Why does she do this?

[Latenightsinthemiddleof]

My sister is really frustrating me. For a few years now, she has gone hot and cold on me. We don't have the best relationship despite best efforts. We don't live nearby, so this is an issue, and because of conflict in the family, we aren't massively "close" either. We was!

She goes through phases of almost love bombing me, phoning/messaging, arranging to meet up, we have heart to hearts and general chit-chat, which is nice because I wanted to build our relationship and be there like we always were. However, it always just stops. I can message, and apart from a brief hello response (if I get that), I'm either ignored fully or left on read for months. Sometimes, we don't speak for months at a time unless I pop up like "hey you didn't reply before, but I hope you're ok." I feel like I'm left to beg for more contact, and it's driving me nuts.
Months will pass, and we are back to chatty like there wasn't a problem..

I'm not one to feel like I need to be responded to immediately, I just feel like this is so rude and unusual and I just don't understand. Especially when their not doing much (which I know) and are on and off Socials and stuff on a regular basis. It leaves me feeling like I've done something wrong. When I mention it, I'm shot down straight away, with the world doesn't revolve around me, or other excuses as to why, or ignored, but you see nothing changes. It just goes on and on.

The AIBU?

despite wanting to build a better relationship with my sister, I dont think I can continue with this crap. This kind of personality runs in the family and I'm fully no contact with them. It's like I'm there when they have no-one else, are bored, or whatever. I shouldn't have to feel like this and I'm going to cut contact because it just feels toxic/sneaky.

There's so much more I could say, but I don't want to out myself.

Or maybe they're a really busy person, forgot to reply then it became irrelevant.

You say THEY don't reply for months, but that means you also didn't contact them for months either.

There's no law that messages have to go back and forth in sequence! You could have just randomly messaged about something else?!

I have two sisters and this sounds pretty normal for us.

We have periods of lots of contact, then one or other will get sidetracked with life and we might go quiet for a few months.

Unfortunately, it's not the case that their too busy to respond to me. It's out of choice, which confuses me.

I will message again or call and nothing. Read or ignored. I mean, it happens regularly, its not just a one off because they've forgot.

Maybe I expect too much from family members lol

And that's fair enough, we all have children and busy lives so I totally get and understand that happens, but do they regularly ignore you like I described? The most recent example is..

Brief conversation, which I assumed would be a catch-up and left ignored again. Previous conversation 4 months ago, and again the same thing. I'm always the first to reach out too.

Maybe I'm overthinking this completely. It just seems on purpose and I don't know why

I think if it’s affecting you the way it is, then to slowly come to terms with it and try to keep communications to a low. If they want to communicate ket them start it.
goinh through similar with my mum at present who moans/shouts at me on the phone. Has my 2 elder siblings nearby and bothers with them & their kids but not me & mine. I’ve offered her to come over but she refuses

Just trying to think of all possible avenues here, do you know your sisters partner? Assuming she has one. There's no possibility of abuse is there? And when she goes quiet on you is because she's being controlled/told not to contact you. The 'love bombing' periods are her reaching out? I could be wayyyy off though

That is where I'm at now, the fact it's causing me to feel this way makes me want to step away because it does feel shitty. But you see, the fact that they NEVER start contact unless I do makes me feel even worse.

Sorry your going through similar with your mum. I'm also no contact with mine for very similar reasons to yours although a huge backstory there that I won't get into here. My children won't be let down like I was. Hugs to you!

As far as I'm aware, there's no issues with her husband/family life, although I'm not exactly close by to know fully. I'm pretty sure this isn't an issue though.

She's close with a family member whom I'm not in contact with though, and I sometimes feel maybe she's influenced by them to some degree because she won't call me if they are there. I believe they see them regularly. Again trying to not out myself 🤦‍♀️lol

Thanks. Who knew relationships with mums could be hard?! Think I’m kinda grieving for mine. I used to imagine me looking after her in old age/holding hands/cuddles etc. I would still but not sure if would be superficial. Hugs to you too o

I used to have a friend like this. Turns out she couldn't stand me but spoke to me every now & then out of obligation - but ONLY if she was both bored witless & wasn't able to lean on her 'proper' friends for whatever reason and I contacted her at that particular convenient moment. I was her occasional phone friend.
However, if I tried to contact her any other time it was tumbleweed......... She also wouldn't accept my friend request on Facebook and whenever I brought it up, would talk her way out of it with different excuses every time.

What a total mug I was.....

I'm really sorry that this is your own sister OP. Though I still would walk away from her like I would any other crappy friend. It's a shame if there's little cousins involved but that hot & cold performance of hers would affect them too so it's best for any kids each of you have, to not be in touch.
Are your parents still around, may I ask? If so, what do they say about it? Does she treat them the same?

Apologies I've just now seen that you're no longer in touch with your Mum

I can relate with that, I think I did too. I spent years resenting her, this time no contact was my choice and it has really helped despite it hurting of course. She's very easy to "forget" me and my children, and has never ever made effort for them. Heartbreaking really, like the women who give birth to you, you expect more.

I'm struggling with my mum too though I can’t go no contact as she's the ONLY remaining family member my DD has and I'm a widowed parent. DD's late Dad's family are all gone so my mum is all that is left and they have a huge bond. However, I do NOT get along with her at all! She has zero empathy or compassion it's so so hard isn't it?

I think you've said it better than me. It feels like she's obliged to speak briefly to me, then nothing. She says how she misses me, would love to meet up, this and that but then absolutely nothing like I don't matter at all. And I'm just left feeling annoyed, guilty for being annoyed, silly for being hurt by it.

We have other siblings, and I don't think this happens to them. I don't live nearby them so I feel as though because I'm not in their "bubble" I just don't matter.

I have so much more to say which would maybe make more sense to outsiders but its too outing for my liking. I also feel like I can't even mention it because it would be turned around on me like I'm being an issue, causing an issue, etc. It sucks so much 😕

This must be so difficult for you. I'm sorry for your loss also. You are amazing for putting your DD first in terms of keeping contact. It is so hard