I feel like I get the scraps and I’m worried about my DP. I’m 6 weeks pregnant with DC2. DP has a demanding job, and a lot of responsibilities. I am worried he’s stretching himself too thin, and also on a selfish level I am exhausted/miss him.
On a typical day he starts work anytime between 7-9am. He works from home most of the time with the occasional day at the office, though the company wants people in the office more.
He then works through, very occasionally with a lunch break but usually a quick 5 minutes/or if very busy he eats at his desk or doesn’t eat at all. He then works through, and finishes anytime between about 8:30-11pm.
DD is 2 and comes home at 4:30. I cook dinner, do bathtime, bedtime etc. I get frustrated as he will often say he’ll cook dinner, wants the break etc. but loses track of time, and by 6pm when I go up to check on him he basically asks if I can cook - which is fine but it would be nice to know earlier, I’m then rushing to cook with a tired toddler who is ready for her dinner so I can try and fit in bathtime etc. When I cook I’ll ask if he wants to stop and join us to eat - again he’ll often say “down in 5” and then appear anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half later, so I have stopped waiting for him and we just eat alone.
DD adores him and is upset and unsettled when she can’t see him in the evening - this is better when he’s at the office but she still struggles and asks for him at bedtime, dinner time etc.
He also has parents in their mid seventies who are becoming quite dependant for help with various tasks - buying things online, downloading apps, forgetting passwords for emails. I am concerned that there are memory issues/the beginning of dementia happening as there is lots of forgetfulness etc. but they refuse to go to the doctors. While these sound like small tasks they take hours and are very stressful for all involved - he finished work at 9:30pm the other night, then spent an hour on the phone talking them through downloading something on their phone, as they all got progressively more stressed. By then it was 10:30 - I’m in the first trimester, exhausted and wanted to go to bed but had literally not had a moment with him all day.
Today he’s worked from 9am - 8:30. Said he’d cook dinner at lunchtime, then at 5:30 said he wouldn’t be able to, and would I order a takeaway. I’ve been struggling to cook for the last week - suffering badly with nausea and the smells make me sick. Food arrived at 6:15, by which time DD was shattered. He came down at 6:30/6:40, and we had finished eating so then sit at the table having finished our meal with him. DD was clingy and wanted to be with him, so he did take a break and took her for a walk for 20 minutes before going back to work. At 8:30 he finished, came down and has now left to go to his parents to feed the cat as they are away. It’s about a 20 minute drive so he won’t be home until 9:30. I’m up early tomorrow, shattered already and will be wanting to go to bed by 10! He did say to me as he was leaving that things would get better, it wouldn’t be like this when the baby arrives and he will be on hand to help. I don’t know how much of this I can believe, and am worried about doing all the evenings by myself with a toddler and newborn.
I appreciate none of this is fun for him either, and he must be exhausted. I just worry that it’s going to get later and later - he is easily stressed/a big worrier and can be quite anxious. He was completely burned out a couple of years ago and ended up taking a career break as it all became too much, but has now gone back into the same field at a different company. I think he is trying to be everything for everyone, and worry that it’s all going to be too much for him. A month or so ago it was common for him to finish somewhere between 5:30-7, which wasn’t too bad as we then had a bit of time as a family before bedtime.
I just miss my DP and worry that we will all really struggle with the arrival of the new baby - I am usually very on top of things, but have been feeling wretched so far this pregnancy and doing less and you can really tell! He picks up the slack where he can but there are not enough hours in the day. I also don’t want to spend the very limited time we have together at the end of the day tidying/cleaning etc. Even when he does come down for dinner, I can tell his mind is on other things - he will stop talking mid sentence, be checking his work phone or jump up to take a work call.
I don’t know what the solution is. Do I just have to accept that this is how life is/will be? I have tried desperately to get him to seek some counselling and support for the anxiety around work and he says he will but it doesn’t happen. He is caring, loving, dotes on DD and I (when he is around!). But gives 120% of himself to work, leaving me to carry everything else myself. I love him, and am genuinely worried about him, but don’t want to add even more stress by complaining about the situation as he is incredibly stressed with work most of the time. I am having a tough time with this pregnancy so far and feeling really sick and awful, which may be making me feel worse about the whole situation than I normally would.