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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband is an arse, I have had enough feel bewildered

41 replies

Feelingutterlyfedup · 25/06/2023 20:35

So last night of our holiday, in a restaurant, had a sense something off kilter. Drinks brought, after a while, service admittedly not what have been used to, he has no water, or drinks after starters arrive, looking around, then stomps to bar , I could hear him from table complaining, felt really embarrassed, came back, reasonably said, so I thought, we are on holiday, is it that much of a big deal, all through dinner arguing telling me should have backed him up, said I thought he was being unreasonable, I can have a opinion, I didn't agree, staff were lovely kept asking was everything ok, told him.to shush and enjoy dinner, just then blanked me and in the end simply stalked out of restaurant telling me to get lost, eventually found him in the bar who then told me to get lost again with a parting shot to go to bed and sober up suggesting I was drunk, in fact had already suggested it was he who was tired and out of sorts, felt totally humiliated again, not the first time, what should I do, feel like this is the final straw, sat in the room and quite honestly dreading him.coming back.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 25/06/2023 21:32

I'd chalk it up to too much heat/not enough water and not start a war over it as it's the last night of your holiday, but I would start thinking about how what your boundary line is.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 25/06/2023 21:33

You have answered your own question , you say you have had enough. It won't get better, so be kind to yourself and leave him. Life is too short to be unhappy

Sandunesandseashells · 25/06/2023 21:33

Nowvoyager99 · 25/06/2023 21:23

Or worse…

Could be anything, there was a book about it; even the Ritz was included.

Feelingutterlyfedup · 25/06/2023 21:39

Hi, yes I can see the funny side of that last comment. Probably! I am on the balcony, he's back, can see he's just gone to bed, but it's not just tonight, posted as didn't think I was being unreasonable and trying to seek a view, but all tumbling out now, just feel like I am walking on eggshells and too many times I feel like this, I don't see why I should be humiliated, yes I get that to some may not be a big deal, but just another thing on top of every other thing, it's a constant stand off, I feel so wary, yes maybe this marriage has just run its course as feels like I don't have a voice or am allowed one and what is something that could been seen as trivial, yet to me it's not, yes he's now snoring his head off!! I don't like him when he's like this or when we do argue, as is happening more and more, was googling gas lighting, as when we argue, I am accused of being hysterical, always wrong, told I have anger issues, when I try and talk to him, just sits in silence and blanks me... Yes why on earth I agreed to come on this bl**dy holiday which has only been for 4 days and here we are...... is beyond me, go home tomorrow, just going to stay out of his way, pack and if he is an arse still tomorrow,which unless I apologise, he will be and I am.not doing that. Tempted not to come home on the same flight as him.

OP posts:
Sandunesandseashells · 25/06/2023 21:45

Bless you, what a waste of a holiday. Glad he’s gone to bed quietly though, I was worried he might get physical if he was angry drunk. This may be the final straw only you can decide. Did you leave a car at the airport? Don’t leave yourself stranded at the other end. Hope you get some sleep tonight. x

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/06/2023 21:49

How old are you both? Do you have children together? How long have you been married?

TheTellTaleHeart · 25/06/2023 21:57

Hi @Feelingutterlyfedup Can I summarise the things that jump out to me from your posts?

  1. if I disagree with him or don’t do want he wants he gets angry
  2. I feel like I’m going crazy
  3. he blames me for everything/says everything is my fault
  4. he punishes me with silent treatment when he doesn’t get his own way
  5. he’s so different to the man I married, I don’t recognise him

if those themes play out through your whole relationship, then that’s emotional/psychological abuse. Check the women’s aid or refuge site if you’re not sure. Then make a plan to leave.

People will tell you to “ride it out” or “let it go” but a lot of people haven’t experienced abuse, and imagine it’ll all go away if you sit down and have a chat or some counselling. It’s been 30 years. It’s not gotten any better every time you’ve let it go has it?

jeaux90 · 25/06/2023 22:29

Yes OP it is gaslighting.

