To want to dip out of this wedding

[Boymum1005]

Some friends of ours (DH friend and his partner) were booked to be married locally next summer. We were both asked to be in the wedding party, I was skeptical as the bride isn’t really a direct friend of mine, but she’s very sweet and we get on well, we see them regularly, they live in the same village and our children are similar ages.

DH and I always book our holidays a year or 2 in advance. As it stands, we have a European holiday in autumn booked and paid for, a long haul holiday in May 2024 booked with a hefty deposit, and our wedding is booked in Europe for summer 2025. A wedding in said country is something we always planned and friends/family have been aware that this would be the case since before the engagement. We started planning ours within 2-3 months of this couples wedding being booked.

Anyway- last week, the bride and groom told us they have cancelled their local wedding, having booked and paid for it over a year ago, and went to a travel agents to book a package holiday & wedding deal in the same country we are marrying in.

I’m a little peeved for 2 reasons -

1. they have given less than 12 months notice for an abroad event, when we’ve already paid to go abroad for the stag and hen dos next month. We’re a family of 4 so it’s going to be around a £4K holiday with relatively short notice, just 3 weeks after a pricey 2-week long haul holiday.
2. We’ve never known them to go on holiday abroad in the 7 years we’ve known them, it’s not their thing and that’s fine. Thats a big factor in me finding it a little odd that they’ve chosen the same country as us (albeit a different venue) when they’ve never visited it before or had a passion for travel/this country. It kinda feels like they’ve jumped in our boat and sailed away with it. And within a week they’re chasing us for a revised RSVP.

AIBU for not wanting to bend over backwards financially, taking unpaid time off work (I don’t have enough annual leave for 23/24 remaining to accommodate this), whilst saving for our own wedding, to go to theirs - given the circumstances?

For context; I’m on maternity leave with DC2 and could still be BF next summer, so leaving the children with family to go alone isn’t an option. The long haul holiday is booked with a very hefty deposit already paid. The couple never sent out save the dates or formal invitations, the whole thing has been arranged via word of mouth and WhatsApp. Our children are both under 3 so we’re not affected by school holidays etc.

DH and I are also pretty laid back when it comes to our guest list and if people cannot come abroad for various reasons we totally get it, that’s a risk you take when marrying abroad - the point I’m making here is the sudden change of plans, relatively short notice and huge similarities…

I refer to DH out of habit from spending too much time on MN… of course I mean darling fiance not darling husband!

You can't go if you don't have enough annual leave. What does your fiance say?

You don’t have to make a big deal of it. Just say you hope they haave a great time but since they changed their plans, you won’t be able to join them.

I don’t think all the context and reasoning is necessary, you don’t have enough annual leave and can’t afford it as you’ve already booked holidays, so you don’t go. The end

YANBU. Just say you can't go now it's abroad, it's not what you signed up for.

I think it’s a bit much to expect people to pay for abroad stag and hen dos and an abroad wedding.

Just say you can’t go, your holidays are already planned and you can’t take any more leave or afford another holiday.

Your second point about them jumping on your bandwagon you are going to have to let go of though.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand he would love to make it work as he’s due to be a groomsman, him going alone is an option but it still comes at quite a cost. We’re on similar wages and can enjoy lovely holidays but we have to plan and budget in advance. He’s working out whether he could make that work, but it would be a huge stretch for him.

I feel you're overthinking this.

They changed the plan. You can't do this plan.
Sorry friends, have a lovely time.

Continue planning your own wedding & don't give it any more thought.

About 50% of the people I know seem to have had their wedding at the same (very beautiful) venue as us, let alone country.
I'm going to be blunt - nobody cares.
In 5 years, you won't care, you'll just remember your day.
The photos will be gathering dust as you get on with living your life.

Oh that was a lot of explanation,!but honestly you just can't go tell them this and don't go.

@TeaKitten thank you - my over-explaining people pleasing mentality going into overdrive there!

Just say you can’t go. But don’t expect them to come to yours.

No need to over think it.

They moved the goalposts significantly. People are not made of money and also have their own plans and commitments.

Just say sorry we won't be able to manage it, hope you have a wonderful weddingx

They changed their plans for whatever reason it doesn't mean everyone has to fit in and fly abroad because they decided on a different wedding.

You tell them that due to change in their circumstances you dont have the budget or holiday days left at work so unfortnatley you will have to celebrate with them when they are home.

As always on mumsnet. Wedding invites are exactly that.

Invites not summons.

You've got two tiny children, that is reason enough to decline an abroad wedding!

You can still enjoy the hen and stag do's and celebrate with them after the wedding.

If your partner can go alone, great but otherwise don't worry about it and just decline.

Replace 'unfortunately' with 'we look forward to'

Just reply saying you can't attend as you don't have enough annual leave left, but wish them a wonderful time and send a present. The fact that they have chosen the same country is you is a bit strange, but I'd ignore that completely.

Far too much detail OP!!

Just explain that you don’t have enough holiday left to attend, what a shame. You look forward to celebrating with them when they get back.

Dont add loads of additional info.

Put your own family first.

It's unpaid leave and an additional expensive trip. They moved goal posts so just thank them for inviting you, but say that due to having insufficient leave and funds you won't be able to make it.

If they're good friends they'll understand this.

Don't start over-explaining to the couple when you speak to them. Difficult when you're like that - I am too - but it's really unhelpful in situations like this because you sort of emit an air of guilt, which then changes the tone of the conversation so that you sound defensive and encourages the other party to go on the attack.

You don't need to defend your position because it's very reasonable and understandable. Just keep it very simple and breezy. "We've had a chat about it and unfortunately we just can't make it work with annual leave and existing holidays to pay for. It sounds amazing though, we can't wait to see the photos!"

@Puppers exactly this! It’s an awful habit I need to work on, thank you for the pointers!