Want to disinvite colleague from baby shower

[MondarizGreen]

I am regretting inviting a colleague to my baby shower. It will be quite a personal affair, hosted by a member of my family at their home.

I don't have many friends where I live (abroad in a small place) but am lucky to have some close friends, mainly older through family connections, as well as a few my age through various walks of life here. But I do not have a regular 'social circle'. This colleague started reaching out to me once I got pregnant and seemingly wanted to be helpful and supportive. She is older than me and not married and without children. That's not an issue but let's just say I don't entirely approve of certain of her lifestyle choices and being a bit of a prude, have always struggled with wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt as well as genuinely feeling uncomfortable with some of the things she says and does. For example a more minor one is that she casually swears a lot (whilst reminding people about her posh background when she can!). A more serious one is that she is very prone to bitching together with calling people nasty names and I would not be surprised if she has said some things about me in the past. She is also very nosy and gossipy which is possibly her way of deflection as aside from the swearing and bitching she has some circumstances in her own life that are certainly not vanilla or saintly. On the other hand she can be very easy-going and good company at times! When she started to reach out on a more social level I was aware that I felt a bit more needy and vulnerable due to my condition and definitely appreciated some of the outings she proposed. So I decided to invite her to my baby shower.

But just yesterday I had a conversation with her and felt distinctly uncomfortable as she started bitching and swearing again, asking inquisitive questions as well as drawing up doom and gloom scenarios about what 'could' happen to the baby if we don't do such and such. This was right after I gave her an invitation to the shower! I ended the conversation quite abruptly and walked away feeling really stupid for having invited her and questioning my judgment.

Oth, maybe I am just over-thinking. Maybe it's not the end of the world if she comes and it could be that I just need to handle her better by keeping a polite, personal distance in future. At the end of the day a baby shower is not a wedding or necessarily an occasion where you only have your absolute nearest and dearest, but can include colleagues and people who have shown general female support...If I were to disinvite, I'm afraid I would simply just tell her it was cancelled, or similar...or at least perhaps ask her to tone down the language as said family member would not be too pleased?!

Why have you invited someone you clearly don’t like or respect very much?

With friends as judgemental as you who needs enemies?

This person has reached out and supported you and all you do is complain that they sweat and gossip.

I would suggest you don't reverse the invite and accept the fact that not everyone is perfect and nobody goes to an event like this to find fault in the other guests.

Just tell her it’s off.

You’re overthinking.
It’s an invitation to a baby shower, it’s not like you’re considering entering a relationship with her.

Disinviting someone is very, very mean

You can't do that. You must have known she was "gossipy and bitchy" before you invited her.

Thanks for the responses! What I may not have conveyed clearly is that the bitchiness and gossip has always made me have my guard up because my instincts told me to question her sincerity towards me in the first place and I was warned about her by others (mainly male colleagues) - I did not necessarily see her as being altruistically and selflessly supportive due to what I had perceived previously and how she befriends people according to who is on her 'side'. Our whole 'friendship' got off to a slightly shaky start as she kept digging to see if I was still friends with a former colleague who left and who she was calling the "c" word over and over, I guess to see how I would react. If I tried to stick up for this person and say that I had no issue with her she would get very angry. Because of her position in the workplace I have tended to try to stay on her good side as history shows she could very easily turn on me if she wanted to and just make working with her unpleasant. So correct, no one is perfect and I am certainly not, but in normal circumstances I would definitely draw the line of any sort of friendship beyond work with this person.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider Very true, I did know this, which is why I am sort of kicking myself now as I have only myself to blame for feeling the way that I do about the invite!

@Dotcheck Also true, we are not entering a relationship, guess I just felt sensitive and self-protective about including her in this. But her invite shall remain!

I don't see any reason why you can't simply say "by the way, you will tone down the language at the baby shower, won't you? There will be people there who would be uncomfortable otherwise. Thanks for understanding."

After the shower, I suggest you stop socialising with her. Remain polite and professional at work.

Are you concerned about how she will behave at the baby shower - do you perhaps come from a cultural background where swearing is strongly disapproved of, for example?

I find it hard to empathise directly as I swear loads, as do my family and friends, but I can imagine a possible awkwardness, especially if it's going to be a small baby shower.

In terms of the tendency to gossip and bitchiness, sure it's a reason not to get too close to her if you don't enjoy these traits - but I doubt she will be bitching about work colleagues at the shower, if you and she are the only people from your work there.....

