Holidaying with mil

[ManyClouds]

I have the chance to go or not go on a long weekend break with my dh and 2 young children.
Relationship with mil is polite and remains on the surface. There is history (usual family dynamic stuff) but no big fall outs but it’s sadly a fragile relationship.
Like an elephant in the room.
There is also friction between mil and dh at present. I think this holiday could go one way or another. It could benefit us all but if it should take a negative turn I think it could be disastrous.
I am being given the chance no to go although I think my dh wants me to come but won’t admit it. I think it might be good for him and mil to have 1-2-1 time.
I worry I may become a scapegoat if it takes a turn but I am trying to exercise damage control.
I think my children will find it odd and I worry I am missing out on memories with them by trying to do ‘possibly’ the right thing.

Just looking for advice as I am very 50/50 about it all.

How old are the kids?

You say they are young kids but if they are both under 4 then I'd go, if for no other reason than you can each have a child to look after and make your excuses to the 'group' if you needed to slip away. If there is only your DH there with the kids he's pretty stuck.

If they are between 5-9 yrs old then I'd say, you could make up a reason why mummy can't go on holidays with daddy and granny and they would have to just take it at face value.

If they're 10+ yrs old, they probably have more of an inkling that realitionships are fragile and they may not want to go themselves.

Is there anything interesting to do/go see where the trip is?

There will be plenty to do which is a big plus. The kids will really want me there and you mention being there for support. If the tables were turned…I think dh would come for me. So these are substantial reasons to go. My reasons for bowing out are fairly understandable but are more ‘what ifs’. However, if the ‘what ifs’ come to fruition I will massively regret going.

I unfortunately won’t go into detail as I am trying to keep anonymity. Mil has a good relationship with the children. However can be good company but mercurial and outspoken.

I think I have more anxiety about going than the actually ‘not’ wanting to go.

Depends on how old the DC are really.

Imo mil wouldn't be enough to make me miss out on precious holiday time with my dc. Take any opportunity to go off and do something with dc and leave dh to cope with her alone... She can spend time with her dc while you do the same!

Two thoughts:
With 3 adults if 1 (MIL) is fiery, there is a risk of triangulation, i.e. 2 people turning on 1.

Also, I would actually be tempted to go and to do my best to make it work.
IF mil behaves and IF it goes well (the onus and pressure is on her to be good) then it bodes well for her for more trips in future. If she doesn’t behave well, then you have your legitimate excuse for next time and going forwards.

It's really tricky. I think it all depends on your relationship with your DH. To what extent does he recognise and/or deal with any problem behaviour? I would probably sit down with him and say you want to decide together. Discuss possible issues and how you'll both react to them. Discuss methods of calming things. Make sure he knows you are going into the weekend with a genuine desire to build a better relationship, and that he understands that if things do deteriorate instead that you have tried not to let that happen.

If DH is not able to see what's happening, or doesn't feel able to discuss a plan in advance, that does make it more difficult.

Thank you for all your replies. They’re hugely appreciated. Deep down I would really regret missing the time with the children and would hate for dh to feel unsupported. In some way by not going it will not help relations either.
A plan before we go is a good idea and I will need to try be stoic. Or at least tell my face that.

Let kids go with Gran and Dad.

We had trips to Scarborough like that when I was a kid, albeit with Mum's family and my Dad doing his own thing.

My Mum had similar when she was a kid.

We then did it with my kids and their cousins and Gran in the nineties/noughties.

Unbeatable for childhood memories of what holidays should be.