Zero empathy or AIBU

[Barren2023]

Hi,
I am 37 years old and have been dealing with infertility since 2020. Not to mention we spent over 30.000€ for these treatments. have 3 IVFs, 8 embryo transfers and 1 miscarriage. Currently having the 2nd one due to empty sack with a genetically tested embryo. This one hits me differently because it was a genetically normal and still will end up in abortion. I have one last check today and then we need to make a decision how to abort it.

In my last miscarriage it took me more than two weeks to finalize it. They weren't sure first and then they gave me the medicine, and then medicine didn't work properly, and then I had many check-ups and blood work etc. etc. The whole process was so exhausting in the end, I put my grief aside and just wanted it out of my body.

I shared the whole process with my best friend via phone and text. She still lives in my home country and I live in Europe. So we didn't have chance to talk face to face but I cried many times on the phone. You need to be a moron not to understand how I feel...

I shared this 2nd miscarriage with my best friend two days ago. She was sad and wished me all the best. You know all the usual stuff...

As a background info about her: She is married and have one child. I feel like she is in mid-life crisis and constantly shares her frustration about her husband. Also a bit info abou my home country (don't know if I should still call it home?!): It is a developing country close to Europe and many people there want to vacation or live here. It is like a status symbol. My friend, even though she doesn't have the financial means, always try to go to Europe at least once a year (sometimes even with a bank loan!). Even though Euro rate skyrocketed against the national currency, she decided that they need a vacation in Europe because she feels stuck there and found a cheap ticket to Poland. And as if I am not in the middle of horrible miscarriage again, yesterday she text me this: "Why don't we go there all together to blow off some steam?". I was f.cking furious. Like dude, I didn't even have the abortion yet, doctors are still checking if it is fully unviable or not. Do you think I am some kind of infertility/miscarriage robot, who could pick up the pieces in a day and move on?! Like "Oh Barren86 is already used to it anyways. Let's go to Poland and have fun!"
With all the anger, I texted her back in a very cold manner and said that I don't want to be around children now and my miscarriage is still not medically handled. I cannot go to holiday. Now looking back, what I should have written was "Hello?! Could you please show me some empathy during this time? Do uou really think I am in a vacation mood right now?!". At this point I am thinking maybe she wants us to join so we can split the Airbnb cost or something...

I didn't want to write this in the infertility group because I am sure everyone will be biased there and will back me up on this. I need everyone's unbiased opinion. I am seriously considering to re-evaluate our friendship...

Do you think she has zero empathy for my situation or AIBU due to my delicate situation?

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I had minor infertility and it was awful so I can imagine that you are 10000x more raw and in more pain.

However, I think you are possibly overreacting a bit here. It sounds like she thinks that going on this little jaunt (which I assume wouldn't be happening this week?) might be good for you as a way to get away from the grief and pain that you are going through. it might be misjudged but it sounds to me like it's coming from a good place and that she wants to try and help you feel better. Even if she doesn't fully understand how to do that.

Sorry for what your going through OP ❤

But not sure what your friends financial situation has to do with anything?

Maybe your friend didn’t realise that the abortion is not fully medically handled yet and probably thought she was just being nice by trying to take your mind off it.
It does seem like your friend has not experienced anything like this herself.

Sorry but YABU. Your friend is trying to be a friend and offer you some down time to try and help, which clearly shows she understands you are having a bad time. You are seeing something that is not there. Sorry for what you're going through though.

Yes it's awful that you are going through this but perhaps the stress and distress is clouding your emotions as you are not being very kind to your friend.

Your friend has empathy and her suggestion of a break wasn't nasty and was a nice idea.

If you feel you can't be around children because of your infertility you perhaps need counselling as that bitterness will take over your life and destroy your relationships with everyone around you.

You know your friend better than us, so you know if she’s inviting you for financial reasons.

To me it seems that she knows you are going through a very hard time and thought a holiday might help you feel better and she could be there to try to cheer you up (it obviously isn’t).