Your comments about her "non vanilla" lifestyle actually make her sound quite fun to me! But you sound like you disapprove of stuff she is up to? Is this because it is stuff you find morally wrong, or it's just not your cup of tea?

Either way, I doubt she will be getting up to her non-vanilla antics (whatever they are) at your baby shower. (Now that would be some baby shower!)

So all in all, I would say let her attend, unless the swearing is a specific problem in your culture and going to cause massive offence to your family. If that is the case, either lie and say the shower is off (dishonest but less hurtful). Or explain the swearing dilemma honestly and ask her to tone it down.

@Ilovelurchers Thanks for your thoughtful and broad-minded response. because this is an incredibly small place I will refrain from going into any identifiable detail as far as poss, but yes the family member who is hosting is a "good Christian lady" of a different culture that tends to be on the more conservative (and in some ways more judgmental!) side. She's also very much in her golden years.

In terms of this colleague's non-vanilla antics, it is stuff I morally disapprove of (think married men). I feel a bit sorry for her on one level but then again, she's possibly had a more fun life than I have!

I think I feel confident enough to as light-heartedly as possible ask her to tone down the swearing, thank you.

I am of mixed heritage but due to mum's influence, had a British conservative upbringing where I was taught that it was not "ladylike" :)

@Gazelda, thank you, I agree with both your points.

She’s invited now so I wouldn’t disinvite her. It’ll be fine op if anything I’d jokily so to this colleague that no swearing please because of the host 😆 she might actually be ok in that group anyway

@Newnamenewname109870 The hostess herself would soon set her straight come to think of it ! :)

Why did you feel.the need to mention she was childless?

Why did you feel.the need to mention she was childless?

What a fuss about nothing! You invited her, not sure why, so get in with it.

This would be the height of rudeness on your part

@Brightbear Er, not really - it's my first pregnancy, feeling a bit overly sensitive and self-protective (and possibly irrational) undoubtedly, but there are cultural, familial and professional aspects of my life all overlapping here (in a very small place) which I explained above. What I do agree with is yes, I invited her!

So why did you invite her? If it’s your first pregnancy and your over sensitive?

it’s a couple of hours, you’ll all survive, I’m sure.

This woman has started saying what could go wrong with the baby if "we" don't do certain things. She sounds weird!

She is older than me and not married and without children. That's not an issue then why bring it up?

Well you are the one invited her - and I'm sure even "Christian ladies" could tolerate a bit of robust language, and have a mouth to speak up if not!

Disinviting her would be so mean and rude. I was once disinvited from a Christmas work lunch that I really didn't want to go to anyway - I laughed and was relieved, but it's one hell of a snub!

She's coming - get over it. Though I don't know why a woman in her situation would have any interest in a baby shower!

I think accept you've made a bit of a mistake in bringing her into your home life as she isn't your sort of person but it is your mistake so don't uninvite her, that would be rude. Once the baby shower is over, no need to include her in anything else and you can cool things off to just being polite colleagues but perhaps best not to make it a 'thing' or lie about cancelling as you have to work with her.

I wouldn't like the part about catastrophising about your baby either.

I'd let her know no need to bring a present if you're not planning to stay in touch much. She probably knows to tone down the swearing at family gatherings so will prob be ok.

Just lightheartedly say you thought you should warn her in advance that some of the ladies attending are a bit funny about swearing and you wouldn’t want her to feel awkward

You say she's bitchy then literally write an anonymous thread about her slagging her off... Bit hypocritical?

@Frogmila, thanks, I agree this is the best approach and I own my mistake. The title of this post should more reasonably have been "AIBU to feel like disinviting my colleague even though I wouldn't really!" Work will also be doing something for me so I already told her there's no need for her to bring anything extra to this shower. I've irrationally let it consume me since the conversation I mentioned but feeling much better about the whole thing today after a good night's sleep!

@Brightbear I already explained why I invited her! I understand that not all readers will have the patience to absorb the full context or relate to my personal reasons for why it is I invited her. If only I had more of your sense and fortitude, but there it is.

@begaydocrime42 I didn't realise MumsNet was a forum where one could not air concerns about another's behaviour within a given context! Maybe you interpret "slagging off" in broad terms, however I wouldn't have gone into the detail about generally feeling a bit conflicted over her personality if I just wanted a good old bitchfest. And you're right, it's anonymous, thought that was the whole point, and thank goodness for that!