Husband deleting WhatsApp messages

[Catlover6]

I need your help as to how to react to this. About a week ago DH accidentally sent a WhatsApp message to our DD on the family WhatsApp. He’d meant to send it to a female work colleague. The message agreed that the birthday card he’s got and the present were lovely.
A seemingly innocent exchange, but I thought it was a little strange that his work colleague had been told about the card and gift on a Sunday when he’s obviously not at work. And DH deleted it within a minute; I just happened to be holding my phone when he sent it.
Having thought about it I asked to see his phone messages so I could see the conversation in context. He said he’d deleted the whole conversation.
Now I don’t know what to think. Why would he delete an innocent conversation? How do I proceed if there is no conversation there?
aibu in thinking this is very strange behavior?

Sometimes its about work but often it’s not, we just enjoy each others company and chat about normal things.

It is possible to like the people you work with.
Not one day goes by where one of us doesn’t message in the group as we all like each other a lot.

That makes it worse for me. Quite intimate.

Did you ask him why he deleted the whole conversation?

That’s sad.
I’m sorry you feel bullied.

Ours is a group chat and I work with fantastic people who wouldn’t leave anyone out.
We just like each other and enjoy each others company a lot.

Sometimes it’s about work.
Sometimes it’s about meeting up.
And sometimes it’s just stupid funny videos.

If it was someone’s birthday we would 100% all text each other either on the group chat or individually, even if it was on the weekend.

I don’t understand the issue of messaging colleagues on the weekend if you like them.

It wasn’t just one message that’s been deleted; it’s the whole conversation. I only saw one bit of it, from him, agreeing the present and card were lovely. He’s deleted the surrounding messages so I can’t see any of the conversation.
All I can see now is a whole load of work messages between DH and the work colleague.
If it was just one message deleted; ie the one on the family app that would be ok. What’s disturbed me is the whole conversation being deleted.

I think OP means the first incorrectly posted message that went to the family chat was deleted and THEN because she had seen the message she asked DH about it and about the conversation he was clearly having with the female colleague (intended recipient) and when she looked at his phone he had also deleted the whole conversation he was having with the formal colleague including the birthday present message.

Yes I did. He said he felt embarrassed by it and my reaction to it; I was pretty surprised when I saw it and started asking why he was chatting about his present and card on a Sunday.
I was hoping see a very ordinary conversation when I asked to see the context a few days later.

So he's deleted several back and forth messages from today with the coworker but left older, work-related messages on his chat with her. OP, if he was having a thing with this co-worker, wouldn't there be lots of other non-work-related messages on others days too? How far up did you scroll?

No; I’ve never met her. He joined a new company a year ago and she works with him on a daily basis so I have heard him mention her. She’s married.

Either you trust him, or you don’t

Messaging work colleagues at weekend isn’t that unusual. I message one of my married, male work colleagues last weekend, as he was running a marathon & I was wishing him luck. I have no intention of sleeping with him.

Oh sorry, not from today but from a week ago, got my timings wrong there. But the question remains the same ... did you scroll up a few weeks and see if various other messages have been deleted?

Nope. The deleting is not okay. Why specifically go and delete the conversation after one message was found on the family chat, especially whilst whole conversations with others are kept??

Why don't you tell him you want the WhatsApp messages retrieved, or he is to leave?? Afaik this can be done, someone more techy than me could tell you how to do it.

I'd go in strong and unflappable on this one, it's the only way you are going to get to the truth I think. He may well admit something even if it isn't the full story at least you'll have something to go on, if you call his bluff.

That was the other point that I didn’t understand. I scrolled up a good few weeks and there was not a single personal conversation there; only business matters.
So I suggested to him that he has another means of communicating with her; another thread. It seemed strange to have only one personal conversation in the midst of all the business, and that conversation has been deleted.
He said he only has one thread with her.

But you didn’t delete the message; why would you?

He felt 'embarrassed' by it, that was his explanation?! Come on..

I agree with this. I’ve done and received similar myself to males (I’m female) either 1:1 or 1:many.

1 male was a good work mate, we both had a shit time due to changes and knew each other for years. We’d have a little bitch on WhatsApp sometimes (I know not professional). It was an outlet when you don’t want to moan to your DP all the time or they don’t get the context. There was absolutely ZERO attraction there, we were just good colleagues. I wouldn’t have liked my DP to read my bitching about work messages, just because.

Maybe this is why he deleted it?

Have you checked his archive folder in WhatsApp?

Trust your instincts, I would say.

That would have been a good idea but no I didn’t and I wouldn’t ask to see his phone again.
I suspect that I wasn’t looking at the right whatsapp thread because there was nothing personal there. It doesn’t make sense to only have one personal conversation.

Why wouldn't you ask to see his phone again?

I'd be telling him if he didn't retrieve the messages in front of you, he'd be leaving.

Stand up for yourself and value yourself.

Out of interest what do you think is going on OP - a full on affair, an emotional affair? Apart from this 1 message is there something else bothering you/suspicious?

Or is it just this one message?

You can retrieve previous messages by checking when his Chat Backup is set.

Verify that an iCloud backup exists in WhatsApp > Settings > Chats > Chat Backup. If you can see when the last backup was performed, delete and reinstall WhatsApp. After verifying your phone number, follow the prompts to restore your chat history.

I’m messaging a work colleague now because we’re friends! Some work colleagues I only message about work, some I message about non work stuff as well because we’re friends. I don’t delete conversations though.

Thank you for these instructions. He’s just told me that there were loads of personal conversations that he’s deleted. I think my marriage is over, I won’t post again.
Thank you everyone.

I'm sorry, op.