To be upset about this?

[EW2394]

I have a partner but we don’t live together yet due to their work being far away, I have children from a previous relationship but they have no contact with their father due to DV.

We didn’t see each other this weekend due to work commitments and we both had dilemmas going on - they had a scary situation happen at work and I’ve had a poorly child which has been quite a stressful situation to handle by myself and has really taken it’s toll on me today.

I personally will juggle situations - so even though I was caring for and sorting out my child today, I knew they had their situation happen too and I was checking in and making sure they was okay and everything else too. My partner on the other hand just chose to disappear and not answer texts or calls and just to ignore me for hours, not checking in on how things were at home or anything.

Normally I would just let these things slide and get on with it - I was a single parent for years before I met him so I’m used to it - but tonight it’s really upset me because I genuinely just felt so alone, when all I wanted was some comfort and a chat with my partner after 2-3 days of dealing with this constant illness, but they actively chose to ignore me, knowing what was going on but still going on social media etc and their excuse was just ‘oh I needed to process it’.

They don’t understand why I’m so upset, and I’m prepared to be told that I’m wrong if I am, AIBU?

I'm sorry to hear your child is unwell. I hope they are feeling better soon.

What scary situation was it that happened? When did it happen and was your partner there at the time? You sat he works far away - does he live or stay by work or does he commute back to near you?

They’re not his kids though and he will never love them like you do. That’s ok.

People deal with stress in different ways - you'd have preferred a chat and sympathy, your partner apparently prefers some time to themselves.
Unfortunate that you both had difficult weekends - maybe when you know each other better you'll understand/appreciate each others styles better.

He's not your partner. He's your boyfriend.

I don’t expect him to love my kids like his own - I would have liked the support for myself! And I don’t mind him dealing with it like that, but a message to let me know he needed some time alone rather than ignoring me for hours would have been much better IMO? And @JudgeRudy, your point is??

If he'd had such a scary situation and needed some space he might well have turned the phone off. Or just not feel up to replying.

I know if I'm stressed and feeling rough I'll ignore messages, even if they are asking if I'm OK. I just don't have the mental capacity to be sociable.

@JudgeRudy what is the difference between a partner and a boyfriend in your mind?

For me, a boyfriend is something you have in your teens and a partner is something you have as a adult. How are you measuring it?!

On the whole, I dont think it is OK to go AWOL for days at a time when a partner knows you are in distress. Of course this will depend on how long the relationship has been. But he is showing you his communication style... its up to you whether that is what you are looking for in a partner. Would be a no from me... support and care are one of the best things I like about a relationship, the fact it is missing so early on would be a warning sign..... however this is also dependent on his own emergency and how much grace I feel would be appropriate to give

A) that's not necessarily true.
b) even if that's true in this situation, he should care how the OO is coping.

@EW2394 well, he's not very caring/loving is he? It wouldn't work for me.

A boyfriend has the luxury/freedom to 'opt out' now and then. In my opinion I'd expect a partner to be, well a partner. In it together. They'd generally live together (tho not necessarily) so there's no opting out. l'd expect a 'soon to be' partner to have already been stepping up and showing a commitment to the role. Think carefully before you move in together. Unless you're incredibly lucky you will both have further challenges to deal with in the future. This is an indication of how he handles stress.

How long was he AWOL? Was it 3 or 4 hours or was it more than a day? If it was just a few hours maybe he was dealing with his own thing. Also what's with the mixed pronouns?

Me too.

You both deal with stressful situations differently, and that's okay.

I don't think he's done anything wrong unless he went MIA for days. If it was 1 day or less, leave him to it. He's already told you he needs to process what's happened at work.

I think it’s relevant how long it was before he replied (hours or days?) and the nature of the scary incident he had to deal with.

The they/them bollocks pissed me off.
He's a him? Just say he!
How long did he ignore you for? A few hours? A few days?

It’s a him, and he did exactly the same thing again all weekend - purposely ignoring messages and just disappearing - so I’ve just left him to crack on and I’ve decided that the way he deals with things, it’s just not for me!

Good plan!