To be resentful/irritated when friends have lots of other friends?

[Housebuyingfamily]

I have a long time friend who is very popular. We are both part of the same large group of friends, so we still see each once or twice a month, and I’m generally happy with my social life overall. But this person has maintained more friendships from every phase of her life than I have, so she has multiple groups. Part of that is she’s always been single without kids whereas I am married and have 2.

So, while we have always been fairly close, at some point it dawned on me that i only heard from this person when they had a “diary gap” to fill. And usually whenever i suggested something, often a) she was booked up, b) she couldn’t come because she was so hungover from the night before or c) did turn up hungover and then left early.

Last night, we invited her for a weeknight dinner on her birthday. It was nice but conversations obviously turned to social plans and of course she’s booked up every weekend till end of September. So we felt we’d done a nice thing to maintain intimacy on a weeknight, especially as she lives alone, but I realised again this person doesn’t “need” me or my friendship, not really.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I am now somehow pretty resentful, or rather, just irritated at this “friendship differential”. I sort of feel that if one side of a friendship is much more social/popular than the other, then those friends will never appreciate each other equally!

I get what you mean but everything in life is kind of a trade off isn’t it? You’re married with two kids, as am I, and I’m sure you sometimes crave silence and no plans. If you’re single as an adult, you could close the door on Friday and not speak a single word to another person until Monday unless you had weekend plans (as a single adult friend pointed out to me recently).

You’re completely right. She doesn’t need to be your friend. She wants to be your friend and that is worth so much more. So you’re one of her ‘week night dinner’ friends rather than a ‘paint the town red’ friend. Just appreciate it for the positives it brings you, rather than resenting her.

Couldnt have put this better myself

I can’t think why you don’t have more friends with this attitude..

It's not her fault you don't many other friends though is it? If she never made an effort or got annoyed if you said you were busy then sure it's a double standard, but just because she's a huge % of your friendship group it doesn't mean she has to prioritise you all of the time. If she is really busy then she obviously values your friendship to make plans with you- I would say a friend who doesn't need you but chooses to spend time with you is better anyway.

Why do you assume that she doesn't appreciate time with you?

And (I mean this gently), why do you resent someone else having a full social diary? You did do something nice, so why is it spoiled by discovering she is busy for the next couple of months?

I think this is much more about your resentment of your own social life than it is about resenting her. She hasn't done anything wrong.

One of my friends is single and lives alone and wants to make sure she has plans as she’s a social person. If I don’t happen to have plans my husband is there so I don’t feel lonely but you do need to make more effort when you live alone.

As others have said, don’t resent it as she clearly wants you in her busy life. You might need to make plans further in advance with her.

I have a good friend who has lots of other friends but she makes time in her life for me and actually in some ways it’s nice to know that she’s not just holding onto our friendship because she doenst have friends and needs me, she just wants me in her life

For goodness’ sake, you are married with two kids. A single person would probably consider the weekend as ‘family time’ and not expect you to want to hang out with a single friend but to be spending time with your family. Have you ever been single for any length of time as an adult? It requires military precision planning and a lot of effort to make sure you don’t spend long periods of time on your own feeling lonely if you are the extrovert type.
YABVU.

😂😂😂

So we felt we’d done a nice thing to maintain intimacy on a weeknight, especially as she lives alone, but I realised again this person doesn’t “need” me or my friendship, not really.

This is a bit weird tbh.

Do you want her to 'need' you as she's single? Did you expect to pity her a bit because she lives alone - and then when you saw her completely happy and busy doing her thing, it put your nose out of joint?

This kind of feels like you think she should need you more as she's single, and you should be the married friend who needs her less, and you're annoyed that that isn't the case.

Neither being married nor having kids makes maintaining friendships harder. She invests in people and therefore has more people in her life. Instead of comparing why not make an effort to get what you envy her having.

What a weird post. You want her to be so thankful to you as you mercifully spent time with her on her birthday but gets annoyed when you realise you are not the centre of her universe so now you don’t want to bother with her. Who needs enemies when they have friends like you.

It's not her fault you don't have any friends. Try making some new ones then!

This sub forum is like walking into a high school locker room full of bitchy netball players

Whaaaat? You’ve had so many good perspectives - at least I found them useful! Main takeaway seems to be ‘she is choosing to see you which is better than seeing you because you’re the only option’.

Unless that touched a nerve because she is one of YOUR only options?

I have 3 little kids and have really made the effort to widen my social circle this year, and it’s SO worth it. One thing leads to another and I’m so busy now and know lots of lovely interesting people and feel way more part of the community. You can do it op!

This kind of feels like you think she should need you more as she's single, and you should be the married friend who needs her less, and you're annoyed that that isn't the case.

Yes, it does. Focus on the fact that she chooses to spend time with you. How on earth is that a bad thing?

I think you aren't really taking into account her single status, she probably needs to plan a lot more in than you unless she is happy being on her own a lot. It sounds like she does value your friendship, but she has a lot of friends and that's right for her, try not to just enjoy the friendship for what it is.

OP is it more to do with how she makes the friendship feel?

Like "oh I've made an effort with you because I've chosen to, I'm single and without commitment and would be doing a whole raft of other more interesting things, but look I've chosen this less-than-exciting-mid-week-dinner-because-I've-got-nothing-better-to-do" rather than it being a mutual appreciation type thing?

I don't think you come across well in this.

Wow, definitely YABVU! I wouldn't like to be your friend 🤣

That’s not fair. Maybe she values each individual friend and doesn’t want to lose any of them? Doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you as well. I had a friend getting jealous when I saw other friends- why????

It’s good to have friends. She’s single so she has more time and being sociable can be a full time job.

I think OP people are pickng up that you seem annoyed that she has stayed in contact with people from all phases of life. Actually, that shows that she is considerate, thoughtful and probably a great friend. Not to mention loyal. You are just thinking how it affects you though.

Yup YABU - both with your OP and with this comment . Particularly the comment .

So as you know this is totally your issue, the friend has done thing wrong, until others with their own issues tell you otherwise