Mil help

[nothingformebaby]

Over the year, I've returned to work after being at home with young children close in age.

Mil and dil are supportive but too involved in our lives. Mil messages me everyday to ask how the kids are. She also has an opinion on everything.

She'll ask if we need her to tidy or pick weeds in the garden but we have our own routine. We don't do it in the week - we do it on the weekend when we have a chance. And we're fine with that.

I was struggling in my work a while back and talked to her about switching jobs. Instead of being supportive, she was angry. Basically saying I was work-shy, presuming that I wanted a third baby and that it would wreck our lives and also that I should be on more money. I had to stay at home for years due to childcare costs. I've not mentioned that I want another baby at all! Quite the contrary.

I've been so upset by her comments. She spoke to me like I was crap on the bottom of her shoe.

How do I handle this situation? Aibu? We ask for nothing.

Just grey rock her. Don't reply to her messages and get her son to have a word with her. Keep your distance but be civil for the sake of her relationship with the kids.

Just put some distance between you. Don’t reply to the constant texts immediately. Wait a day or two and then just respond “no thanks, we can sort the house/garden/shopping ourselves”. Don’t be drawn into any drama whatsoever. If she has a tantrum - which she is likely to do when she realises you are pulling away - just completely ignore it and don’t respond at all. Make sure she hasn’t got a key to your house and if she starts dropping round unannounced to circumvent your boundaries, don’t answer the door. Get a video doorbell so you know who’s there. Never confide in her or involve her in discussions about your life, finances, career, decisions etc. Don’t encourage her to believe she has a seat at that table or any kind of influence over what you do.

At the same time, I’d still communicate with her on “normal” stuff like making plans for Sunday lunch or whatever. It’s like training a small child with people like this. You have to reward the good behaviour and ignore the unwanted behaviour. Very tedious having to parent an actual adult but there you go.

And be extra polite in your texted replies:
"It's really kind of you to offer but we are ok with the weeding - thank you"

Then her offer feels acknowledged.

I would tell her to contact your dh and leave him to sort it

Urghhhhh yeah distance yourselves and stop responding and giving her information! stop responding she will get the message loud and clear always make sure your double busy and let dh handle his mum!

Stop telling her private business.
Get your OH to message her with an update on the children.
Stop responding to her messages. Push it back to your OH, let them update their mother, not you. She isn't your mother. Why are you the one she messages?
Does she live close by? If so, keep your doors closed.

Put her on an information diet so she has less to give her opinion about

Yes she lives close by. They've been really supportive over the years so I thought they'd be on board with my career plans.

I think they must have panicked when I said I wanted to quit but her comments were still hurtful and it's none of her business if we want another baby or not! The audacity to think she has a say on our sex life!

I'd reply something like "I'm not sure what gives you the right to comment like that on my lifestyle choices, you are not my mother. I think I need to take a step back and let DH sort things with you for a bit as you've really upset me." And leave it.

I'm keeping my distance. And being extra polite.