Have not contacted my mum for 6 months, does not feel the need to

[Twinkle17]

As a single mum with a daughter of 6 year old, the absence of my mum during my childhood is starting to become more apparent to me. My mother left me with another family when I was 2 months old, then I was told I went to live with my mum and dad when I was about 8 months but was babysit regularly. When I was 4 years old, I went to live with my grandmother and elder sister as I was getting to schooling age. Only when I was 10 years old, that we (Mum, dad, grandma, sister and myself) lived under the same roof.

Thus, I rarely feel the need to ask my mum for help and therefore my mum and myself rarely ring each other because we are both living in a different country.

However, as my mum is getting to her old age now, I do not know what to do. I think she wants more love and attention, but I am hesitant and reluctant. The best way to describe is I need to think over my needs first, then deliver what I can to her. I feel bad that I have to 'think' over how to give response to my mum's need now that she is aging.

However, it just feels like it stems from her absence during my childhood. When I was baby, I was obviously dependent on other people's support. Seeing from my own daughter as a child, the only thing a child gives to the world is love. However, this was felt unneeded, unwanted and rejected by my own parents. The love of their child was not monetary, practical enough for my parents existence, that is why I was left with another family.

Does it make sense now that this is the reason I do not feel natural enough bonding with my mum to give her love that she is aging now? It is a lot to give to support an elderly person, I am feeling terrible inside. But my heart and physical is conflicting over what is my role over my aging mother?

Most of my childhood I spent at my dgm's house.. Dm was way too busy with men. When I had my own dc the fact she had been a diabolical dm became so obvious.. It became difficult to have a relationship with her. And I went nc. Been over 20 years now. No regrets at all.

Do you know the reasons why she was so absent from your life? But no, you shouldn't feel guilty about this. You need to look after yourself.

Op, I’m sorry you had such a difficult childhood. One thing that struck me was your mum leaving you when you were two months old and I wonder if she had undiagnosed PND. If so perhaps it then set of a chain of events that meant a lifetime of choices with you always baring the brunt of them. It must have been so hard and lonely for you.

Do you owe your mum anything? I don’t think you do and if you are more at peace with not being in contact with her then just leave it.

Your feelings are valid and it’s not just you. Lots of women on here will relate.

You realise a lot of truths as you bring up your own children and it can be painful. You look at your innocent child and it becomes very clear you were an innocent child too.

Is your mother able to have a reasonable conversation? Can you talk about it with her and have her explain her point of view?

Many mothers are incapable of this kind of self-reflection but some are. You’ll know.

This might sound wanky, but I’ve learned that it’s good to go deep into those memories, feel the feelings fully, then imagine your current adult self giving your child self what she needed in that moment. It might be a hug and a validation, it might be taking her out of the situation, etc. It took me years to try this as it sounds a bit ridiculous but I’m finding it is actually quite healing.

Journaling and making timelines of events can also be helpful to figure everything out, if you want to.

Thank you for the advice. I feel better to have constructed the beginning of my journey here. Obviously there is always conflicting emotions in my life between what I feel 'I need to do in order to fulfil my role as a daughter' and what I am truly capable of giving. I never understood the reason why, and I always feel I am a bit 'selfish'. My dad has used this term on me once. Two years back, thinking I want to have mature and honest 'review' of our relationship so we can move things forward with my mum, I begin exposing my reflections to my mum. I spoke bluntly on what increasing studies on a baby's neurological development has to do on a person and their character etc. bringing up my past. That however, did not sit well with my mum saying, 'Why do I need to bring up my the past which aimed at criticising her?'

Although I fully understand I was not bringing it up to assault her, I felt I did the wrong thing for not speaking respectfully to her. However, the subject of a mother's influence on her child never leave me because I am entirely absorb in trying to raise and connect with my daughter with happy memories, drawing valuable lessons from research and readings. Finally, when enough was done for me to share my life which always centre on parenting, and was 'never welcomed' by my mum, I came to realise, if my mum was not willing to listen on my view of my childhood experience, it almost seems she is willing to 'invalidate my entire existence'. I did not notice then, but now I realise my response was to passively aggressively distancing from her.

I agree we have to visit these memories and understand the connection it has with how it has shaped us. Everything we have become is no coincidence. I never try to make it to sound it was my mother's fault, all I want is clarity of how I see personal development. I thought I could have an adult's discussion as an adult with another adult, but I can see the other party is not ready, or without the tools and language to address what happened.

My experience has been that as an adult I have come to realise how difficult mothering is, and that I have been a far from perfect mother despite all my intentions and efforts.
As my own mother aged, I was able to view her adult to adult and forgive her 'failings' towards me when I was a child. I know she loved me and tried her best, but she was a fallible human, as am I, with limited personal resources and challenging life circumstances to negotiate.
We were on good terms when she died, and for that I am grateful.

