AIBU for feeling unable to play fake with fake at work?

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I’m having a mild emotional imbalance at the moment. I’m fed up of my manager. She’s coming across fake and I’m too mentally drained to try and play her at her own game. It’s not fun playing fake with fake because I’m just too honest.

1. She told me I could get a promotion when I was planning to move schools. She did this before speaking to the upper management and they said no so nothing was ever said again.

1. She absolutely hates our co worker as she does nothing. But she pretends to be her best friend but comes to me to complain after each meeting.
2. She messages the group chat and again acts like the co workers best friend and always says love you babe but moans the very next second to me.
3. She was bitter that I got positive feedback and gave me negative feedback a day later for no apparent reason. Sent me a written form of feedback which was very passive aggressive.
4. She’s planning to recruit. We’re about to teach a new unit. I’ve planned it along with the intro sessions, read the texts cover to cover and made detailed plans and now. because there’s a new recruit, she wants to use his experience that’s in a completely different author that I’ve not read. Which I understand, but it’s unfair imo I worked hard on it.
5. I’m pretty much doing her job.
6. I feel like I may sound unreasonable, but I’m very much fed up. I even made a sarcastic comment. She said “well this lady had a phd in x authors literary works but she might consider the unit you wanted to do.” So I said “I have an English degree. But if someone tells me to do maths. I’m not agreeing” so her response was “ohhh not the same at all is it” I nearly lost my cool and walked off.
7. The worst and most unprofessional part, she screenshot a Snapchat msg then sent me an image of a colleague who went out the weekend, and said “she’s out” don’t know whether or was to instigate me being rude. But I never replied. She also sends tik toks about hating a co worker.

10.She rang me the other day and I couldn’t answer. She said she’s really thankful I work there and that I’m appreciated and that I help her through the day and without me she’d struggle and thanks for being a great colleague and mate. Which totally contradicts her email she once sent me.

I find it all mega contradictory. It makes 0 sense to me and I don’t really understand what to make of her. Idk if it’s toxic positivity or just plain manipulation but I’m really exhausted of it and had to take a step back as we got on really well until recently I don’t feel I can trust her.

What do you make of this from the outside looking in. Do I trust her? Or take a step back as I have.

You go to work, do your job, behave in a way that's professional, and you grey rock her on the unprofessional topics.

You don't need to play fake with fake. You need to play fake with professional and civil behaviour.

It sounds like she's too inexperienced and immature for the job (is she a school HoD from your posts?)

I do my best to remain neutral and not be drawn into it, as I fear that if it’s happening to another colleague it could happen to anyone. But at times I feel rather stuck and have started to actively not even speak when the conversation arises.

In my experience I’d say this kind of behaviour wasn’t in common in academia. There’s often a lot of jealousy and competitiveness that’s shrouded under the guise of friendship.

*un

I think the OP works in a school?

You’re right, I even read school in the OP, I don’t know why I read university in my head!

Are you teachers?

You all sound like immature teenagers tbh.

This.
Though how the fuck you'd have time as a teacher to even think any of this shit is mind-boggling.
I'll apply there though. I'd like to spend all day badmouthing colleagues and pulling their pigtails.

If she’s talking about your colleague to you, she’s almost certainly saying the same things about you to her. I have a neighbour friend like this, she’s the village gossip and can drone on for hours about people I don’t know and will never meet, and never ever in a complimentary way. I once said, quite mildly, “I dread to think what you say about me behind my back”, and she blustered/flustered “Oh I’d never say anything about YOU!” but we both know the truth.

I do my best to remain neutral and not be drawn into it, as I fear that if it’s happening to another colleague it could happen to anyone. But at times I feel rather stuck and have started to actively not even speak when the conversation arises
In my experience with school gossips, they gossip about everyone. It's no different to other workplaces.

Some people are unprofessional and thrive on drama.

In several schools I found the best thing now is to identify those people and avoid them. I found people like that couldn't even be part of professional conversations without stirring so I kept my engagement minimal with them.

I am sometimes tempted to tell people like that an outrageous lie about myself, and see how long it takes before someone else mentions it to me…

Well exactly, I was discussing this issue with someone else at work who works in a different dept now and they said they were suffocated by the messages from the HOD and in the end had to be allocated to 70% in another dept to avoid it and is now looking at leaving.

But even when speaking to them , there seems to be no professionalism going on in the workplace and I and this colleague were discussing how initially HOD didn’t like my approach with the kids as I’m fairly firm with the policy and stick to it firmly. And her words were “see the issue is when people first join everyone hates the new person. Particularly if they’re harsh here and consistent. So of course yourself and (another colleague) we’re seen as harsh when you all first started.”

Effectively it all feels so toxic. In the end when she asked if I’d be thinking of leaving I said “I suppose I’m going to be thinking of it now everyone hates me”

She then said “it’s not about you, it was about the approach. Just that you were “too harsh”.

I’m extremely exhausted of the constant nonsense that happens here. Can’t do right from wrong.

I have a vague feeling it's actually illegal to screenshot snapchats?

OP, re: the rest of it you need to read up on the drama triangle and stop chasing her round it. Your "now everyone hates me" is classic victim behaviour.

https://leadershiptribe.co.uk/blog/the-drama-triangle-explained#:~:text=The%20Drama%20Triangle%20was%20first,and%20ineffective%20response%20to%20conflict.

Take the high road.

Very. So I didn’t reply or entertain it.

In all honesty. I’ve kept out of it. I don’t insert myself anymore.

It really isn’t

I’ve dealt with this in the past by giving zero personal information at all ever, focusing on the job, solving the problem rather than bitching and rising above it.

”sorry but I don’t gossip Sandra. I am a little busy now, was there anything work related you wanted to discuss?”

She’ll hate you for it but she can’t manipulate you any more.

Re authors and doing all the work- let it go. It’s deliberate.

There’s a dignity in removing your actual personality and being inaccessible socially to her..

Yep. I’m doing this moving forward. She rang me to gossip tonight about the other colleague. I said “yes I’m aware”
her: “next thing it’s off sick till September”
me: “oh well. They might surprise you. I’m off to have a run. See you tomorrow morning. Goodnight”
her: no reply.

HURRAH! Also I did totally ignore and that didn’t work at all because the messages wouldn’t stop. May have to hit the block button.