridesmaids, and am attending / organising a hen do in Newcastle in a couple of weeks time and also a long 'hen weekend' in Marbella in a few weeks.

I've just had a very faint - but visible! - blue positive line on an early pregnancy test, so think I am about 4 weeks pregnant.

I love my brother and his bride to bits, and do not in any way want to steal their thunder or detract from their wedding and celebrations!!

WIBU to not tell anyone about my pregnancy until a few weeks after their wedding? And if so, how do I manage that while also not drinking at the hen events and also the wedding itself, and also with my dress / alterations?!

Or is it better to tell just a few select people (parents, bro and sis in law) as early as possible to try to get the surprise out of the way a few weeks before the wedding, and so they don't question my alcohol intake? What I don't want is to increase distraction by causing speculation.

It's definitely a surprise pregnancy, so won't be expected by anyone (as it wasn't expected by me!!) And obviously not ideal timing. Though I am of course delighted to be having another baby <3

I see no reason to hide it, a bride and groom should have the wedding they want but normal life does not stop because 2 people are getting married

I would tell when you want or just not mention it and if people ask be honest

Congratulations on your baby.

However, It's too easy for something to go wrong. I wouldn't be telling anyone other that your partner until after any 12 week scan.

If anyone asked why you are not drinking day you are taking antibiotics for a tooth infection. Simples.

just tell them

and dont use the antibiotics excuse, its usually a giveaway for being pregnant

Just tell a select few and ask them not to tell others. You can’t really use the antibiotics excuse for multiple weekends. Anyone can tell if and when they want to, but I’ve been telling people earlier than 12 weeks - If something went wrong I’d still want them to know so I could have support

I would discount the ‘stealing thunder’ thing — only in the weirder bits of Mn do people getting married feel that they need to occupy 100% of the headspace of everyone invited for a couple of months either side of the wedding. A pregnancy, especially if you already have children, isn’t going to set the town on fire or merit more than a ‘Congratulations!’.

In your shoes I would try to consider what you would actually want to do in terms of telling people if there were no wedding (who would you normally tell and when etc), versus the logistics of the bridesmaid dress fittings and hen stuff.

Basically, is it more appealing from your pov to tell people earlier so you’re not having to concoct elaborate lies about antibiotics on the hen, or explain why your dress may need to be let out, or are you prepared to deal with that stuff so as not to tell people earlier than you’d like?

'stealing their thunder' would, I think, be announcing your Big News on their wedding day, or using the day to really flaunt your pregnant-ness. My personal take would be to tell a select few if you're comfortable with it. I know people say at this early stage you might lose the pregnancy, but surely that's all the more reason to tell! If you had a miscarriage and bottled that up I'm sure they'd feel terrible.
As long as you're handling it discreetly and not letting it affect them being the centre of attention at their wedding, I don't think you would be wrong to tell them. It's probably better to do so soon so that it can become old news to them by the wedding day.

Many congrats OP. I am sure people will guess, if you aren’t drinking, assuming you usually drink alcohol.

I’d tell them and your parents but ask to keep quiet as you don’t want it public knowledge until after 12 weeks.
I assume you are close to brother and sil of being her bridesmaid. I assume you’d be close enough to share if you do miscarry. If worse happens and you have a complication abroad I’d want sil to know as she’d be with you at hospital eg ectopic.
I don’t think there’s any hiding not drinking on 2 hen dos.

This - tell the bride and groom in a "we plan on keeping this very very quiet as its early days and we don't want to distract from the wedding but thought that you should know"

I was pregnant on my sister's wedding day, around 11 weeks. I was so good at hiding it no one knew and I didn't really have a bump, I even managed to change my food menu on the day as it was things I couldn't have.

I was lucky my sister didn't mind but she's my sister, your sister in law might be upset of it accidentally comes out on her big day. It depends how well you can hide it I guess.

I agree with this. I tell too because I'd be telling if something went wrong anyway. I feel sp rubbish during the first trimester that I'd find it difficult to hide anyway.

Tell if you normally would, it's 8 weeks before the wedding and if you were accused of stealing someone's thunder they'd be being ridiculous!

Congratulations ❤️

So for my first DC I told my parents and bro and SIL as soon as I found out, as I would have wanted them to know if something had gone wrong.

I think maybe telling early and having it as old news is maybe better than it coming out either at the hen or the wedding.

I just feel so guilty for ending up in this position.

@TisforTucan how did you manage that?! I'm tempted to tell the other bridesmaids for the first hen. It's a rented villa (love island theme lol) so will be self poured drinks - could maybe take some non-alcoholic prosecco and pretend, with some accomplices. Not sure if that idea is better or worse!

I think it's better telling early so it's out there and not big news by the time the wedding comes around. People are always rubbish at hiding pregnancies, and you show earlier with the second generally, so you might upstage the wedding by causing everyone to keep guessing about if you are pregnant or not. Assuming of course they are interested.

It will never work. And it will just fuel speculation.

It's totally up to you whether you want to announce your pregnancy at this early stage or not.

Depending on what sort of hen do has been planned, it might be difficult to hide the fact that you're not drinking. If you decide to tell your SIL and aren't close to the other women going, you could just say you don't drink alcohol or you could tell them you're pregnant on the basis that they don't care anyway. One of my friends announced that she was pregnant at my hen do. She didn't know any of the other hens. It was a non issue.

At the wedding itself, I'm not sure anyone would even notice if you aren't drinking, unless you're sitting near someone particularly nosy.

I've always told friends about my pregnancies early on anyway, on the grounds that if I had a miscarriage I would want their support. I don't believe in this rule that you should wait until the 12 week scan. But if you do want to keep it private or just tell a select few, that's fine too. Hopefully even if people have their suspicions they won't say anything.

Also, I would say that unless your brother and SIL are bride and groom zillas, they're unlikely to mind if the news about your pregnancy comes out at the hen do or the wedding. I don't think it would be stealing anyone's thunder unless you do something mental like clinking your spoon on your wine glass immediately after the groom's speech and saying, "I'm pregnant, everybody!" The day will still be all about them and not you.

Congratulations!!! :) I was in a similar situation to you - 8 weeks pregnant at my BIL & SIL wedding last year where I was a bridesmaid and didn't want to steal any kind of thunder! Hen party was weekend before the wedding. At the hen party I had bought cocktail cans - I'd sneakily empty the content of the can down the sink and fill with water! At the wedding - I drank soda water and lime and said I was drinking g&t.
Once I announced my pregnancy a month later after my 12 week - everyone was shocked🤣
Definitely is doable to keep it a secret but you have to do what is right for you!

Just tell them. You'll never be able to hide it. Antibiotics pretty much screams "I'm pregnant" louder than actually saying "I'm pregnant". Fake drinks will totally get spotted.

This stealing thunder stuff is daft. Unless you're planning to interrupt the groom's speech to announce it to the entire room via the medium of song then you're not stealing anyone's thunder.

I told people at weddings before. Very low-key

• Why aren't you drinking

• Oh, I'm pregnant. Early days though so nothing guaranteed
• Oh cool. Congratulations.

Conversation moves on at that point. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

Fortunately I got pregnant after the hen but we were in a barn conversion for a long weekend and we were all so trashed I doubt anyone would of noticed lol. You could get tinned non alcoholic drinks? No one will notice after they've had 2 or 3 so you can slowly drink, I think it's more obvious to yourself as you are worrying.

I did have a sip of bucks fizz and walked around with it on the day so no one suspected.

I know it's hard because it's early and you don't want to announce yet, all you have to do is be seen with alcohol and swap it for lemonade or water.