To be resentful/irritated when friends have lots of other friends?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I have a long time friend who is very popular. We are both part of the same large group of friends, so we still see each once or twice a month, and I’m generally happy with my social life overall. But this person has maintained more friendships from every phase of her life than I have, so she has multiple groups. Part of that is she’s always been single without kids whereas I am married and have 2.

So, while we have always been fairly close, at some point it dawned on me that i only heard from this person when they had a “diary gap” to fill. And usually whenever i suggested something, often a) she was booked up, b) she couldn’t come because she was so hungover from the night before or c) did turn up hungover and then left early.

Last night, we invited her for a weeknight dinner on her birthday. It was nice but conversations obviously turned to social plans and of course she’s booked up every weekend till end of September. So we felt we’d done a nice thing to maintain intimacy on a weeknight, especially as she lives alone, but I realised again this person doesn’t “need” me or my friendship, not really.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I am now somehow pretty resentful, or rather, just irritated at this “friendship differential”. I sort of feel that if one side of a friendship is much more social/popular than the other, then those friends will never appreciate each other equally!

The only reason she has more friends is because she needs more friends as she’s single and childless and would probably get bored and lonely without them.
Personally I don’t think it should matter how many friends who have as an adult especially when you have children. It should be about quality not quantity.

Do you know this for a fact?

With friendships, I think you get out what you put in. As a single person without children, she probably has more time to invest in friendships

It's not v nice to realise that you regard simeone as an A list friend but they don't feel the same. But, sometimes, that's just how it is

Hilarious 😂 you want control over another person's social circle.

Ask yourself honestly do you see your friendships from a competitive angle? If so why? It's not typical to want to remove positive things from a friends life.

I have a single friend who is out and about all the time - she maintains all her friendships because otherwise she would be sitting on her own every night. I a married, so have company every night - like you. I'm not jealous - if I was single I would do exactly the same as her!

I go through phases I can’t see friends because they’re busy with other friends and I get the occasional pang of jealousy but then remember I don’t want to be out every Friday and Saturday night socialising. It’s exhausting and I love binge watching Netflix with dh and a glass of wine. I get what you’re saying though.

I think you are being selfish. You have a husband and children so presumably don’t want to spend all weekend with her each week? Do you expect her to sit twiddling her thumbs until you want to see her?

I have a husband, kids, and a large family that I like to spend time with. I only have a small group of friends that I make the effort to see regularly because that’s all I have the time and energy for. I don’t begrudge my more sociable friends for having more friendships though. It makes no difference to our relationship 🤷‍♀️

So we felt we’d done a nice thing to maintain intimacy on a weeknight, especially as she lives alone, but I realised again this person doesn’t “need” me or my friendship, not really.

Whether you meant it to or not this comes across as incredibly patronising. It sounds like she wasnt grateful enougj for your doing a "nice" thing for the poor little single woman and that she isnt needy enough for your attention

I do know what you mean op.
But one of my friends once told me this-
You get something different from each friend. Each time you meet up with someone, no matter how many other friends you have, no matter if they are closer than the friend you are meeting, if she is choosing to meet with you, she gets something out of your friendship she might not get from anyone else.

The only reason she has more friends is because she needs more friends as she’s single and childless and would probably get bored and lonely without them.

In todays topic of "what are childfree women" we have "bored and lonely"

Still I guess childfree women have been called a lot worse on here this week

Why netball ? Totally illogical comment

I have a best friend from 20 year ago, she is married with three kids. I am child free and single. I am her one friend whereas I have 8 close friends that I have picked up in different circles.

I ADORE this woman. I frigging love her so much and it would not matter it I got another 100 friends, she is always gonna be in my heart. But our lifestyles are totally different. She is up at 6am with kids, I am going to bed at 3am from a night out. We have just had to try to navigate the changes of the friendship. If I invited her to go drinking she would say no, too tired, not wanting to be hungover, maybe no childcare. If she invited me to go watch kids football matches, sometimes I go, but sometimes might be recovering from night out.

None of this means I don't need her. In fact, I need her more than she needs me. She lives with 4 other people. I live alone. But I can't rely on her to be my only support network, so I need to branch out to other friends so I don't become a burden to her. Sometimes this means I am busy when she suggests hanging out.

It is OK to feel jealous, it's normal. But to resent her for having other friends is a bit much.

I love this viewpoint, yes if she chooses to spend a mid week birthday dinner with you, she wants to be your friend. Be glad.

No it's not. It's people's views on your post. And it might be worth you trying to take some of those points on board and think about them. Personal growth, ya know!

I can see why you have so few friends. You ignored the insightful responses you got to insult people.

Yeah you tell yourself that 😂

Make other friends. It's that simple.

Well said.

You've had some people be really positive on here OP, particularly those encouraging you to think about her choosing to spend time with you, even though she doesn't 'need' to with her other options.

YABVVVVU, and not really coming across that well on this thread.

i only heard from this person when they had a “diary gap” to fill.

surely that;s life? I often think "I miss X, I will see when they are free" and schedule them in. Recently I could only manage the end of July (due to mine and her work schedules) but we have it scheduled as I would love to see her. everything is filling a diary gap. The fact she contacts you shows she wants to maintain contact. There will be friends she schedules first and after you, dependant on activities and current life cycles.

this person doesn’t “need” me or my friendship, not really.
Surely this is the best outcome? She does not need money or support from you and instead WANTS to be your friend. She wants to spend time with you chatting and enjoying your company, rather than spending time with you because she needs something from you.

People are allowed to maintain as many friendships as they want, you didn't marry her she doesn't owe you a set amount of time.

I think she does value you, otherwise she simply wouldn't make any time for you. I'm childfree and constantly busy (even more so since getting into a relationship) and I see some of my friends far less than she sees you, twice a month is quite a lot!

I think you don't come off well, you sound a little bitter. Nobody is stopping you from making your own plans on weekends when she is busy or having other friends outside of her and her circle. Perhaps as you hsve children she assumed you had more 'mum friends'. When a lot of my female friends settled down I and the other chilfree women of the group found we had much less in common as we were at different life stages, and while obviously we still had the odd catch up and night out, they seemed much happier making plans with other parents, arranging playdates at the weekend or attending family gatherings than going out with the girls. So it does go both ways as well!

I have 7-10 really close friends and I genuinely don’t know where I am in their pecking order of their other friends …I really don’t care because I can depend on all of them in a crisis!

Totally missing the point …. but I didn’t realise netball players(?!) were particularly bitchy?!

You’ve had some really constructive replies on this thread.

Go away high school netball player 😂

So we felt we’d done a nice thing to maintain intimacy on a weeknight, especially as she lives alone, but I realised again this person doesn’t “need” me or my friendship, not really.

I find this attitude bizarre. It's like you didn't actually want to see her, but you did it out of charity because you thought she'd be alone and needed you? But actually, as you already knew, she has a thriving social life so you weren't needed at all. And that has made you resentful because you want her to need you. Why? A friendship built on need isn't a very good or strong one.

Also "maintain intimacy on a weeknight" is an pretty intense way to think about inviting a friend for dinner.

It sounds like you are a bit envious of her life OP. Parenting is hard and comparison is the thief of joy. You made your choices and she made hers… there will be times you’re both wishing your life was more like the other ones. If you want the friendship to continue you will have to love her for who and what she is and never let on how you feel deep inside. If she asked you not to prioritise your children over her she’d be incredibly unreasonable. You can’t expect her to prioritise your friendship higher than others.