Walking on eggshells all the time and not being allowed to have an opinion is emotional abuse too.

I bet you could have a lovely and peaceful life without him

Chattycatty · 25/06/2023 23:07

I used to be you. Scared to put a foot wrong. Listening to the rants about what I'd done wrong in his eyes. 9 years ago I suddenly had enough with 4 kids between the age of 21 and 3 I ended it and honestly it has been the best thing I ever did. He won't change you have to change it for yourself. Best of luck OP

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/06/2023 23:13

Men have fragile egos. It's pathetic. But sometimes they get triggered.

Dickhead men do.

Non dickhead men don't.

Let's not lump all men in the first group.

UnRavellingFast · 25/06/2023 23:23

Feelingutterlyfedup · 25/06/2023 21:39

Hi, yes I can see the funny side of that last comment. Probably! I am on the balcony, he's back, can see he's just gone to bed, but it's not just tonight, posted as didn't think I was being unreasonable and trying to seek a view, but all tumbling out now, just feel like I am walking on eggshells and too many times I feel like this, I don't see why I should be humiliated, yes I get that to some may not be a big deal, but just another thing on top of every other thing, it's a constant stand off, I feel so wary, yes maybe this marriage has just run its course as feels like I don't have a voice or am allowed one and what is something that could been seen as trivial, yet to me it's not, yes he's now snoring his head off!! I don't like him when he's like this or when we do argue, as is happening more and more, was googling gas lighting, as when we argue, I am accused of being hysterical, always wrong, told I have anger issues, when I try and talk to him, just sits in silence and blanks me... Yes why on earth I agreed to come on this bl**dy holiday which has only been for 4 days and here we are...... is beyond me, go home tomorrow, just going to stay out of his way, pack and if he is an arse still tomorrow,which unless I apologise, he will be and I am.not doing that. Tempted not to come home on the same flight as him.

Everything you describe is abusive. It’s tough to clear your head when you’ve been under the cudgel for years. But your happiness is of equal importance to his, yet he is using you as his personal doormat for his shitty feelings. I was married to a PoS like this and I finally managed to leave. It’s like choosing life again.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/06/2023 07:06

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/06/2023 21:49

How old are you both? Do you have children together? How long have you been married?

It’s all in the OP’s posts. Just click ‘see all’: 30 years, four children, two grown up, two teens.

unsync · 26/06/2023 08:12

Mine was similar, the walking on eggshells, tantrums, blame, silent treatment for days, sulking etc, etc. The was always something and it was always my fault.

Got out at the end of 2017. The divorce was horrendous as of course he wouldn't engage in the process and thought that I should just do as I was told and let him have everything 🙄

Everyday since the split, I wake up without that feeling of doom. I am happy. I can't stop smiling. Life still has its' challenges, but I know I can deal with them.

My local Women's Aid ran a course about abuse, how to recognise it and deal with the effects. It was very helpful.

Feelingutterlyfedup · 26/06/2023 08:52

Hello by way of update, he has apologised, but I am not excusing his behaviour, told him pretty much all the feedback, needs to sort himself out, I am not happy, not putting up with it, agree he was out of sorts, but not a nice person last night and really upset by it all, thanks for invaluable feedback, feel a lot less, insecure and know it's not me, he can either change for I will follow the advice and leave and decide what's right for me, I am independent and in a position where financially I can forge a life on my own, just woken up to that, thanks again
Xx

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 26/06/2023 09:34

Stay strong, OP!
He is unlikely to change and you don't deserve to put up with his abuse of you.

Onwards and upwards!

TheTellTaleHeart · 26/06/2023 11:47

He won’t change OP, but I know how hard that is to accept. Hes been working on you for 30 years, so getting your head round reality is going to be a process for you. In the meantime, do call rrefuge or Womens Aid for support.

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