Husband’s bad table manners.

[Loulou0108]

DH and myself have a baby on the way, but his bad table manners are driving me absolutely crazy, and I am worried about the impact it will have on our children and their relationship with food and mealtimes.

We both have busy and stressful jobs but he doesn’t seem to appreciate the amount of energy and time I put into buying, cooking meals and cleaning up after. He will snack on junk food coming up to mealtimes but then leave half his food on his plate which he then leaves for me to throw out and scrape his plate. He also picks out most of the vegetables.

He also refuses to sit down at the table until the food has physically been put on the table and then as soon as he finishes will get up and leave the table, and leaves me by myself to eat alone. I’m not a particularly slow eater, and we both do shift work so it’s not that we actually get the opportunity to eat together every evening. I was taught growing up that it was the height of bad manners to leave the table before everyone had finished eating.

When I ask him not to snack before I serve him food, he accuses me of trying to control him, and to be fair, he wouldn’t dream of telling me what to eat.

Don’t know if I am being unreasonable but I feel sometimes that I am married to a 5 year old. I don’t want to treat him like a child, but it’s hard not to when that’s how he acts. I like to think I wouldn’t stand for my children behaving like this.

Why doesn't he scrape his own plate?! He sounds like a teenager, snacking and picking out vegetables. Not healthy.

The biggest problem is him not wanting to sit at a table like an adult and have a proper civilised meal with his wife! It seems he's living life his way like he's single and you're providing meals for him. Does he ever cook?

Sounds like you already have a child. My
condolences. Surely this is not new behaviour? Has he always been like this?

He's a grown man, he can eat what he wants, when he wants so I think you just have the except that.

I get it's annoying if you've cooked and he leaves half of it because he's snacked beforehand, but you can choose not to cook or just sort yourself out if he seems to have a different eating pattern to you.

As for leaving the table early while you are still eating, yes I do think that's rude. I assume you've asked him to stay while you finish?

Also, he should be helping towards clearing up. In our house if one cooks, the other clears up. He's cheeky if he expects you to do both and needs to pull his finger out.

Good god you're not HIS mother. Shove off worrying about this as though it's an issue.

I don’t let my children behave like this. Is he this uncouth in other areas of life?

Threads like this leave me baffled. What can we possibly say? You knew who you married, knew exactly what he was like, yet you made the choice to get married and have a child. You're a day late and a pound short, I'm afraid. You were even taught as a child that your husband's manners and behaviour are unacceptable, yet here you are. You can't possibly expect him to change, (he won't), and of course this piss poor example is going to negatively impact your child. It negatively impacts you and you're an adult.

Why on earth did you marry a neanderthal?

Your post is giving me serious ick vibes.

YANBU, I couldn’t stand that. But why did you marry him and get pregnant; assuming this isn’t a new thing. I’d stop cooking for him firstly

Suggest taking turns cooking and then you act like he does and se did it annoys him. Might help make your point.

though it might not. If I cook DH can dick about as much as he likes, but if he cooks we all have to act with great reverence towards the thing he has prepared. 🤷‍♀️.

My DH can snack before dinner sometimes and then leaves half of the food on his plate which drives me crazy. But at least he washes up.

I personally would stop cooking for him. Theres no need, he's not a child and he can make his own food especially if he's not helping to prepare or doing the washing up.

Mind you, there was that time ds's unconditional offer to study at Oxford was rescinded after they saw him licking his knife.
This stuff is terribly terribly terribly important. You should leave your husband and save your unborn child.

We’ve been married 8 years. It’s hard to remember if he has always been like this or I am just noticing it more now. We did have very opposite shift patterns for a while. I
am also aware that no one is perfect and I’m sure whoever I married would have a habit that annoyed me!
No, he never cooks or cleans up, but he will do other stuff around the house like bins and more maintenance.
I could stop cooking for him but then I know he won’t bother to cook, and will just live off McDonalds, weetabix and chocolate, and I don’t want him to get unhealthy or unwell. I also don’t want that to be the habit that our kids see growing up and would like us to be able to eat together as a family. The leaving the table early I do find extremely irritating and I have said multiple times how rude I find it.

Very hard to find a solution without sounding like a nag.

These are all things you knew before. I'm not sure how much luck you'll have getting him changing now.

Personally I wouldn't care if someone stuffed themselves before dinner. It's their own look out.

Nor would I care if anyone, children included, left the table before everyone had finished. I don't wait around for anyone else. I've got things to do rather than watch someone else eat.

I'd find it very controlling if someone demanded I stay seated unless they wanted a chat.

The not clearing the plate, I would have an issue with this. He needs to pull his weight and do basic tasks.

You should be sharing the work load.

Right. First of all put that "sounding like a nag" bollocks in the bin. It's perfectly reasonable to express a view to your husband.

When you do X it makes me feel Y. That's the way to frame it.

Then if no results, simply stop cooking for him. Just stop. Why do you care if he then chooses to eat cereal? Why is effectively a child in your head whose food intake you need to monitor?

Throw your own sexist assumptions in the bin and define your boundaries.

Itvsounds like he has an unhealthy diet and doesn't respect you cooking fior him, but what are the bad table manners other than him not asking to be excused? I thought you were going to say he eats off his knife, chews with his mouth open or uses spoon for his peas. I once saw an officer in the officers mess use a spoon to eat his pie and chips.

What does he say when you tell him you find leaving the table when you're eating rude?

I had a conversation with my DP because he did this but it made me feel unimportant and like he didn't appreciate the effort I'd made to leave me eating alone - which I hate - and he apologised, said he hadn't even thought about it, and will now stay at the table.

He's really good with the children at mealtimes and having them has improved his manners somewhat

Good lord. If he wants to eat like a teenager let him. I would be more concerned about the fact that u do everything and he cannot be bothered to sit at the table and chat while ur eating. My husband would never do that.

Stop cooking and cleaning up after him. Good grief

All of this. I despair.

Yet another woman bringing a child into a household where mum does everything and dad sorts 'bins and maintenance'.
Want more for your child for gods sake.

pictoosh · Today 19:34
"Mind you, there was that time ds's unconditional offer to study at Oxford was rescinded after they saw him licking his knife.
This stuff is terribly terribly terribly important. You should leave your husband and save your unborn child."

This is a joke, right?

OP I sympathise (and have posted recently about manners). I’d find it frustrating on two fronts - firstly bad manners towards you and like having a teenager/young adult as a partner. And yes it becomes even more important when you have children together and you need to set them a consistently good example day after day.

No, he never cooks or cleans up, but he will do other stuff around the house like bins and more maintenance.
I could stop cooking for him but then I know he won’t bother to cook, and will just live off McDonalds, weetabix and chocolate, and I don’t want him to get unhealthy or unwell. I also don’t want that to be the habit that our kids see growing up and would like us to be able to eat together as a family.

Your kids are learning that mum is nothing but a skivvy, she's not worthy of any attention or support, and men have to do fuck all to support their family and household. He takes out the bins? Wow, what a fucking hero.

Your bar is so low it's actually under the floor.

Stop trying to control him or 'look after' his diet.

Say goodbye to the dreams you had of happy family mealtimes with proper food - that is not going to happen.
Instead you and he will eat mostly separately, and you (if you have an ounce of sense) will having nothing to do with preparing his food or tidying up his mess. The child should be fed by both parents, i.e. half the time it is his job to prepare the child's meal.

Don't let yourself become the 'default' parent. What are your plans for maternity and paternity leave? How will you ensure that he becomes as much responsible for the baby and house as you?

My 5 year old is exactly like this, so annoying.