Ex Husband putting his own needs first

[Coffeeandacatchup]

We share a 12 year old DS who goes to his dad EOW. At last pick up, I asked EXH if he would be having DS at any point during the school summer holiday. He said no as he couldn't get the time off work. This appears to be a re-occurring issue as he couldn't have DS at Christmas last year (we take it in turns to have DS on Christmas day).

DS returns home and mentions that he had been to a visit Dads friends. He overheard his Dad saying he will be travelling abroad in August to visit his
Girlfriend. EXH is totally within his rights to have a holiday but AIBU in thinking that this shouldn't be to the detriment of spending time with his son?

My husband is telling me just to let it go as DS will soon realise for himself that his Dad puts the latest woman before him. This isn't the first time something that EXH has pulled a stunt like this but that's a whole different story.

AIBU because I am absolutely fuming!

Absolute arsehole. But presumably this is why you left him.

He appears to have had a string of girlfriends since he left me for the first one 😂

Can you for see a time in the future when you might want to change contact arrangements so that you could attend special, one off events?

One day you might have a job where you are told when you can take leave rather than choosing specific dates.

You would hate it if your ex judged whether the reasons for your requests to change dates were frivolous or selfish. Can you imagine how controlling that would feel? Your visit to a friend’s special event only being possible if your ex deems it important enough… eughhh!

He won’t see things from your perspective, that is for sure. Things need to be either ‘possible’ or ‘impossible’.

It is a normal thing to have a bit of give and take in parenting arrangements.

He has made the mistake of discussing his reasons. I would take the line of Queen Elizabeth… never explain, never complain.

Well I can see why he's an Ex

Stop letting him wind you up, ask & he says No & move on.

Your child will soon start to see him for what he is (& may already) & that will be reflected in their relationship.

I'd do the asking by email/text so you have a record of your attempts to let your child spend more time with their other parent.

You should have a better agreement over the holidays rather than just casually asking him at a pick up. He might already have had this trip booked. But he should obviously be thinking of having his child in his time off before the needs of himself and his new girlfriend. It shows what his priorities are.

He's clearly a selfish twat and you need to allow your ds to see this for himself! He will see it and realise what his dad is, no need for you to be involved at all.

If he has EOW then I think unfortunately it’s pretty common that they don’t have extra in school holidays. The only people I’ve personally known to have extra are ones who’ve used school holidays to reduce their maintenance contributions!

Hmm… the can’t be bothered ex judging the resident parent who is there 24/7 for having a day off. Are you the scummy can’t be arsed ex ?

Yanbu to be angry but your h is right. You need to let it go and realise that you can't stop your son from finding out that his dad is a dick and inevitably see him less.
It's not your fault and you need to be kinder to yourself and realise that you can't control this situation. He's not going to change because you push him into it. The more pressure you put on, the more he'll want to resist because you're his ex.

Having a holiday, reasonable, even if it is to visit the latest woman who is making a bad choice. Not telling you shortly after it is booked is unreasonable.

What an arse. Your son will know his dad chose his girlfriend over spending time with him. Don’t stress, enjoy the eow while your son will still go.

What a pig!

As frustrating as it is. Your DH is right, your son will work out for himself that his dad is a flakey parent. Leave him to dig his own grave.

YANBU ... Yes he has a right to a life and girlfriends and whatever else, absolutely nothing to do with you...except that it is because he is prioritising that over his son and his role and responsibilities as a parent. Why do these men think it's ok for you to presumably have to use all your annual leave or pay £££ for holiday childcare but they can decide they "can't" when what they actually mean is won't, they prefer to do something else.

Another deadbeat. They are everywhere.

Yeah, I can so see how an event or trip might be so important that you can't spare any time to spend with your child over their summer holiday 🙄.

The OP isn't angry for herself. It's not about being inflexible or controlling. She's angry for her son. Because he deserves a dad who makes time for him.

OP, the majority of posters are right - crap as it is, you should let it go as your son will know which parent was there for him. And he'll soon be of an age to make his own decisions about who he wants to spend time with.

YANBU he sounds incredibly selfish. He could have visited this woman in September during his Eow. He could take a couple of weeks of parental leave. So many possibilities.

This hits the nail on the head. And your DH is right, you can run in circles trying to get your ExH to do the right thing, but he won't unless he wants to, and you'll be left fuming and exhausted. Put that energy into your relationship with DC and DH and work on building self esteem and resilience in DC to lessen the fallout from having a shit dad. It's really hard, I hear you. But it's futile to try and change him, you might as well bang your head on the wall and you'll be accused of being jealous and controlling. Let him make his bed, he will have a long time to lie in it.

YABU in that you should leave it because he’s having him EOW and if you kick off you risk ruining relations with him which will be even more detrimental.