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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So how do you learn to hate someone?

24 replies

weirdthrowaway · 24/06/2023 23:51

Been with my DH for 25 yrs. We didn't have kids thank god, but over time there has been so much low level abuse, from abandoning me at 21 when I had a miscarriage, to holding an early fling against me (as a single woman), which he insisted resulted in his impotence.

We had good times, we did love each other, but i know i stuck around far too long. I don't need a lecture about that, I accept that I am an idiot. But now, all these yrs later, after 10 yrs of no sex or real bonding, I need to leave.

But, he wanted me to leave years ago. There is so much contempt on his side, when i often only want to get along and have a laugh. I cant imagine having fun with someone now. I am one of tose tragedies that didn't move on when she should, but have been craving freedom for the past few years.
Since we have no kids or any financial connection, I am ashamed to admit this.

I need to learn to let my feelings run. I don't want to hate him in the general sense of the term, more so to galvanise me to move on. I want to love, live and travel, to form new friendships, which he has always negatively impacted. I would love to just throw him off completely, to stop giving a sit about being a nice person.

Please could anyone advise or give me some confidence?
I long to break free and move on onto new pastures. I would be doing it alone but am secretly ok with that. Any tips and comments would help, as i have givwn too much of my 50 yrs away already.

OP posts:

FatGirlSwim · 24/06/2023 23:53

You don’t need to hate him. You need to love you. Corny as it sounds, you need to shift the focus from him to you, and do the things that are best for you… he will become insignificant.

SparklyShoesandTutus · 24/06/2023 23:56

Book a plane ticket to somewhere you have always wanted to go
, pack a bag and leave
If you work when you get back find somewhere new to stay and find what you really want from life

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:04

I gte this. And the first poster is right, i need to put myself first, This is the tricky bit, because although i intellectually know this, I am evidently a soft touch. I am a pretty bolshy, strong person so can't understand this weakness. i do not love or want him but it is familiarity.
I so long to go.

He does not want me, or show interest now that I am more confident and less pliant to his needs. He often regards me with contempt, even when i am playful and loving. We officially split last year but i dont move out. I am set to do this, but slow to.

OP posts:

Spottedsox · 25/06/2023 00:06

I agree on focusing on you.
You may gravitate to those you are more like once you leave and find your feet.
Sort out what you want and need then take the steps to move out.
I would book a flight and go relax & unwind and work from that.
Go be happy and find your happiness.

SauceForTheGoose · 25/06/2023 00:07

Baby steps. A day at a time.

What can you do tomorrow to make your first step out the door?

If you think about the entirety you'll be overwhelmed and scared. Just think about what you need to do today.

Fireyflies · 25/06/2023 00:10

Write down all the reasons you don't want to be with him and read it back to yourself whenever you're having a wobble.

And make yourself a to do list for all the practical steps you need to take to be free of him, then start working though it.

That's how I managed to finish things with my ex. Absolutely never looked back and now have lovely DH (snoring loudly right now beside me!)

Hankunamatata · 25/06/2023 00:12

Take one step. Go see a solicitor.

ClaraBourne · 25/06/2023 00:13

FatGirlSwim · 24/06/2023 23:53

You don’t need to hate him. You need to love you. Corny as it sounds, you need to shift the focus from him to you, and do the things that are best for you… he will become insignificant.

This is one of the best pieces of advice I've read in a long time.

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:15

These are wonderful replies thank you.
what i need to do is stop talking to him, as nothing i say interests him, but i am very communicatvie and love chatting. Doing this makes me feel worse :(

I will definitely write it down, but at this point i dont need to, it has been in my head for years.

I need, at this point, to learn to disregard him. I am too easy won and kind. It is unfamiliar to me to hate someone, but i need that push. It is awful.

OP posts:

GilChesterton · 25/06/2023 00:20

Not sure learning to hate him is the right choice. The best for you would be to just regard him as you would a piece of furniture you don't need any more.

Dogsitterwoes · 25/06/2023 00:24

You are allowed to leave someone without hating them. Life isn't always extremes of love or hate.

You don't like each other any more. That's enough of a reason.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/06/2023 00:24

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:15

These are wonderful replies thank you.
what i need to do is stop talking to him, as nothing i say interests him, but i am very communicatvie and love chatting. Doing this makes me feel worse :(

I will definitely write it down, but at this point i dont need to, it has been in my head for years.

I need, at this point, to learn to disregard him. I am too easy won and kind. It is unfamiliar to me to hate someone, but i need that push. It is awful.

There are so many people in the world that there will be some that love chatting back with you whether that's new friends or even a new partner.
You need to build up confidence. Can you book yourself on a group trip somewhere you've always wanted to go without him? Or even smaller scale, join a local group or class? This will help you realise you can do things alone, you can chat to new people and there is a world outside him.

