To feel like no one has any sympathy/empathy

[Cacaomonster]

I have been through some horrible things in the last 5 years or so. Cancer, DC diagnosed with a significant disability, lots of worrying health issues, on top of the usual stress at work, stress of the pandemic and trying to homeschool and work, issues with in-laws, DC's exams etc

Through it all I have tried so hard to be positive and count my blessings. I have not acted like a victim or sought out sympathy but have just done my best to power through it. This morning I had to go to see a physio for an issue with my shoulder. She asked me lots of health questions and she was so sympathetic about everything I've been through that I ended up crying and couldn't stop. It was really embarrassing and we didn't get any physio done at all! She was so kind.

It made me realise that it was the first time that anyone has expressed any sympathy towards me and it made me realise what a horrible time I've been through, having to explain it all. DH is wonderful but he is so laid back and doesn't worry about anything so has no insight into how hard it has been for me as he just thinks everything will turn out fine. When I'm upset or anxious he just makes me a cup of tea and leaves me alone. He just doesn't know what to say. My Mum has no sympathy and has never even asked me how I am after having cancer. Its like she's embarrassed to bring it up. One of my current health issues could result in vision loss and i have been so worried about it. She asked me what was wrong as i was being quiet and when i told her I was worried about my eye problem she didnt say anything and then changed the subject.

My best friend basically dumped me when I got cancer as she said she had too many difficult things to deal with in her life and couldn't offer me any support. When I told her how upset I was about her reaction she told me never to contact her again. I have other friends but no one really close and so they're not people I would bring up my problems to or expect any support from. When I have mentioned anything I'm worried about i just get a brush off response like I'm sure you'll be fine.

Is it normal to go through life without experiencing sympathy? Am I expecting too much from people? I just feel so alone when I'm anxious or scared. I have had counselling from MacMillan after having cancer and it was helpful but I don't have spare money to spend on more counselling. And I'm not sure I even need it. I just feel that no one really cares about me.

I feel for you. You're not expecting too much at all. Unfortunately a lot of people are very disappointing. There will be some who are lovely but I've experienced a lot of people running away and not knowing how to deal/not wanting to deal with illness etc.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful time. The response from your friend was absolutely despicable. Even at my lowest, most traumatized point, I would have never turned a friend away like that.

I know exactly how you feel about having no-one to turn to. My only close friend died last year, which was devastating. There’s no one I feel able to turn to now. It is hard. I have found the Samaritans really useful. They give you the chance to talk to someone who makes you feel like the care about you.

I have realized that sadly a lot of people have very little empathy or are just busy and preoccupied with their own lives. There also seems to run through many threads on here an attitude that you only offer support if it’s not too much trouble for you and no one should expect anything more. We seem to have become a cold, individualistic society.

I think that people like us, who just 'power through' and get on with life, are often overlooked because (on the surface) we are coping. Because we appear so resilient, people don't know what to do when we say we're having a hard time.

I'm not making excuses for people behaving like that. I know how you feel and it's hard. I tell myself it says more about them, that they lack empathy and they're unable to see our vulnerabilities, even when we speak up we're often not heard. The physiotherapist heard you though, she understood and showed you kindness so perhaps this pattern of not being heard is more about the people who are closer to you. Your mother and husband - tell them their lack of empathy is hurtful. Hopefully they will listen to you and take your points on board. You've had a tough time and it's not unreasonable to expect people who love you to 'step up' when you need them to.

🌻

I'm so sorry. That sounds really hard. 😥You've been through so much and felt the lack of support from the people closest to you.

DH is wonderful but he is so laid back and doesn't worry about anything so has no insight into how hard it has been for me as he just thinks everything will turn out fine. When I'm upset or anxious he just makes me a cup of tea and leaves me alone. He just doesn't know what to say.

From your description, it seems to me that your husband really does care, but he doesn't yet have the skills to give you what you need. It comes naturally to some people, but others have to work at it. Can you be really specific with him about how much it would mean to you if he were able to show his empathy, and how important that is to you? He does notice when you're upset - the cup of tea is a start - he just needs to develop his competence to build on that and go further.

It might feel strange to actually practice those skills, like an actor, but I bet he could do it, and I bet he would do it for you once he knows that's what you need. I imagine this is the sort of thing counsellors learn as part of their training, and that there could be some videos online which would help him?