How do you feel about your Dad and his role in this - obviously you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to

@Twinkle17 are there any cultural influences on this? Was in the norm culturally to foster DC out so parents could work? Many DC in Indonesia and Malaysia were brought up by grandparents because a wage from a different country is transformational on the extended family.

I'm thinking of workers on cruise ships and so on. Not everyone can afford to stay with their children.

It is unclear if my mum suffers from PND. All I learnt and able to collect from stories by other family members about why both my sister and myself did not stay with my parents as new-born was it was suggested that my mum is incapable as my sister was always crying (as a newborn). As a child, I often hear my mum reiterate that a 'granduncle' made the statement that she is uncapable, and she accepted that is the case, therefore it was decided that we were raise away from her.

Before having my own daughter, I accepted this with no question. But having raised my own daughter, I understand now how absurd this was spoken so lightly about the 'reason' why we were separated from her. Not holding your own new-born by your side stem entirely from another person's opinion?! Eventually, I start to observe this re-occuring pattern in her life, she feels more comfortable for decision to be made for her, to be conforming to other's opinion, for her not to stand her grounds. This unfortunately becomes her way of adapting and survival.

I tried to have a conversation about this episode with her, not trying to change the past, but I all I want is for her to be more aware of the problematic choice of words for her version of the story. Instead of being so light-hearted and unaware of her responsibilities, couldn't she go deeper to understand the effects it has now on our relationship? Needless to say whenever I try to revisit these roots, she felt challenged.

It makes perfect sense as your mum was not around for you as a baby and a child, you owe her nothing so you are free from any responsibility to her, just let go of it

i had a lovely childhood/brilliant relationship with my mum and always thought we’d be there for each other. I’m now a mum, & she bothers about grandkids but doesn’t care for me at all. She is ageing but I find conversations hard with her and also feel I should be there for her versus trying to keep my sanity whilst raising my own. She has tendency to shout/moan at me; makes no effort to visit me/talk to me….except for telling me her health problems. Then if I offer solution she says im not being kind/being rude/dismissive.

Thank you for sharing this. This is truly what I hope to achieve, to view and respect each other as, 'adult to adult'. But the reality is, emotionally, there is too much barrier. The more I try to pursue and aim to become the 'benevolent' daughter, I seem to step on all thorns and slumps. We did not talk for sometime, so I could only guess what she needs. But the last time we spoken, she wanted lots from me. More than I am ready to give. I want to give her lots. However, I also want to be able to dialogue and speak myself out to her, my experiences as an individual she has raised (or not raise). To be clear, I have never felt abused from (probably neglect or taken lightly). To be honest I am deeply grateful I was raised my grandma, the most emotionally stable individual I could be around for my childhood which benefitted my life a lot. I have no problem being around my mum, the only problem is when I feel she wants me to prioritise her needs now that she is aging. This is when conflict stems out, how do I give her the life she wants? Financially, I am probably able to 'give' but is there all it is for mum-daughter relationship? Anyhow, appreciate lots for you sharing the outcome, deeply encouraged.

It's difficult when you grow up and realise that things weren't right. But in my experience, it is extremely hard to get families to see your side.

I rarely speak to my mother because she blames me for her alcoholism. She is currently calling me a lot. I don't pick up. She only wants attention and to whinge to me about nothing important.

Several months ago, I was crying every single day over her behaviour. Then I missed a client meeting because I was in tears. So I decided that was enough. I couldn't let this take over my life.

Choices have consequences. Her behaviour over 30 years has closed my heart to her.

Her passivity in response to the uncle makes her sound very vulnerable. Does she perhaps have an element of special needs?

And what's the situation with your father, are they together? Are you in contact with him?

It sounds like your mum was probably vulnerable in some way either her own ability, mental health or living in a patriarchal environment and culture.

She may not want to talk about it because it is difficult for her, she has regrets, has repressed the whole episode, is ashamed that she was not stronger to stand up to family members.

It sounds like the choices were possibly made with your best interests at heart, you moved in with a stable, loving grand parent.

You cannot view the past with modern day glasses / views, either time or culture has changed and things that were entirely normal back then are seen is inconceivable today.

It may feel like that bond is lacking but it is entirely possible to rebuild that relationship, many people build secure relationships with people that were once complete strangers over time but you need to view yourselves as adult and adult, not abandoned child and parent.

You've tried to speak to her about the impact on you, have you ever acknowledged how difficult it must have been for her? How it must have been awful to make that choice.