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:34

This is the sad bit - over the past few years, especially before covid, i would take myself off around the country to get space. It cost me a lot of money and i am loathe to keep doing it.
I am ashamed to say that i have just hung around for too long, not because of love or wanting him (i dont!) but because i cant seem to break the pattern.

I only have so much savings and can't excuse another holiday.

I can deal with the practical/financial side of things, but this soft, stupid idiot part of me that just stays lazy bothers me. It is not who i am inside!

OP posts:

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:36

The thing is, I need to learn to hate him because my softness makes me forgive, and in reality he is dreadful, very bad for me in all ways. I have no idea how i came to be like this, as my early life was very confident and happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:39

I am so full of love and communication, but he isnt interested.
He withheld sex for a decade because i couldnt go on the pill, and i shouldered the blame for that.
I long to be free of it but feel like my kegs are filled with concrete.
I do not want this but cant find a way to just put myself first and say fuck the hell off.

OP posts:

continentallentil · 25/06/2023 00:43

I think there’s quite a lot of overthinking OP.

Just pull all the financial info, go see a solicitor, hatch a practical plan. Start the process of divorce and separation.

See a therapist to talk whatever out, but that will be a longer process. Getting it moving is just practical action.

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 00:50

I agree, it is over thinking. There is no fucking excuse.
A friend once told me when she felt like this she 'brought down the machete' and cut it right off. I have no idea why i havent. I long to.

OP posts:

Thehippowife · 25/06/2023 00:55

Draw the line set a date and move on. Don’t keep the drift. Sets dates in the calendar for things you will achieve - such as rent new home - then do it. Life passes by too quick to waste it.

redastherose · 25/06/2023 00:55

You are possibly trauma bonded to him, you could probably do with some counselling to break that association. You say you can't afford to keep going away, what are your joint assets? You need to add up the value of the equity in your property (if you have one) both pensions and any other assets such as savings and investments. Work out what the total is and you will then have a fair idea what assets you will have to start again. You can then start making a plan for how to move on with your life.

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 01:02

Thank you.
I know where i am financially all of that is ok.

I would love to know more about trauma bonding though, this shakes the cage.

OP posts:

LittleEsme · 25/06/2023 09:03

FatGirlSwim · 24/06/2023 23:53

You don’t need to hate him. You need to love you. Corny as it sounds, you need to shift the focus from him to you, and do the things that are best for you… he will become insignificant.

Can't say it better than this.

Save your energy for focusing on your own goals. Your relationship is dead in the water.

How are your finances? What about family? Let us help you get plan in place.

Original poster

weirdthrowaway · 25/06/2023 15:42

I am ashamed to write this but i have allowed it to go on for too long. He seems apathetic nowadays, disregards me mostly. If I ever attempted to talk he would turn it onto his own pain by bringing things up that I did 'wrong' over the years. It is like a shield he uses so never has to accept responsibility.

Trouble is i. need to figure out why I am still here. It is pathetic at this point.
I lived his lifestyle, fit everything around him for so long that I only recently realised that it was always one sided. Any time I wanted anything for me, He would look at me with disapproval, as if i wasnt satisfied enough.

Unfortunately his lifestyle is a bit odd, in that he never wanted us to buy a house, spent most of his life on benefits due to a heart tissue that i only later found out wasn't harming him. I never supported him but my family were very generous to him - they were financially well off and prior to meeting him i had experienced a very different lifestyle. I see that I was living 'his' way all along, accommodating his main hobbies and and some depressing friends.
Of course MY friends were bad for me from the outset, how embarrassing this feels now..

God, any words of advice to get me a bloody spine will help so much! I do not love or find him attractive, I get nothing out of this, and long to move on.
Read up on trauma bonding last night and there are some similarities; i felt for many years that he was the only person who could comfort or understand me, and this was of course a fucking mirage.

It is like a bad habit, now my parents are passed away and i am quite alone with this. We didnt have children after I suffered a traumatic miscarriage, didn't want to try again. My few friends are now far away and i only have my sister who lives fairly nearby. I need to move, and wish i could over ride my stupid fears as my heart is so full of excitement for the world!

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 25/06/2023 15:53

OP see a solicitor, get yourself some counselling/therapy, start doing a hobby you like ...or try something new, yoga? You need to do things that are about you.

Get the divorce started.

Marriage is not an alter on which you sacrifice your life.

InSpainTheRain · 25/06/2023 16:23

You don't need to hate him. You need a plan to get yourself out of the situation. Get a pen, paper and write down what you need to do. Give yourself dates to complete your research by (which solicitor, paperwork you need). Then do it. Book a holiday, see how good things can be without him.

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