DS10 has aspergers, and quite typically is intellectual, speaks with adult vocabulary and can talk endlessly about a preferred topic. He has dyspraxia so cant do much sports wise so between this and some stimming behaviours and a tendency to get upset about rules, you can imagine he finds it hard to keep friends, although he is not unpopular as he is very funny.
There is a kid H who lives a few doors up that is DS's BF since they were little and they have common interests. I'll be honest, I never liked H, he is loud and obnoxious and has been rude to me, but DS always enjoyed him so we have a very open door policy. H hangs out here a lot as he is the eldest of a large family, whereas DS is my youngest. His parents seem quiet but nice and his mother has always been really grateful for allowing him to be here. As the years have gone by it became apparent H has some sort of SEN and DS told me he goes on breaks with SEN team but not at the same time as him. H's behaviour is often strange and inappropriate but I make allowances. Sometimes he loses his temper and shouts at DS, then runs home and occasionally he has hit him on the arm. I have berated him for this and on occasion DS has told him he doesn't want to play today as he was hit etc but hours later DS wants to call and tell him something so off he goes. I was glad DS had a friend so figured he must be ok with this.
There is a class bully (isn't there always), with a group of minions who laugh along. He is not a violent angry kid, more of the type to pull your hat off and throw it around and say he was only joking, you know the type. Lately he has been targeting DS and it only became apparent recently it was much more serious and constant than I realised. I have now learned H is part of his gang, laughing along and calling DS names, then he calls over here after school like nothing happened. I know for a fact last year H had a very hard time with the same bully so I feel on some level its a case of protecting himself and joining in.
I recently had a meeting with the school about the bullying stuff and they mentioned that H was the kid they had most issue with. They keep him away from DS as he hits him a lot and shouts at him, they also intentionally do not take breaks together. They were really shocked the boys are friends outside school, they found it hard to understand why DS tolerated this. I was shocked too, and now I'm not sure what to do. I feel bad I didn't know and recognise the issues sooner.
Should I let DS choose his own friends, do I tell H why we think he needs to back off until he changes his behaviour, or do I have a frank discussion with H's mother. I'm so confused. All advice much appreciated.