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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreciprocated gestures

25 replies

honeycookies · 27/06/2023 02:09

I’m mainly thinking of work as an example, but I can think of things from my personal life too.

When people have left work in my team in the past, I tend to get them a card and get the office to sign it at work for them. I have also seen plenty of other teams in the office do this for other staff members so it’s a normal occurrence when I’m not involved.

Now I am due to leave this workplace shortly and although I have friends at work, it seems that no one has got a card for me. I’m not that fussed but it does make me think - what am I missing that others have, as they’re seemingly worth the effort & I’m not? it’s a bit sad thinking back to all the times others have left and had some acknowledgement but I’m not worth it.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 27/06/2023 02:11

Oh that isn’t nice. Is today your last day then?

Mothership4two · 27/06/2023 02:11

If you haven't left yet how do you know they haven't got you a card/present?

CoralBells · 27/06/2023 02:17

They might surprise you

Original poster
honeycookies · 27/06/2023 02:27

I finish on Friday but someone on my team is off for the rest of the week. He said bye to me today and mentioned he didn’t sign a card.

I recall managers/others in team asking I would like to sign someone else’s card before I go on leave in the past, which makes me think nothing’s been arranged for me.

A lot of people are on leave from Wednesday onwards due to Eid including my manager, so I reckon they would have asked this colleague to sign if there was a card somewhere.

OP posts:
Zuyi · 27/06/2023 02:31

Don't take it personally. They're probably just used to being passive and having someone else arrange things for them. Some people are just like that. You are not, and that's great about you!

Murdoch1949 · 27/06/2023 04:14

Not everyone is as thoughtful as you. Just remember that you are a kind person and think of others. That's the important thing.

red78hot · 27/06/2023 05:34

That's shit, I know how you feel, I'm just returning after maternity and my 25th "anniversary " at work was a couple of weeks ago, there's usually a card etc for 10, 15, 20 etc, I guess being on maternity means it doesn't really count.

Newnamehiwhodis · 27/06/2023 05:39

If you’re the one who usually got the card, they may simply not be as organized or thoughtful as you.

it’s sad, and YANBU to feel down about it, but at the same time. It’s not a measure of your worth. No one has something you don’t - they all do not have what you do have, which is the kindness and thoughtfulness to put energy into getting a card and get everyone to sign it.

don’t expect you from other people - they may simply not be as thoughtful. Sorry, OP

RedNosedReindeer · 27/06/2023 05:41

I’ve found in some workplaces that it’s often not the actually place of work that organise these things but thoughtful people, like OP, who get people to sign cards etc and do a thoughtful gesture. After that, other teams see that and also feel that they need to do the same. But one that lovely, thoughtful person leaves, it’s rare that their gestures are reciprocated and now all of a sudden nobody does anything because they don’t feel the need to as nobody else is doing it Confused

Yabbadabbadotime · 27/06/2023 07:03

Most people are really disorganised about this stuff, don't especially care about it themselves and so don't realise others care. Truly.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 27/06/2023 07:10

In most workplaces it's one person who takes it upon themselves to sort a card - it's nothing to do with management so try not to take it personally.

Plasticplantpot · 27/06/2023 07:45

That’s sad and hardly makes you feel like part of the team, does it? I think managers often underestimate this kind of thing. My own is rubbish, forgot someone’s birthday and it’s still not been acknowledged 3 months on! Her own birthday tho, don’t we all know that’s coming up?!

lanthanum · 27/06/2023 07:54

I worked in a department where someone was delegated to be responsible for organising birthday cards, which meant nobody was missed out - but of course someone else had to be responsible for that person's birthday.

ButterCrackers · 27/06/2023 07:59

Most people just can’t be bothered to think of others and sort out polite and team building gestures such as thank yous and birthdays. It’s lovely that you are a kind and thoughtful person. This is a rare quality nowadays .

kelsaycobbles · 27/06/2023 08:12

Someone else always sorts the cards so no one remembered that someone was you

Dreamer8 · 27/06/2023 08:27

I also think it's far too early to assume you have no card! A lot can happen between Monday and Friday.

GlassWall · 27/06/2023 08:36

Yabbadabbadotime · 27/06/2023 07:03

Most people are really disorganised about this stuff, don't especially care about it themselves and so don't realise others care. Truly.

Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever had a leaving card when leaving a job, including one I’d been in over a decade, or a card when I went on mat leave. It certainly didn’t bother me.

Plus, if you’re the one who usually does cards, OP, it won’t necessarily have even occurred to anyone else.

Thereshegoesagain · 27/06/2023 08:37

You know what. I'd send a card round for yourself, just leave it on someone desk. I bet everyone will sign it. They probably care as much as they do for anyone else leaving, they just never have had to think about organising anything, because you do it.
You're the one that always starts something like this, so it probably doesn't occur to anyone to do it (which is shit).
It'll probably be the last card that ever gets sent round because you'll be gone.

Original poster
honeycookies · 27/06/2023 14:16

to be honest I’m just counting down the minutes til I leave! Someone did send a message in the group chat on teams congratulating me so there’s that

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 27/06/2023 17:00

I think some people always assume someone else will pick up this type of task.

Original poster
honeycookies · 27/06/2023 17:44

perhaps. I’m staying in the same company on promotion. I hope none of these people bother messaging me for a chat for a favour going forward. I’m ready to just leave them in the past if this is what they think of me.

OP posts:
GlassWall · 27/06/2023 20:17

honeycookies · 27/06/2023 17:44

perhaps. I’m staying in the same company on promotion. I hope none of these people bother messaging me for a chat for a favour going forward. I’m ready to just leave them in the past if this is what they think of me.

That seems a wild overreaction.

If you’re staying within the company, surely that makes it more explicable that you didn’t get a card, as you’re not actually leaving for a different organisation, or part of the world?

GracePalmer33 · 28/06/2023 09:04

I've generally signed leaving cards the day they were leaving or the day before. I would only be given it the day I was leaving too.
Though you're not leaving the company so people just might not have thought about a leaving card.

Mothership4two · 29/06/2023 02:13

@GlassWall

If you’re staying within the company, surely that makes it more explicable that you didn’t get a card, as you’re not actually leaving for a different organisation, or part of the world?

^^ this

I don't think I have ever signed a leaving card or contributed to a present for someone who moved within the company/organisation

coxesorangepippin · 29/06/2023 02:21

This usually happens to me

I just end up giving up really, as no-one else seems to bother!

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