New Sports Coach’s Behaviour Causing Concern

[Anxmatmum]

My child has just changed sport’s coach after the other left. The old coach was fantastic and very supportive. The new coach immediately drew my attention. My child isn’t the best at the sport and the new coach chose my child and friend to demonstrate at the front of the class. I thought, oh, they’ll enjoy that! But then throughout the session the new coach seemed to be quite ‘hands on’ with the students. Instead of giving verbal guidance, they were giving more physical ‘hands on’ guidance. Adjusting physically. They seemed to, in that session, concentrate at lot of their attention on my child’s friend: kept adjusting their form, with their hands. Seemed much more hands on than the other coaches with their groups.

I don’t normally pay much attention to what’s going on because my child doesn’t like me to watch, so I don’t tell them off for not paying attention, mostly I think! Also, I use it as a bit of a social session with other parents.

Something kept me watching, maybe because of the change of coach. I remember watching the first couple of sessions with the last coach, but then was satisfied with them and my child was happy and seemed to have taken to old coach.

Speaking at bedtime, after the first session, as they do 😂, my child told me the new coach asked about where my child comes from, if they were British? We do come from another area, so thought perhaps they’d picked up the accent. Then my child said it turns out the coach is from the same area as where I grew up. However, instead of it making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I’m left with the feeling that there’s something not right.

I feel like this person is a wrong’un! I’m having a debate with myself, but only a suspicion. When you are born and grow up in a community, you get to know it pretty well. Whilst I don’t know this person, they remind me of a type, if that makes sense. I feel like my spider senses are tingling!

I have made the mistake of discussing my misgivings openly at home. Now my child is saying she is picking up vibes too and it’s reminding her of other times they’ve felt uncomfortable in other peoples’ presence. It appears to have triggered my child’s trauma of those two experiences.

Is this my child picking up on what I’ve said at home, on their experiences of past trauma. Or should I listen to my instincts?

If you and your dc are unhappy, best to to leave.

What’s the sport ? Were the adjustments correct ? My daughter used to do gymnastics, and the coaches often physically adjust, or have to get hold of them (normally as they fell off & over). She also did football, much less “hands on” there.

So now you have told your daughter, who will no doubt tell others in the class …so possibly permanently tainting the career of someone who (as far as I can see) has done nothing wrong. If you have concerns report them properly rather than gossiping & whispering.

BTW, there isn’t a “type” when it comes to CSA.

What was the past trauma your daughter had? Do you have some residual guilt that you are projecting onto this coach ?

I think when you have a child with trauma from two previous sexual assaults, you need to get a better strategy at handling how you discuss these situations. And whatever the truth of the situation, you need to listen to her needs.

What sport is it? I am a “handsy” coach, because with many kids they understand much quicker if you physically put them into shape than if you try and describe it to them. If you have a group demonstrating the physical position correctly with one or two children the visual learners will pick it up at the back.

because I’m female no one would even think to question it.

other coaches prefer to verbally teach though, it’s just different styles.

your child has been to one session? A gouache will have had an advanced dbs check, although that doesn’t necessarily prove anything, just they’ve never come to police attention.

if your gut is truly saying it’s wrong, leave. And/or report to the club safeguarding lead. Can they join another session?

The OP hasn't said anything about previous sexual assaults.

As previous poster said, it really depends on the sport. I did ballet and gymnastics and both teachers/coaches were hands on, as it was necessary to put me in the correct position - poor ballet teacher used to spend a lot of time on the floor correcting our feet!
In gymnastics they were either correcting our positions or catching us if we fell! This felt safe and normal ( both teachers were female )

However, something has set your senses tingling, so either watch closely at every session or withdraw your dc.

Carefully test how other parents are feeling… that may also guide your next move.

I'm a cricket coach and we don't touch the kids - we demonstrate. The only exceptions are the odd high five and very very occasional tap on the elbow to remind them to keep it straight bowling. I can understand other sports might need more though, gymnastics and the like. But a good coach won't mind being questioned on their hands-on/off policy

@ExtraOnions Have you ever heard of the expression, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”. You’ve made a lot of assumptions in your post. I didn’t mention anything to do with CSA, or accuse. I haven’t identified this individual in any way, or even mentioned the sport concerned. So, how am I gossiping?! Gossip involves names of location(s) and people concerned. So perhaps next time, unless you have anything constructive to say, just move along. Or just say you think I’m over reacting. Now, please move along!

There was a very similar thread to this several weeks ago OP, there will be a lot of good advice on there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4772452-tell-me-if-i-am-unreasonable-or-if-the-coach-was-out-of-line

@Testina I didn’t mention anything to do with sexual assault. Trauma isn’t just acquired through such extreme experience(s).

@lieselotte yes, I did see that one, thanks! It was more clear and dealt with really well by the club.

Yes, I have been. I have spoken with the friend’s mum too. Thanks for the balanced reply!☺️

that's a weird thing to say. Because your OP is talking about a coach putting his hands on children. What else do you expect us to assume you're thinking?

And using the cry/laughing emoji? and your other replies to people? odd

What is it, exactly, that you are accusing this coach of?

That’s my understanding too, thank you. You’re right, a good coach shouldn’t mind being challenged.

Move along please!

The type of sports seems important here. The coaching is done in full view of parents? Sounds like the discussion you had with your dc was leading.

Gosh OP I would reply but as you're jumping down everyone's throat who has replied so far, I'll leave you to it