As for you not wanting to be around children, it’s completely understandable but that’s very difficult for her since she does have a child.

I would advise not to say anything drastic and take some time out for yourself. You’re going through a loss and she’s going through a mid-life crisis.

It’s a lot going on, it might be helpful to take a break from each other.

This sounds like the kind of silly thoughtless (but well meaning) thing I would do. Try and cheer a friend up by getting them out of their current horrible situation. But hearing your story, I can completely see why this is insensitive. I cant comment on her intentions, but what I would say, is if I was doing it for pure financial reasons (to get a holiday thst someone else helps pay for), I would choose a friend who wasnt going through heartbreak, as thst would completely cha ge the vibe of the holiday. If I chose the friend going through heartbreak, I would be suggesting it for their benefit, not mine.

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot but I don’t see a problem with what your friend said.
Also, her financial situation has no relevance

YABU !! Sounds like your friend doesn’t know what to say or what to do and has simply suggested a break in an attempt to cheer you up!

With kindness, I think YABU. It sounds like she's been there for you as much as she can through your infertility, and she was likely suggesting a holiday away to give you some headspace from your situation. It's fine for her to offer, and it's fine for you to decline.

Her moaning about her husband and financial situation doesn't have much to do with anything, IMO. In fact, I dont understand why you can offload to her about your situation, but she isn't allowed to offload on you about her gripes with her husband? That feels quite unfair.

Again, all of this is meant kindly, and I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but it does sound like you're feeling quite bitter (understandably) and taking it out on your friend somewhat.

Now looking back, what I should have written was "Hello?! Could you please show me some empathy during this time? Do uou really think I am in a vacation mood right now?!".

Good job you didn't write this, it's unnecessarily agitated.

It sounds as though she was suggesting a trip away as something nice that would allow you to spend time together and to get away from it all. She didn't explicitly say 'because you've had a shit time' because it didn't need to be said.

If you don't feel up to it yet then you just say 'sorry I don't feel up to that yet'.

You sound like you were already in a bad mood with your friend before your scan.

By the way- on the Miscarriage board one poster was asking for tips to get through it and a few people suggesting planning a break away to have something nice to look forward to.

When my friend was going through infertility I tried to support the best I could but it seemed I couldn’t do anything right.
Years later she admitted to me it was because I got pg easily no there was a lot of resentment there.
Just saying

I'm sorry for what is going on but Yabu. She didn't know her suggestion was a bad one. People need different things and sometimes that's to take their mind off it. She was trying to help and connect with you.

I understand you're thinking about yourself because of what is going on but it's not reasonable to assume she just didn't think of you. She obviously thought that suggestion was helpful.

Also I'm not sure what her financial situation has to do with it. Feels like you want to judge her.

Hello @Barren2023

I'm so sorry to hear about your challenges with infertility.

Gently, I think YABU. Was this a verbatim quote from your friend? ""Why don't we go there all together to blow off some steam?"

When used in context, the phrase "blow off some steam" means to show/display/express anger or upset feelings. Some people think the phrase means to release pent-up energy, especially when applied to children.

If your friend meant the original meaning, I think she was suggesting the trip as a neutral place for you to talk about what you're going through.

If she's a good friend in other ways, I'd overlook this and explain to her why you found the phrase/suggestion of a trip to be insensitive. You don’t need to maintain the friendship if it's no longer working for you.

All the best

She can't truly understand and I think though she's got it wrong she was trying to do something that might help. But you know her best, do you think she is that sort of person?

Hi. Thanks for your messages. I really appreciate unbiased opinions right now. I am not writing the following clarification to justify myself. I realized I left some points out in my initial message.

I added her financial situation and country's situation because I wanted to point out that many people are taking these impulsive vacation decisions all the time and she doesn't plan this for us but purely for herself.

Also she visits us almost every year with her family and they stay minimum 2 weeks. This year I said I cannot host anyone because I need to focus on having a child, I felt like she wasn't so pleased.

