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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frustrating BIL asking about pregnancy. AIBU to be angry?

36 replies

moaningmyrtle4 · 26/06/2023 16:26

I was adopted at birth as my mother had several miscarriages and was unable to carry to term. All good on this front, I even met my birth mother and have a great relationship with them and I see that side of the family as long lost cousins!

Separately, I have been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease which means getting pregnant leaves me open to many many risks (such as kidney failure) and I do not want to risk it. I also don't feel particularly maternal or desperate to give birth. If it gets 'too late', I want to adopt anyways.

Now comes to the moan. My very traditional (i.e women should stay home after kids) BIL who just had a baby cornered me at a family event to proceed to tell me how my fertility is going off a cliff, how I would feel maternal as soon as I gave birth, how I shouldn't be waiting, how his kid needs cousins. i tried to swerve him off course but he would not stop bleating on.

Note this is the brother who said my dh is being emasculated as I earn more than dh!

This is not the first time. He has continually asked my husband (his brother) and my dad (super insensitive history considered).

AIBU to be angry to the point of confronting him?
I am very independent and hate being seen as just a womb. argh!!!

OP posts:
Wimpeyspread · 26/06/2023 16:31

I think I would tell him to fuck off and mind his own business - why does he think he has any say in your life choices?

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/06/2023 16:33

What the fuck???

Your BIL sounds like a complete arsehole. I would be sorely tempted to tell him to piss off and mind his own business, then distance myself from him.

But I suppose it depends in part what your DH's relationship with his brother is like.

If your DH wants to continue having a relationship with his brother, then I would suggest you learn how to "grey rock" your BIL from now on. (Look up Grey Rock Technique.) You really don't need people like that in your life.

ChittyBangabang · 26/06/2023 16:33

A firm "I've not asked your opinion and I don't want it, please do not bring this up again".

If he does, then revert to feck off

Nowvoyager99 · 26/06/2023 16:35

Agree with PP.

Fuck off is a perfectly reasonable response in this situation.

Whendoesmydietstart · 26/06/2023 16:36

Yabu not to let your knee make swift contact with his balls. Get tougher op, don't skirt around being polite, he was being incredibly rude to you, so next time put your hand in front of his face and say "I'll stop you there".

HelplessSoul · 26/06/2023 16:39

Tell him to go fuck a goat.

MeridianB · 26/06/2023 16:47

Seriously? He's cornering you to harrass you - and your father- about your fertility, and demanding a cousin for his baby?

What does your DH say about this?

He needs to be told how unforgivably rude he's been and apologise sincerely to you before you should even consider being in the same room as him again.

AliceOlive · 26/06/2023 16:56

Try telling him “your attention is making me uncomfortable” every time he tries to discuss personal matters.

Devonshiregal · 26/06/2023 16:57

I think ask him - do you think I’m just a walking womb? Just stare blankly at him thereafter. Also tell your husband to stand up to his brother and shut him down

ThunderStormPlease · 26/06/2023 16:58

Tell him that his obsession with your womb is making you uncomfortable loudly in front of the rest of the family.

OhBling · 26/06/2023 17:02

I'm amazed you weren't extremely rude and blunt in the moment. It's totally inappropriate.

Although, having said that, I've tried being blunt when being mansplained about fertility issues and he just carried on. So maybe your BIL is someone I know!?

I'd stick with the "BIL, this has nothing to do with you please stop it" and then, if that doesn't work, go for embarrassing in public. eg, over the dinner table, "ooh, BIL is STILL hounding me about getting pregnant... hahahahaha. SIL, how do you cope with his weird obsession with other people's fertility?"

massiveclamps · 26/06/2023 17:03

Is there any way you could approach your MIL and ask her to have a word with him?

bussteward · 26/06/2023 17:05

Kick him in the nads and tell him you’re sending his fertility over the cliff, pal.

Alargeoneplease89 · 26/06/2023 17:05

Just tell him you are going for the seahorse style and his brother will be carrying .... sometimes answering dumb people with dumb answers is best.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/06/2023 17:05

How did you not headbutt him? What a stupid twat he is. An embarrassment.

AliceOlive · 26/06/2023 17:06

“Tell us more about how women feel, John!”

Topseyt123 · 26/06/2023 17:07

Very rude of him, and absolutely none of his business.

He'd get very short shrift from me and would certainly be made to regret asking the question. I'd do it loudly and in front of everyone so that they could all hear about what a twat he was being.

My response would be a firm (and loud) "bugger off with the personal questions, I do not have to answer to you for my life choices."

Sudename · 26/06/2023 17:10

Go fuck yourself would be my reply

pigsDOfly · 26/06/2023 17:10

Stop being polite and trying to swerve him off course.

With someone like you need to be firm and blunt.

'I'm not interested in your opinions on my fertility and life choices' or something similar makes it clear without sinking to his level, and then walk away.

He's not bothered about being extremely invasive and rude to you so why do you feel you have to be tactful towards him.

He's an oaf, and unless you make it clear to him he won't get the message.

2bazookas · 26/06/2023 17:12

LOUD VOICE in public

" Bil, it's great that you're so open about reproduction and interested in our sex life. It's made me wonder about yours, so can I ask a few questions about yours

" Was your baby was naturally inseminated? Couldn't help noticing you're quite small down there. "

(Rest of the questions to be written by MN)

Timeforabiscuit · 26/06/2023 17:14

Fight fire with fucking fire! The raginging misogyny of it! I'd suggest dh deploying misandry on your behalf! My comments below are meant to be parallel to what I expect he is saying about women.

And how is your erection these days john? Erectile dysfunction really isn't anything to be squeamish about even at your age,

What about the hair loss? What you haven't noticed the patch at the back?

Time to get the just for men out isn't ?

Drinking again John, that middle age spread isn't going away!

How about you needing the loo at night, your prostate must need checking?

In the real world I can't understand how your Bil isn't under a patio!

Topseyt123 · 26/06/2023 17:15

I should add that I really don't see why you want to be tactful when he is hardly being tactful to you. In fact, he is being a busybody and totally inappropriate.

How the hell have you refrained from putting this ignorant twat through the wall?

Appleblossompetal · 26/06/2023 17:16

how his kid needs cousins

What an entitled dick. Someone needs to tell him to fuck the fuck off. Ideally his brother, but if not damn well go for it.

Maray1967 · 26/06/2023 17:16

bussteward · 26/06/2023 17:05

Kick him in the nads and tell him you’re sending his fertility over the cliff, pal.

Best response.

whynotwhatknot · 26/06/2023 17:20

Does your dh know get him to have a word its his brother