Babysitting

[Squashyy]

AIBU to bring my DS to my mums to be minded when MIL will be visiting?

I have plans that I cannot change, DH will be doing DIY with FIL so DS would be alone with MIL.

My DH thinks I am BU to say that DS will still go to my mums even though his mum will be there however PIL make 0 effort to see DS and wouldn’t have seen him 10 times in his life - he’s 20 months. The last time he was in their company he cried when DH and I left the room - I don’t think it’s fair to leave DS with someone he essentially doesn’t know, who doesn’t know his routine, what he can/cannot eat (he has multiple allergies). DS is minded my my mum when I’m working or when DH and I have plans - DS adores her.

YANBU - your best reason for this is that it's not fair on MIL to leave her with DS in a house where there is DIY going on. Toddlers love tools, paint, drills, etc and it's hard to keep them safe. Tell your H it's not fair on MIL to saddle her with the responsibility or the task of keeping DS out of the DIY area while the work is going on in an area she presumably isn't familiar with. Maybe your mum could have her over so she isn't bored to death in your house?

I think you’re being unreasonable. Your DH will be there too if there’s an issue, he’s never going to get to know your PIL otherwise.

make it clear that you’re not coming back though if there is an issue.

But DH will be busy and filthy so he won't be able to drop everything if DS is unhappy? And as I said PIL have made 0 effort to visit, it's always been us making the effort. I don't see why she should be automatically made babysitter just because she's there.

What does MIL think?
Is she happy to babysit whilst DH & FIL do DIY?

If so, maybe she's finally making an effort
It would be good for him to get to know her

It does seem a bit 'I don't trust you MIL' if you take him to your Mum's (who sees him loads anyway)

We like the old Honey I shrunk...movies.

If DH is there and he’s happy with it (and MIL is happy with it) then I think it would be quite pointed to take him to your DMs.

It’s his problem if he’s filthy and needs to drop everything to respond to DS. If he’s there, he’s ultimately responsible, so leave him with it.

It would certainly send a message, I honestly thing you are being unfair.

I think given that ds other parent will be there, and have his own parents there, and is saying that it will be fine, yabu.

Leave them all to it.

10 times in 20 months is a reasonable amount of contact. It's every other month, approximately. It's not as if she's only seeing him twice a year. However, him having allergies makes the stakes higher, and the DIY (because there'll be tools around). I think you get the final say as the mum (I assume you do most of his care so you know him best) as you'll have the best judgement as to whether she can manage him. What is she like when she's around him? Is she conscientious? Or careless? Does she respect when you ask her to handle him a certain way? Or does she tend to undermine you or argue with your decisions? Will she understand his food allergy restrictions? Or does she say that food allergies are modern nonsense?

For my kid with allergies, I really preferred to train any new caregiver myself, in person, and have them help me manage his food at least once while I was present, before I left them alone to handle him. That way I could see if they were able to juggle the issue of cross-contamination, making sure they paid close attention so he wouldn't grab other people's food, putting food away right after the meal so it wasn't laying where he could get into it, recognizing the signs of an allergic reaction, etc. It's not trivial, it requires someone who has enough energy and familiarity with the intricacies and it's a LOT to learn. And on top of that, toddlers are really hard work and very tiring. It's hard to force yourself to implement complicated new information when simultaneously you have a whirling dervish running around trying to find every choking hazard and eat it.

How is your dh with him? If you ask your dh to handle the food, will he do it, and do it properly? Or will he say "yes" and then leave his mother to handle the food on her own?

well I know my mum hardly sees my kids due to distance but they love hanging out with her. If your DS is around people who love him and are relaxed he will be fine. If you think MIL. FIL and DH are negligent then send him to your mums

YABU DH is his parent and will be present. He can then decide if DS is happy and if not he will have to stop and tend to his child.

10 times in 20 months isn’t a lot when most of those visits have been us visiting them.

She is certainly ‘I know best’ kind of MIL and I’d be lying if I said we had a good relationship, it was ok actually until DS was born. She’s very undermining and comes out with things ‘oh you still don’t give him dairy’ - it’s not through choice. I’m ‘mean’ because he doesn’t get ice cream or chocolate. He’s also allergic to nuts so I think I’m entitled to be wary about who looks after him.

To be honest if DH is up to his eyes ripping out a bathroom I don’t think he can be expected to drop all to tend to DS so I am fairly certain his mum would be left to mind him which is what makes me unhappy. If he was going to be present and not busy it wouldn’t be an issue.

Yeah YANBU. I wouldn’t be leaving your child in her care.

If I'm completely honest I do not trust her at all with him.

When he was little every time he cried he was hungry. If he pooped he needed another feed etc. She has quite openly judged every aspect of my parenting so I don't feel like I owe her anything. You can't treat me like crap and expect to be rewarded by minding my child that you don't know through no fault of mine.

Is babysitting a toddler a "reward"? I would have viewed it as the opposite!

I think your DH is around, it would be fine myself

And then that decision would be your DHs. His other parent.