Yesterday when she started to text me she didn't ask how I am doing. She directly started with "Have you been to Poland? Is it nice? The cheapest tickets right now are to Poland". I said "No, I haven't. It is probably nice". And then 30 min or so she asked if we should go together. Since she wrote "right now" and she is a teacher and have time off until August, I am assuming she is planning to go there soon.

I think I am probably more hurt from this. She didn't even ask me how I am doing... And instead asked if I have been to Poland...

I know that many people look at American movies and think that miscarriage happens over a night but it is far from the truth. In many cases it takes weeks of doctor's appointment. And she knew how long it took last time. I think I am hurt about her timing also.

If she would have written something like "How are you? I know it is really hard now but when the abortion over, shall we go on a vacation all together?", I wouldn't be so hurt.

One last point: I do the IVF abroad and I have frozen embryos. If this doesn't I need to go there again for transfer. A transfer usually takes 15 days and I have 11 days left from my paid leave + a few days worth extra hours this year and she knows that.

Firstly, sorry for what you are going through.

To your AIB - I don't know, only you know your friend. But I wouldn't go straight to the infertility robot conclusion. I would assume (from someone who was my friend) that she would be thinking that it would be a nice distrction from you, a girly holiday to get away from it all, a change of scenery etc. Also you say she "knows" all these things, but maybe she is not putting 2 and 2 together.

So if it were me, and my friend, I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt and think she is probably just being a bit thoughtless, rather than going straight to she doesn't care about you and is using you for financial reasons. But that's just me.

Even with your update YABU. Im sorry for your fertility issues.

So I think you need to put yourself in her shoes a little bit here. You're very specific about how you would've liked her to communicate. You say 2 days ago you told her about your miscarriage, and yesterday, she texted asking about Poland as a holiday destination. Have you thought that perhaps she didn't want to overload you asking how you are 2 days after you gave her an update? The fact that she's asking you to go away to blow off steam would in itself make me think that she doesn't want to keep bringing it up directly so she doesn't upset you. Quite honestly, I would likely have done the same as your friend. If you wanted to talk about it, you would, and perhaps you're emotionally and mentally exhausted with it all. It's so tricky as everyone has different ways they'd like to be supported or communicated with in situations like this - it really is a minefield.

After reading all messages, I decided that I want to be away from people for a while to re-evaluate my emotions after this abortion is over. As one of you mentioned, supporting a friend through difficulties is a bit of a minefield. Clearly she cannot put herself in my shoes and I cannot put myself in hers.

As I don't want to isolate myself from my non-infertile friends (lol), I think I will take sometime away from others and re-join the real world again after this is over.

YABU - you are ascribing malice to your friends behaviour because of your situation when from an outside perspective there is zero malice intended.

It is often very hard for people to support someone going through infertility purely because it is such a personal journey and everyone will react differently - some people want friends to check in with "Are you OK?" messages all the time, others want an occasional message and some want friends to wait until the person brings it up themselves and the friend cannot know what you want unless you are clear and honest with her.

From your messages all I see is you being upset with what she has said and everything seems to be wrong, but nowhere do you seem to have actually told her "Hey, I'm struggling and this is what would really help me" you're just expecting her to know what you're thinking.

I am sorry for what you're going through.

I slightly disagree with other posters, because I feel like sometimes "well meaning" isn't enough.

I was due to go away Saturday night to see friends. Had a hellish week for various reasons, and have a lot of upsetting responsibilities to cover over both weekend days. Unavoidable, takes both me and my husband to sort, and neither of us would want to leave the other in the lurch anyway.

I tell my friends that at most we'll drop in, but not stay, and two are sympathetic, say how awful, don't worry, it will be lovely to see you.

The last makes "helpful" suggestions that I leave husband to it and a break will do me good, even though she is the one who actually knows the full situation (and said that she wouldn't want the others to think I was being lazy or flaky - thanks, but I wouldn't have thought that of my other friends?)

So I agree with you - it IS lacking empathy. Empathy isn't about offering solutions. Especially unasked.