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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset because she really doesn’t understand?

15 replies

CoffeePlease78 · 30/06/2023 11:04

I am a woman and I’m also in a relationship with a woman. I have quite a lot of health conditions where as she is relatively healthy.

I suffer from quite a lot of gynaecological issues including ovarian cysts and endometriosis which makes my periods unbearable - sometimes I can’t even move from the sofa or leave the house because of needing to be close to the bathroom because of the pain and heaviness of them.

I’m currently going through this now and even though she is also a woman, I feel like she just doesn’t understand what I’m going through every single month. She’s very much a ‘just get on with it’ type of person when she’s unwell which I wish I could do too but because of my health issues, my body just won’t allow me to do that sometimes.

We’ve had a big falling out over it last night because she’s just not very helpful - for example, she was suggesting things she full well knows I’m not able to do right now and then seemed irritated when I pointed out I wasn’t able to do that - like go on a forest walk when I’m having to change myself every half an hour and currently laying in a foetal position.

I think the thing that annoys me the most is I just don’t feel heard and I feel like because I can’t just get on with these things in the way that she can, that she finds it an annoyance. AIBU?

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:07

Are you receiving treatment?

Original poster

CoffeePlease78 · 30/06/2023 11:08

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:07

Are you receiving treatment?

Trying to! Been under a gynaecologist for the last couple of years now and because of the back logs, not a lot has been happening in that time unfortunately! 😖

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:11

I had dreadful flooding and know just how it effects your life. After many different treatments I finally had a hysterectomy and I wish I had had that op when I was 25 instead of 50. My husband was really understanding but I can see that it must be really frustrating for a partner who want to be out and about doing things.

Original poster

CoffeePlease78 · 30/06/2023 11:14

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:11

I’m in my early 30’s and I’m absolutely sure that I’ve completed my family - I want something permanent to stop this but they won’t even entertain an ablation at my age which is so frustrating 😖 I know it’s hard and I never want to hold her back so I always suggest her going alone or taking the kids and dogs instead but she just doesn’t understand how debilitating it is and just sees it as ‘oh it’s only a period’

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 30/06/2023 11:18

People who sail through their periods have no idea.
”Luckily” awful periods run in our family so my Mum was quite supportive and when DD started hers I was prepared.
I had to explain to my SIL who had no idea what periods could be like when she complained that DNiece always made such a fuss once a month. She genuinely had no idea

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:20

Could you ask for a second opinion? I had an endometrial ablation when I was in my mid 30s. That did work for a couple of years but then stopped, but I know it has been a permanent solution for many other women.

Stickybackplasticbear · 30/06/2023 11:22

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:07

Are you receiving treatment?

Who else is a just get in with it person eh? As somone with similar health issues I know even getting a proper diagnosis let alone treatment is hard. Sometimes treatments don't exist or won't be offered or suitable. So it's not as simple as just getting treatment.

I think some people are just not very bright and lack empathy. It seems like because her periods are fine she doesn't really understand yours are awful. This is a bit of a significant character flaw in my opinion.

Have you talked to her about her lack of understanding?

Dreamer8 · 30/06/2023 11:30

Hysterectomy here age 37 for the same reasons, it was hard work doing anything before my operation. I did do a lot of things I didn't enjoy because the timing clashed with everything and I didn't want my life to stop. But I was so relieved when they said Hysterectomy. I understand her frustration, but she's not understanding your struggle.

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:34

Stickybackplasticbear · 30/06/2023 11:22

Have you talked to her about her lack of understanding?

Show quote history

My post was a question not a judgement. I must admit I don't understand what you mean by a 'just get in with it person eh'.

If you read my subsequent posts you will realise it took me almost 30 years to have a radical hysterectomy. But far easier to have a go I suppose.

Original poster

CoffeePlease78 · 30/06/2023 11:37

I have been advised to get a second opinion privately because apparently they can be reluctant to do certain things on the NHS because of finances… I’m not quite sure how it works though? I could probably stretch to afford the consultation but definitely not the procedure done privately, so could you have a private consultation and then they do an NHS referral to actually have it done sort of thing?

I have spoken to her about it before, because I feel like I have to almost prove how unwell things make me otherwise she doesn’t believe me or something, she says that isn’t the case but her actions and words don’t quite match up over it so most of the time she just leaves me to get on with it until I feel better

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 30/06/2023 11:44

I would definitely go for a second opinion, it is ridiculous that you are struggling like that.

I tried everything from medications, surgery, herbal supplements and I really wished I had pushed harder for a hysterectomy. I struggled to get a hysterectomy because I did not have children. When it was finally done I was found to have severe endometriosis which had spread widely was probably the reason why I was unable to have children.

I wish you all the best it is so very tough and so very debilitating.

Thelnebriati · 30/06/2023 11:53

I get that some people sail through their periods but FFS, that shows such a basic lack of compassion or empathy, and for someone you are supposed to care about.

Ladyoftheknight · 30/06/2023 14:28

You can get a private consult for the second opinion, bring it back to NHS and they may take it into account. Speak to your team and request a different specialist, and see if they would accept a third opinion.

FWIW, if she doesn't understand you now- suffering, in incredible pain and understandably very stuck, how will she change? What if you can't be fixed?

Lacucuracha · 30/06/2023 14:35

she just doesn’t understand how debilitating it

If she knows that you're in pain and that your having to change pads every 30 mins and is trying to guilt trip you into going out then she's a controlling bitch.

Does she have any good points?

Pinkjacket22 · 30/06/2023 14:39

Lacucuracha · 30/06/2023 14:35

she just doesn’t understand how debilitating it

If she knows that you're in pain and that your having to change pads every 30 mins and is trying to guilt trip you into going out then she's a controlling bitch.

Does she have any good points?

I wanted to ask this as well. Is she nice at other times or is she devoid of empathy? I'm afraid my ex was like this, seemed to be disgusted by me if I wasn't well and he was an all round narcissistic abuser.

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