Or he could go on Mumsnet or some other forum and ask, 'I really love my wife and want to show her that I care when she's upset. She says the cup of tea isn't enough, but I feel awkward and don't know what to do. Can you please give me some tips on exactly what I can do to be more supportive?'

I singled out your husband because it sounds like he does care.

Maybe your mum does too, but that isn't so clear: you said she had "no sympathy" but I don't know whether you meant she didn't care or that she does care but didn't show it. You probably know whether there is potential for her to want to change her behaviour too.

Unfortunately there are very few people in life, even working in roles that need to express concern and rapport that are prepared to offer this support, kindness and concern. Because(?) I think Because it's not viewed as profitable or productive, everything is on the clock. It means there's the lack of language and emotional range to actually step up when needed because theyve not had the practice. But as you know it's very simple, it's opening that conversation and letting someone going through it get it out.
It's difficult but you could outline to your dh you want x time and you need him to listen, without trying to fix it at first.

Having been through cancer myself I completely agree and have experienced the same. People say 'you're so strong' etc but it's not strength it's just gritting your teeth and getting on with the shit that's being thrown at you. Or at least it was for me.

If possible OP, I would recommend being referred to a psychiatrist on the NHS. Preferably a cancer specialist. You need to process everything that has happened to you and that's often easier with a professional. Mine was an absolute life saver. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you.

As I've gone through life I've realised that if it doesn't affect them , people in general may sympathise but they don't actually care. The majority of people are selfish and it's times of crises you find out who truly cares for you and it's often surprising who is there for you in times of trouble ,
often people you wouldn't expect . Your friend was never truly your friend .

Same as the people who avoid you because they don't know what to say . Of course they know what to say . They just don't want to deal with emotion or sadness .

I’ve had a tough year with my health and one of the hardest parts has been the lack of empathy shown by people that I expected it from like my sibling and close friends. Fortunately I knew my mother would be useless so I had no expectations there.

My DH isn’t always great with words though he has really stepped it up recently. He’s also been great with non verbal communication. Reaching out to hold my hand in bed, stroking my hair or massaging my head when I’m on the couch. We’ve just come back from a family funeral which was tough for me physically and emotionally and he’s put on some upbeat music which has really lifted my mood. Maybe let your husband know what kinds of gestures you would appreciate?

It is your mum whose reaction seems most inappropriate. I wonder if she is really the core of your difficulties in this respect. I thought that perhaps her constant failure to provide you with emotional suppot might have affected your relationships with other people, so that you always experienced them as disappointingly unsympathetic, or even created a dynamic in which it was hard for them to satisfy you in this respect.

I was struck by this line in your post: I have other friends but no one really close and so they're not people I would bring up my problems to or expect any support from.
Speaking as someone who doesn't really have close firends, I rely a lot on the small experssions of support from casual friends -- fellow dog walkers, neighbours, work colleagues. I almost always find people to be compassionate and supportive (and give the same back) in the little quick exchanges that these friendships allow. These exchanges can be quite 'intimate' even if brief and infrequent. I think they do alot for my mental health.
There might be atleast two ways of disrupting other people's ability to provide emotional support. One is 'just powering through' - choosing not to reveal your vulnerability. The other is feeling pre-emptively aggrieived by an anticipated failure of others to understand and provide support. In some people I know,this produces a rather harsh (almost angry) way of hinting at their own problems. Not saying you do that, just indicating the range of things that we ourselves can place between ourselves and other people's compassion.

Do you have siblings? My siblings are the people I feel most understod and supported by, even though they are 100s of miles away and we rarely meet.

I joined a support group and it’s helped so much .
I went to an amazing psychotherapist who ran the group.

there are also various purses run by women’s groups. I done assertiveness and confidence building which was brilliant.

good luck honey

Thank you everyone who has replied. Some things to think about here. I think both DH and my Mum care but they don't seem able to show sympathy naturally. I get the idea of telling DH what would be helpful to hear but it does sound so forced and artificial if I tell him what to say and then he says it! I guess I just feel really lonely and that no one really understands how hard things have been for me.

I did have some counselling when I had cancer and it was OK and helped me get through that time. I just feel like it's not "normal" to not experience/receive sympathy in everyday life. I think it is probably a lot to do with looking as though I'm strong and coping but that's kind of what I need to do to get through the days.

I don't really know what I'm asking really. Just that I feel like I am very caring and supportive to everyone around me and get nothing back I suppose. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and need to snap out of it.