Asking for an undertaking

[shhhhbaby]

My son's dad has a history of refusing to return him during school holidays despite court ordered contact. I have no doubt he does this to assert power and control. Over the last two summer holidays, he has kept our son for three weeks without agreement and became threatening over the phone.

This year, I engaged a solicitor to ask for a written undertaking that he will return him following their holiday abroad. He has written back to the solicitor refusing to do this and with a whole slew of bizarre allegations that bare no resemblance to what reality. I know this is part of the narcissist playbook and he's doing it because he can't quite believe I'm standing up for myself finally.

I can't stand court and find it incredibly traumatising and it's been financially ruining. All I wanted is an assurance. I see no reason for him not to undertake that our six year old will be returned home following their holiday. I feel like I'm being fairly reasonable. I've not said no despite his previous behaviour. What should I do now he won't undertake to bring him back?

Don't let him go on the first place!

Can you refuse to allow him to go?

Who holds the passport?

I have the passport. I can refuse as I have a residence order which means his dad needs my permission to leave the country. He would then have to apply for a specific issue order. I don't get why he wouldn't just confirm in writing our son will be brought back from their two week holiday and not kept for the duration of the six weeks until school returns. What on earth does he get out of it.

Grand there you go so, crisis averted. Do not hand over the passport and do not let him take the child anywhere. It is all just a control thing.

So do not give permission and do not hand over the passport. Let him apply to court for a specific issues order regarding the holiday and if agreed, request an undertaking for him to return DS to you afterwards be part of the order.

Yes, just refuse to let him go.
two can play at that game.

I've had something similar before. It's power games. If he has every intention why shouldn't he sign an undertaking. Refuse and call his bluff.

I know you say you can’t stand court but in my experience the only way you put someone like this in their place is if you call their bluff and then keep going.

If he won’t sign it, you escalate. If he escalates you keep escalating. That’s the only language he understands and that he won’t be expecting.

An undertaking means nothing if you don’t enforce it tbh. So if he gives you an undertaking and still doesn’t return him, what would you realistically do?

Just say no. He's playing a game of chicken with you.

You already have the passport. You have the power. You don't need an undertaking. (Which would be meaningless)

If he has previously not returned your son, why would you give him the passport. Let him take you to court. Explain to a court why you're not giving him the passport.

oh god. this has red flags all over. there is no way in hell i would be letting him take ur child abroad, he has no respect for u not a single bit. do not hand over the passport. let him take u to court, or do u want to be in court abroad when he disappears and u spend ur life hunting ur child down.

What difference would him giving an undertaking make?
He'd still do as he likes surely?

He is but surely his refusal to give a written undertaking is indicative of his intentions? Why wouldn't you do this if your intention was just to take a holiday and return our child as agreed?

Because he has no intention of returning the child. He does this to upset you - and he knows it works.

I'd refuse to allow the child to go to his dad AT ALL until the last 10 days of the holiday period. They can then have their holiday and he presumably will return him in time for school - where you can pick him up on day 1 if need be.

To add a development to this, I've now found out from my solicitor that he's said he'll only sign an agreement once I've signed his agreement. I asked me solicitor what his agreement was given I had no idea. Turns out he needs to draft one. Feels more about his sense of power and authority. But also in response to my request, he's now lodged another application with the family courts. I had a Barring Order which expired a few months ago. In the two years of the barring order, he's attempted to take me to court 3 times, all rejected. His application states I'm terrorising him and his wife and unborn child in seeking assurances he will bring him back. He's also asked the judge who presided over our cases over the last five years recuse himself (presumably because he's lost every time). I'm scared of court but less so this time because I don't think I've done anything wrong. Do people think the court would see that?

Let him take you to court. Let the judge hand him his arse. He is being ridiculous.